Monday, December 31, 2012

About 2012.....

This year, 2012, saw several memorable moments but for ME the one memorable moment was not a personal one. It was instead that moment when the silent majority stood up with their votes and rejected the Religious Right and Tea Party Ayn Randists about bashing the poor and the vets and the seniors and the students and the working families and single mothers and racism and sexism and the misogynists with their intense focus on women's reproductive rights and the homophobes and voted Obama BACK into office. They voted in a mixed race president who is Gen Jones, lived abroad during his formative years (meaning he is a TCK) who is pro-gay rights, pro women's reproductive and pay rights, pro green energy, for the poor and vets and seniors and students and working families and single mothers and fathers and pro CHILDREN.  This year is when the dominant, dominionistic, white male hegemony found that they are NOT the majority any more. 

That one moment when the usually quiet and slumbering giant awakened and said a resounding ENOUGH was worth all the rest of the misery, less-money-having, higher-price-paying, family-belt-tightening we had to endure this year. It was surely worth every bit of it.

THE SLEEPING MAJORITY HAS AWAKENED! Know that we will NOT continue to allow the poorest and least and oldest and sickest and veterans and gays and brown skinned and women and families among us to be persecuted, marginalized or taxed to death. We will NOT allow the folks who pretend to be on God's side (but who are actually on the side of the greedy rich or themselves) to run this country. PERIOD.

We have spoken and we will not be denied.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

9-11 thoughts.....

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It is 9-11. While most of the time I abhor the constant rhetoric about this day and the barrage of news reports that whip us into that fearful place; I also remember.

I remember being pregnant with my only son and being awakened by my husband only to see the awful pictures. I remember a feeling of stunned horror stealing over me. I remember sending the kids to school (we lived across from their school back then) in a kind of daze. I remember the clips shown over and over again.


I sat there in shock, feeling a horrible numbness and a feeling that everything I ever knew had changed but I couldn't imagine how it had changed. I wondered why I felt that stunned numbness.

Then the guy from Cantor Fitzgerald came on. He was the face of grief for me. His was the voice of all the anguish and fear and horror and deep grief I could not feel because of the shock. It was when he shakenly talked about the 700 families of the people who were in that building; the  wives, husbands, children, siblings, parents, grandparents who would be affected by the loss...that's when the grief slammed into me and I began to cry in huge, gasping, wrenching sobs. This man could see beyond just the victims (and I don't say "just" to belittle them) to the hundreds of families and friends who would suffer as a result of the horrific death of all those people. The motherless and fatherless children; the spouses missing their mates, the parents missing their grown children; he could see all of them and their collective grief and I FELT that deep within me. It was so horrible, the magnitude of the losses.


Months later I had my son and when he was around 3 or 4 years old, I read an obscure article about the babies born to mothers who were pregnant on 9-11. Physicians and preschool teachers and parents noticed that these children have  unnatural and often times irrational  fears that they have no explanation for. My son fears everything far more than his sisters ever did. Physicians attributed this hyper-fearfulness to the wash of hormones from the constant fear and grief that the then-pregnant mothers experienced; these hormones actually altered the brain chemistry of these babies.


My son is 10 years old now and he still fears things that other kids not born after 9-11 seem to take in stride.


That day changed so much and not for the better. The freedoms we have given up out of the fear of that day have enormous repercussions. We have allowed surveillance into our personal lives like never before.  We have spent billions on unnecessary wars that could have instead gone to build infrastructure and educate and help our population's children and the less fortunate among us.  We have tortured and murdered hundreds of thousands of innocent people for greed because of the 9-11 excuse. All for an attack we are not even certain was actually from an outside terrorist force.  It might have been done by our own government leaders to whip us up into a fearful frenzy; ready to accept any manner of loss of freedom and murderous intent.  We really don't know and it is this deep  uncertainty that  is making it very difficult to heal and move on.  There's been no real justice. 
 
The karmic reparation for all the innocent lives lost here and abroad will come.

We must honor the losses of that day and remind ourselves that for those people who died that day  and afterward  to have a purpose, to have honor, we must fight for the freedoms we have lost and work to bring back the country they once knew.  We must work to prevent the killing and wars.  We must rise up in peace and love  and change our world.

In rememberance and hope....

For today, the anniversary of 9-11, I have this to share from my youngest daughter, KiaraShe posted this to my Facebook wall and I have to share it because it is stunningly beautiful:

"Go to this link: http://www.rainymood.com/
 


Then in another tab (while the first one is still playing) listen to this on youtube. It is absolutely beautiful.

 
It is hearing them play together that is so awesome! 
Kiara is 17 years old.  


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Therapy, astrology and the helper professions

I have had lots of therapy.  In those sessions and in my later studies on psychology I learned that the psychologist usually keeps a professional-to-patient boundary.  This means that a typical therapist or psychologist wouldn't tell me about themselves; I did the talking for the most part and they would just periodically validate what I said and ask me questions which would help me find the answers or direction I needed to go. I later learned that this is a common practice taught to most (if not all) therapists and psychologists in order to offset the patient's already natural tendency to project relationship onto the therapist/psychologist.  Most people have heard or read about the patient who thinks they are in love with their therapist; this professional distance is there to keep the patient in a healthy form of relationship with the therapist because it is abusive for a therapist to get too close or fall in love with a patient.  Doing so is a breach of trust and taking advantage of a person during a very vulnerable time.

There was one exception to that rule; transpersonal psychologists. These professionals often do share their personal experiences in the treatment in  order to establish to the patient that all people go through similar things and to help the patient see the therapist as a person who can be trusted because they have  experienced similar issues.  These transpersonal psychologists told me they have to be especially careful to always remind the patient that they are in a professional-patient setting despite the sharing of relevant personal experiences.  

This brings me to another helping professional.  Astrologers often act as therapists or counselors to the people who come to them.  While astrology does lend itself to this particular line of work, too often the astrologer has done little or no real study or field work in psychology or therapy and as such are unaware of the professional boundary  that should be maintained between the client and the astrologer.  I have seen astrologers practicing therapy to the extent that their clients begin to rely on them just like they would a real therapist.  Yet I have also seen astrologers who get a little too personal with clients to the point that the client sees the astrologer as a friend or other intimate relationship person in their lives.  When the astrologer pulls away (as they inevitably must do) the client's trust is broken and they are emotionally damaged and in pain. This is not helpful to the client at all and can in fact be devastating to their progress as healthy individuals.  

My point here is that if you are thinking of doing astrology, please know your limits and limit your astrological work to just reading the charts.  Don't try to be a therapist to the clients; leave that (and refer them) to the real therapists; the ones who are educated and trained to practice therapy.  Keep the professional distance required between yourself and your client and know the signs if your client is becoming attached and then refer them to a therapist if they are.  Practicing therapy without the education or training will not be the helping hand you think you are extending to your astrology clients;  instead you will cause unnecessary grief and pain and damage the tennuous trust the client has.  That is unethical in the extreme.  Compassion for others includes knowing your own limitations and keeping within them. Please have the integrity to do what is best for the client; leave the therapy to the therapists.


 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

What is a need and what is a want?

There's so much talk about  needs and wants.  Yet when people try to define the difference, it seems difficult to do like trying to catch the smoke off a campfire.  


I cannot define it for anyone else.  I do know that time, astrological events, age, and hormones can change needs and wants.  


The Uranus opposition seems to be a time when people feel insecure and need extra reassurance that they are not old, that they are still desirable, that they are still amazing (like they felt when they were younger).  Yet that need dissipates as the opposition ends.  So is it really a need or a temporary want? 


Very hard to say for sure.


The Chiron return (often coupled with the hormonal surges of menopause for women) is also a time of deep insecurity.  The women I have spoken to who (like myself ) are past that,   all say they went through a lot of insecurity then.  Just when their hormones are really high (and their libido is high to match) they are looking older and no longer able to get the male attention they so want.  Chiron also digs up lots of issues which can cause added insecurity until these issues are dealt with.  A lot of women who relied on their physical looks suddenly feel the loss as age creeps up on them and unless they developed their inner selves somewhere along the way, they feel a crisis of confidence and think they need someone (or several  someones) to pay more attention to them.  Many of these women had affairs with younger men or added men to their lives even though their partners were not happy about it.  Several of them, as the hormones died down and the Chiron return ended, wondered why they had done these actions and felt like they messed up the good thing they had.  Was theirs a need or a want if it was temporary and based on hormones and Chiron returning? 


Isn't it hard to know the answer to that?  It IS  hard and no one  can define it but the people going through it. Yet it is as they are going through it that they are least able to be objective about it.


All I know is, sometimes we confuse needs and wants to the point that we hurt ourselves and others.  That is when knowing the difference between these and the astrological (and hormonal) events can help.  Having someone past that time also helps; they can help us see that there is a time limit to the feelings ans that the feelings will be a lot less intense as time goes on.


If you know that feeling of insecurity is temporary (as it often is during the Uranus opposition and the Chiron return and menopause) then it would make sense to be cautious and not do drastic things which could harm yourself or another.  


A woman I knew turned 40 and left her family, took her young child with her, and went out of the country to a foreign one to have a mad affair with a married man.  It destroyed the whole family and burning her bridges like that made coming back home (when the boyfriend sent her away) so much harder.  What she felt was a need was fleeting;  after the Uranus opposition settled down, the intense desire (what she thought was a need) left her;  she realized the fall-out and has lived with deep regrets and the loss of relationships with two of her adult children.  

So it pays to think really hard about needs and wants during certain times of our lives.  The Saturn return (around ages 27-30), the Uranus opposition (around ages 38-42) and the Chiron return (around ages 50-51) all cause some feelings of change and insecurity (the latter two especially).  Menopause does as well for women.  It is wise to be very careful at those times and ask ourselves, "If this feeling passes, will I still want what I think I need?  Why do I think I need this at this time?"  If it is at any of those pivotal times, it would be best to proceed with caution.  Get opinions from people who are a few years older; they are not in the middle of the feelings and as such are a lot more objective.  














Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The attack on responsibility.

In some circles, there seems to be an attack on responsibility and accountability and commitment.  Why do I say that?  I say that because there are some places where people who are in committed relationships but who have desires outside those, are being encouraged to go-for-it and in essence, walk away from their vows, commitments and responsibilities. 

One paradigm that really needs to change is the one in which adult people think that they should be able to have everything they want or fulfill every desire that they have and justify it under the banner  "self-growth" or "self-work."   That's the mentality of a toddler.  Plain and simple.  

I am a married woman; my vows were freely made .  If later on I have a desire for another person, it is NOT ok to justify that and act on them just because doing so came from the fact that I changed over time.  People get hurt if partners do that.  Kids get hurt and they are innocents;  it is not "growing as an individual" if we act on desires we KNOW will harm and hurt our partners and kids.  It is irresponsible and downright selfish.  It is not ok to say "but he loves me so he should  let me do it to keep from hurting me."  That statement applies the other way as well; "I love him so I won't act on these feelings because I don't want to hurt him." 

Justifying indulging when you have  a prior commitment; let's call it what it is:  bullshitting yourself.  

People in committed relationships have a responsibility to one another.  They definitely have a responsibility to their children and they have a responsibility to themselves to live in integrity.  If I make a vow and later want to renege on that then my word is worth  nothing. 

I am not saying the feelings are bad;  they aren't.  Feelings are just that; feelings.  It is what we DO with them and about them that can be harmful or not.  Expressing those feelings and being honest with your partner is a good thing.  However, if your partner feels unhappy or would be deeply hurt if you acted on them, then don't act on them.  Same goes for your kids but even more so.  If you know your kids would be devastated if you stepped outside your commitments then why do that to them?  The old argument that if Mom's happy everyone is doesn't apply here; psychologists have asked kids in different age ranges and they are not thinking about what their parents want but what they NEED.  Kids NEED stability; changing things, especially when the partner doesn't want that change and would be hurt,  is not good for kids (see Judith Wallerstein's studies).  

In "Divorce Myths Uncovered"  it says:

     Cathy Meyer, who writes about marriage and family issues,   suggests that the happy parent-happy children idea  objectifies  children. "Unhappy parents fail to understand that, though they may be unhappy, their children are probably quite content and don't care if their parents don't get along as long as their family is together.   A child's happiness is not dependent on their parent's  happiness. A child's happiness stems from routine, having a home, two parents, friends to play with, school  activities to be involved in and being able to count on these things being constant day in and day out,"   Meyer writes.   (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/divorce-myths-uncovered-1045.shtml).

Time to grow up, people.  If someone in a committed relationship chooses not to go outside their commitment, despite their desire to do so, their choice  should be valued and praised, not discouraged. 






Paradigm shift...but which one?

So many of us in the awareness of a change have known a change is needed but the question is; which paradigm WILL change?  There are several that need to change; that much is clear.


For example, a shift from an instant-gratification society to a long-term vision one would make a huge difference in how humans treat the earth, our children and one another.  Some Native cultures had that long-range vision and they did well until European conquerors came and converted them to a religion which places humans in dominion over everything else on the planet. 


Another paradigm shift would be from a capitalistic model of economic functioning which harkens back to the first paradigm listed above because of the desire for short-term gains at the expense of long-term resources.  The trouble is, we haven't come up with a model that works better than the Big Three;  Capitalism, Socialism and Communism (though the last one is a form of government like democracy is).  Some have taken socialism and mixed it with the democratic government and it works well for them  but there are still issues.  Maybe the new economic paradigm is something as yet undiscovered.


A third paradigm shift would be the one wherein humans shift their focus away from materialism and back to spiritualism.  Living with a smaller footprint to save the earth and feel connected to the earth and all the living things on it; including one another.  That would help us solve the climate change crisis.  If we value living things, we will not value showing off our "stuff" but rather helping one another. 


A fourth paradigm shift would be away from the controlled-female-fertility model to one in which sexuality of both genders is sacred, not controlled,  and accepted in all the forms it takes.  That would include heterosexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, bisexuality, monogamy, transgendered sexuality, queer sexuality and all of the variants in-between as long as  the participants are not harmed and children are protected.  It would also include women being openly sexual and not shamed for that.  Males would have to negotiate child-bearing with women instead of trying to control their fertility  and then being angry that women won't "put out."  If you control something then you cannot fault the thing for remaining in that control.


A fifth paradigm shift may be one in which human beings stop dividing ourselves along racial, gender, sexuality, nationality, culture lines and instead, gather into groups for a more communal way of living.  That might affect how we govern ourselves as well;  instead of nation states we may form tribal or connected groups which in turn connect with other groups forming large webs.




Which paradigm will change?  That's a hard call and it could be one or more that changes.  What is inportant is that we help birth it in compassion. 







Monday, July 2, 2012

Mesh connectivity; no more ISP's needed and no way to stop us now!

I just finished reading a fantastic article in Scientific American about mesh connectivity.  It was in the March 2012 edition.

This is about having an internet web that cannot be shut down like Mubarak's Egyptian government  shut down of ISPs last year.  It is called "Freedom Box" and it is being developed right now.  The website is here:



http://freedomboxfoundation.org/faq/index.en.html


People can donate to them on Kickstarter.  


Eventually, you can have a Freedom Box and they are working to make it part of your phone or other device.  It is based on free software and free connectivity between other people's boxes.  If the government wants to shut down the internet, people would still be able to connect via these Freedom Boxes and still organize.  In other words, free speech would be maintained!  


This is the future of freedom for The People.  I will support them on Kickstarter.  







Sunday, July 1, 2012

In Praise of Len Wallick's astrology

Recently, I ordered an astrology reading  from Len Wallick, an astrologer who regularly posts on  an astrology blog.   I wanted to share with you the things I found most amazing about Len and his reading.


First, Len uses his own interpretations for several areas of the chart.  These are interpretations based on his own, careful study of astrology and his finely tuned intuition.  They are new, different,  and cutting edge.  I was amazed at how well his own interpretations could ferret out nuances of my chart that were typically not visible using traditional astrological interpretations.  


Second, Len's work was extraordinary; I could see the time and thought and scrutiny he took in doing my chart/s.  He doesn't gloss over things but brings out depth and hidden issues and healing things I have never seen before.  His attention to detail and intuition are not like any other reading I have ever had.


Third, Len knows his boundaries and sticks to them.  These days, a lot of astrologers don't just read the charts, they act as counselors, therapists, or even psychologists for their clients.  That would be great  if they had the formal training for that but many do not. Len made it a point to do just the astrology and not any therapy or psychology.  As he said, he isn't a therapist or psychologist so he was not going to cross that boundary.  I admire him for that because it is so easy for astrologers to mix those things up.  Doing so without the requisite training can be damaging to clients. Len is very careful to do no harm.  

Fourth, Len is very up to date on all the centaur planets and asteroids and space points.  He often uses his own interpretations for the later-discovered heavenly bodies and these interpretations are atypical but perfect for understanding a person's chart.  


Fifth, Len was equally at home doing the natal chart, transits, and the progressed chart.  He is knowledgeable about all things astrological.   He flows when he talks and he explained the technical or interpretive parts so well that my reading was also a lesson in astrology.  That was an added bonus the other astrologers I have had didn't include.



Last, I could see that Len didn't have a slant or agenda while reading my chart.  I have had other astrologers put their own slant on things to the point that some of the readings didn't fit my life at all.  Len didn't do that;  instead he remained very objective in his reading. He didn't hide difficult things nor did he use fear or negativity to interpret things.  Instead he used his own gentle hand and compassion as well as his keen mind and intuition.  My reading felt like it fit ME, not Len or anyone else. 


If you want an astrological reading unlike any other that includes excellence, integrity,  value, and fantastic service, contact Len Wallick at   lenwallick (at) gmail (dot) com.  

You will be glad you did.  


What I believe.....

I am happily married and pro-monogamy and pro-poly and whatever other kind of relating people want to do (gay marriage, bi, trans gender, queer,  whatever).  I wish  all were done responsibly.  

I am also someone who thinks that people don't have to cheat or fulfill every desire because indulging ourselves is a sign of immaturity;  maturity comes with the realization that we cannot always have everything we want and sometimes it is better for us if we don't.  

I think that "responsibility" and "accountability" and "commitment" are NOT bad words. 

I  think we have to take other people's feelings  and needs into consideration when making relationship decisions.

I believe that we have to "work on ourselves" but that we should do it while helping others. 

I believe that integrity means trying to answer people in a timely manner when they ask questions; not leave them hanging.  

I believe that integrity also includes being honest as much as possible unless doing so is hurtful and destructive.

I believe that playing games with people is wrong.  There's no decent justification for doing it.  


I believe that what is good for me  can be bad for another and my wants do not supersede another's needs.

I believe that if you make a vow, you should stick to it.  If you feel you cannot, you should be honest about that BUT you should take into account how your not sticking to it affects those who have little or no agency (children for example) and really think of your responsibilities before just doing what you want.  

If you make children...raise them.  Don't expect teachers, clergy, counselors, or extended family to do it for you.

I believe feelings are not bad...what we do about them can be either good or bad.  

I believe that  actions should match words as much as possible and that this is also part of being in integrity.

I believe that compassion  is a better thing to spread around than anger.

I believe that what we do comes back to us.

I believe  we should be the change we want to see and spread kindness whenever possible.

I believe that shame is both good and bad. It is bad when it is put on you to limit you from being the best you can be but it is good when it limits you from doing something which may harm you or another. 

I believe guilt is both good and bad as well.  Good when it makes you think about what you may have done to harm yourself, the planet, or  another.  It is good if it  teaches you to right the wrongs you have done.  It is bad when it stifles your ability to move forward in doing the good you can do for yourself and others. 

I do not believe "anything goes."  That's an immature way of thinking; children think like that and it is irresponsible too.    There have to be some limits (Saturn) or we become the weeds which choke the garden.

The Hopi talk about balance in all things...I believe that and hope others will as well. 

I believe the old paradigm which glorifies competition over cooperation and superiority over equality needs to change.  

I believe the Women's Movement has brought some good to women but a lot of bad as well.  While it allowed women to be what men are, it devalued the traditional feminine roles of house wife and mother.  It also helped foster the narcissism many women seem to have  today.

I believe men should be allowed to BE men (and they get to define that, not women) and they should have all-male enclaves they can go to at times.  Women need to stop intruding on everything men do.

I  believe women should be allowed to have the sex they want, when they want without being labelled "slut" or "whore."  I believe that controlling women's sexuality should stop.  NOW.   If men want to know they are supporting their own genetic offspring, they need to negotiate that with the women they are with.  

I believe the U.S. is on the downward slide like all other civilizations were at one time and it is a result of not learning the lessons about greed and power and control.

That's enough for the day. 

Any questions?  Feel free to comment below. 















Change is good...within a foundation of right behavior.

I have been reading about narcissism in this society.  I have also been listening to and reading various people who are working to help all of us grow and change during this Uranus-Pluto  square that is affecting everyone.  As usual, I have realized that in the effort to help others, some of the messages are missing important details that I feel would be helpful.


One such message is about shame.  It is true that all of us have had shame drilled into us from childhood onward and that some of it is unhealthy for our personal growth.  However, to counter that the light workers who are out there now are telling everyone to work on getting rid of the shame.  They keep saying that shame is bad, that shame is harmful to us, that  we must stop allowing shame to be a part of our lives. The problem as I see it is this:  if narcissism is an epidemic in our culture (and several authors, psychologists and others have said it is) that message is missing an important part.  


It IS important to stop feeling the shame that holds us back from realising our full selves BUT it isn't a good idea to get rid of all shame entirely.  Some shame is necessary to keep us doing what we should as a being among other beings.  For example, the shareholders and CEO of BP should have shame for what they did to the Gulf of Mexico in their drive for profits.  A person should feel shame if they indulge their desires to the point that it breaks up their marriage or another's marriage.  These are just two examples of how shame can be a good tool to deter behavior which harms ourselves or another. 

So while we should look at the shame we feel in our lives and dig through it (Pluto), we should not be sending the message that all shame is bad for us;  it isn't.   Shame serves as a gatekeeper (Capricorn) so that people don't do things which could harm themselves or others. 


Another message I am hearing that is coming from some light-workers is about working on and accepting our shadows.  It is a great idea to work on accepting the shadow side of ourselves but again, it isn't a great idea to use that work to justify acting on our shadow  desires. 

It is especially important to love yourself and  look at and accept your shadow (Pluto)  but a good idea to not indulge it.    Too many light-workers are telling people to accept and love their shadow selves without adding that  important part.  Too many people are using the "I am accepting my shadow" excuse to justify behaviors which are destructive and harmful.  There must be a clarification so that people understand what accepting your shadow really means; loving yourself despite the unacceptable parts you find within while still remaining in the foundations  (Capricorn) of integrity and compassion for yourself and others. 



The last message I am seeing which disturbs me is the biggest one and which has been ongoing since the last Uranus-Pluto aspect (which was a conjunction).  That is the "work on yourself " message.  I agree that we must work on ourselves (Aries)  but since the 1960's, we have been working on ourselves (self-actualization, self-improvement, self-work)  so much that often it is to the exclusion of working on helping our fellow human beings.  The message needs to change.  The message needs to be "work on yourself while you work to help others."  That is a more balanced message.  That is less about "me, me, me,"  (which may have added to the narcissism we are experiencing today and the so-called "Me generation") and more about US (Uranus).  

If we are going to be light-workers to birth the new paradigms we know are coming, we need to make sure we send the right message. We need to make sure people work on freeing themselves of the chains which hold them back while still remembering the healthy parameters in which to live. 

In other words, we can  transform (Pluto) within limits (Capricorn) while embracing the sudden changes and awakenings (Uranus) which are blossoming within all of us (Aries).  That is the message I am sending and one I hope to see more light-workers send as well. 








Friday, March 9, 2012

The war on women

There is a so-called "war on women" going on today around the globe.  There are many reasons for this and the following is not to say that women are to blame. Instead it is to provoke thought about how things are, how men may see things, and how things must change. 

 I would posit that a good part of the backlash against women is from the way males feel they no longer have the hegemony they have been used to for so long under patriarchy.  Of course this will be painful and uncomfortable for them but in order for things to be equal, the Women's Movement and the expression of the Divine Feminine had to happen.  A short look at how a few changes have affected men may be helpful.

For example, women still have all-female enclaves (baby showers, bridal showers, and other all-female activities) but all-male activities and groups have been forced to include women. There has been a noticable uptick in men wanting their own space (can we say "man-cave?") to be with just men. When I was a kid, there were men-only clubs but the Women's Movement changed all that and not for the better I would chance to say.

There has also been a notable change in the nightly sitcoms wherein males are now depicted as bumbling fools compared to the females in the programs. As one guy I know said, "Look at the representations of men in prime-time television; they are either violent and sexist or they are stupid fools falling all over wise women. That is what my son has to look at?" This means that even progressive men are feeling a sense of marginalization.


Many progressive men, the kind who are very sensitive to women's needs and feelings, are getting frustrated with the games women play with them. They chafe at the "men are all pigs" labels and feel they are being judged by the bad apples when they are not themselves behaving like that.

Conversely, many men are labelled with the "nice guy" moniker but that is a death-knell for getting anywhere sexually or romantically. As one guy put it to me, "The nice guys are treated like wimps by women who seem to date the rude, sexist, and controlling guys. If a guy is nice, people accuse him of being gay and women will avoid him. So some guys change and start being assholes just to get a date."

This is where men are today and it is not a comfortable position in which to occupy.

What can be done to make things better?  In our effort to become equal, women have set the male as the default instead of elevating the feminine as equal.  Women pushed for the ability to do and be what males have done and been.  Yet who pushed for traditionally female activities,  such as mothering and caretaking, to be elevated and valued as equal?  Where was the rush to give mothers their social safety nets for the contribution in human capital development that they do?   Would we women need to push so hard into male territory if we valued traditional female activities equally?  I think not.   

It is time to back off and allow men their all-male enclaves and space.  It is time to elevate the feminine mothering to equal status so everyone supports that with real actions such as social safety nets and social supports for women who opt for full time, at home mothering as a career choice. 

For those things to happen, there will have to be a huge paradigm shift from greed, profit, and personal gain to a focus instead on social and generational gains.  A long-term, delayed gratification, investment-in-future-human-capital  ideology will have to be made.  If this shift were to happen, equal but different would be the way of thinking and both genders might feel better about where they stand in society.



Friday, March 2, 2012

Time and changes

As March grows, I feel the feeling and remember last year.  Last March, I got a phone call which changed everything.  Some for the best and some for the worst.  The upheaval that call created was both physical and emotional and a change in responsibility.  Thinking back on all of it I cannot help the feelings that are bubbling up.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family; just last year I found a name for what my mother is and what my father has tendencies for;  Narcissism.  My father remarried when I was in my early twenties.  She was a woman who pretended to be a Christian but her actions were not.  She had only one child; a son. She liked to smoke, drink, and gamble.    My father allowed this woman to push me  especially out of his life.  Oh he would call me sometimes but he rarely ever visited me and when I began having children, he only visited the oldest ones twice when they were babies.  He never knew the younger two.  He only saw any of them when I made the effort (despite having so little means) to drive up to Vegas to see him. Even then, we never were invited to his home; we always had to meet somewhere else.   He never invited me to his home with his wife after I had kids.  Once, we drove there to see him with the three girls and when they got up late and had to be fed, we couldn't meet them at the time they chose so when we were unable to do so, they flatly refused to meet with us at all.  That was so hurtful;  my children were being rejected as was I and I was hurt and angry.

Then the unthinkable happened;  my father's wife died last March.  Just before she died, her son contacted me to let me know HE was their power of attorney.  We drove there to see my dad in rehab as soon as he called to say she had died because they lived in Vegas away from all family or friends.  I felt I couldn't just leave him there alone and with no one near.   I saw a very weak, old, skinny man who couldn't stop talking about all that he had missed and about his perfect wife.  The more time I spent with him the more I realized how stubborn and sefish he was.  I began to like him less and less.  My compassion for him was diminishing moment by moment yet I couldn't abandon him.  Call it compassion or stupidity but I just couldn't walk away and let him die.

My step-brother and his girlfriend revealed a selfish streak when they wouldn't even allow me to remove a picture of myself and my brothers to make copies for myself;  I also was able to get a copy of the wills and trust papers only to find that my father placed his own mother's well being and home in jeopardy of being taken out from under her by his wife or her son if he had died first.  My grandmnother was then 96 years old and had lived on that land since she was 9 years old!  His duplicity and stupidity in allowing himeslf to be so manipulated so that if he had died his wife and her son got everything, including my grandmother's only home,  made me furious.  I told my grandmother what he had done.  She got him to put the property back in her name ONLY at my insistance.  When the step brother could see that my grandmother and I were not going to allow him to use my father for his own ends; he took the money my dad offered him (which was from my step-mom's account) and left; he  put it in writing that he gave up the power of attormey and all claims against my dad and his estate.

This left me scrambling to get my father's care and welfare worked out.  At first I did what my father asked of me but I soon realized he was addicted to painkiller drugs and  I had to start making decisions which looked mean at first but which ultimately saved his life.  This was so time consuming and hard for me.  I was not used to bossing around my parent;  it took a lot of getting used to.  I even had to do things he didn't like such as getting rid of some of his things because they smelled of smoke and the doctor said he should live without them.

The day I had to walk into his apartment for the first time was so emotional for me;  I cried because I had never been invited in over 20 years to their home.  It was awful;  it smelled like an ashtray and the carpet and some furniture was black from her smoking.   She said she couldn't sit in church because of her fibromyalgia but she could sit at casino slot machines or at bingo every day?  How could he have been so stupid as to not see her for the lying, smoking, drinking, gambling bar fly that she was?  Her only son didn't even return for her burial!

As my husband and I went through his things to pack them and move  him,  I began to see evidence that her gambling cost them so much money.  I was horrified at the amount of money she went through and at the amount of money they sent to fundamentalist Christian groups to "buy" their way into God's good graces because they both KNEW they were not living the life they professed to believe.  I became disgusted in the extreme at their hypocrisy.  I was especially angry that they could spend so much money on these things but never sent my children a dime for birthdays or Christmas.  Not that they owed us but that their sefishnss at not wanting to even see their only grandchildren, much less send them a dollar, was awful.  Her son never had any kids so mine were the ONLY ones between  them.

She was so selfish in wanting him all to herself (as well as his money all to herself) that she persuaded him (and he let her!) to stay away from his only grand kids.  Now he is filled with remorse and asks why they won't see him.  At first I tried to be kind but eventualy I just told him that they don't know him and they have no connection with him because he ignored them all those years.  I told him it is too late now; they really don't want to see him and especially not after the tons of trouble and stress he caused me this past year.  I didn't tell him to hurt him;  he just kept asking and asking so I felt it was unfair to keep lying to him and giving him hope.  He needs to get on with his life in assisted living.

I had to take away his car because the doctors say he cannot drive.  I had to make others responsible for his medication management and administration because he almost overdosed and killed himself more than once.  I had to put him in assisted living because I have no room for him in my rented home and he needs more care than I can give.   I had to take over his finances because he would have used them to get more drugs or to rent a car and drive.  He already put a man in the hospital last year before I was able to take the car away and he had no remorse about the injuries the man sustained.  All he could think about was his MONEY. 

I was sickened by him and still feel disgust every time I have to see him.  How awful is that?  I rarely call him (it costs me to do so as he lives 3 hrs and a lower elevation from me because of his CHF).  I rarely visit him because the cost of gas is too high.  We had to move him three times; the money he gave me to protect it from the injured man is gone because of his bad choices.  He ran through over $20,000 in less than a year because of his addiction and my not knowing how bad things were.  Had I known, I would have only moved him once into the assisted living place he is in now and saved him a lot of money and me and my husband a lot of time, energy and heartache.   Hindsight is always better than current vision.

The feelings I am having about this time last year are jumbled into sadness, anger, hope and feeling good that I did the right thing despite my disgust.  He is alive, in a place which has things for him to do, he is being carefully managed medically and he has friends.  Instead of revenge, I can sleep at night because I did the compassionate and humane thing.  Even though some of it was painful for both of us and it is an uneasy relationship (he hates being controlled by me) I know he is alive to live more years.   More than anything, I did it for my grandmother because he is her only son and walking away would have devastated her.  I love her and could not bear to do anything which would cause her hurt. 

At least this year I can look forward to my son's birthday on March 11 without having to rush to Vegas to deal with my dad's mess.  This time, I face March with hope and happiness because my youngest child and only son turns ten soon.  And I can know that through it all, I was an example to my children for what being like Ghandi, Christ, MLK, and many others  really means; love your neighbor; even if he is your disgusting and selfish and neglectful father.  Do it because that is the right and compassionate and kind and humane thing to do.  Revenge doesn't taste sweet;  compassion does.






Monday, January 30, 2012

Absolutes for breakfast

I am, for the most part, a gray-area person.  This means I don't usually ascribe to absolutes much because humanity is full of diverse folks for which absolutes do not fit.  Having said that I should also say that there are some things that, as I get older and more experienced, I see do have some absolutes.  I think the same gray area focus needs to be applied to this issue.  In other words, to say there should be no absolutes is just as absolutist as  the absolutes themselves.

What on earth am I getting at?  Most gray-area thinkers will not consider the possibility that there may be some absolutes in life; they just cannot fathom that.  Yet in their unwillingness to see that it is a possibility, they are just as entrenched as the absolutists.  Real open-minded  living means being open to ALL possibilities, including absolutes.  What a concept!

For example, it is all the rage to pressure people to be open about things that they may not feel comfortable with.  The folks who have open minds often begin polarizing themselves into a sort of "if you are not open-minded like us, you are inferior."  There is an absolute in that belief because it leaves no room for and/or.  It is not an inclusive belief. 

What is an absolute I have experienced?  There may be a lot of love to go around but only so much time and time IS love  to most people.  Yep, People can have love enough to go around for everyone but time is finite and every time you add another person (like having another child for example) or another interest,  the time available to everyone gets smaller per person.  And most children and people see time as love so they begin to resent that change in the amount of time they get.   They perceive that smaller slice of time as being a smaller slice of love. 

This is where jealousy kicks in and rears its head.   Jealousy is the natural feeling that you are missing something you feel you deserve and that someone, (or something)  else is getting what you believe is rightfully yours.  When it comes to time=love, their feelings make sense.  Jealousy is not a dirty word then but an outward emotion of the inner knowledge of a shrinking amount of time=love. Making the jealous person feel guilty about their feelings only makes things worse.

Let's be real; less time IS less time and it feels like less love even if it doesn't mean that.  The feeling is legitimate and no one should be made to feel guilty for feeling it.  No matter how much you explain that there is enough love to go around, people inherently know we all spend more time with (and on) those people (and interests) we care about.  We can say there's enough love until the cows come home but it will not make any difference to the people involved; they are not  fooled.   They KNOW they are getting less of something important.

  Now that I have said what I see as an absolute, let the rebuttals and arguments begin. 









More is better?

 Some people seem content with their lives and themselves for the most part and others seem to have an inner restlessness and neediness. 

When I was growing up, my brother and I were very different.  I was happy with what I had, with the attention I got from our parents and with life in general for the most part.  He was never satisfied with what he got, with the attention he was given and with his life in general.  This made him restless, jealous, unhappy and malcontent all the time.  If our mother gave us two cookies, I was happy to get two cookies but he argued for more.  If she spent time with him and gave him attention, he needed more.  He needed so much that she often felt exhausted by his needs and said that out loud.

This is not totally a learned trait.  I know this because I see it in my own children.  One is a lot like my brother; no matter how much attention or things she gets, she seems to need more.  The other is contented and happy with herself and her life.   I fear the first  will never be happy.  People like that are never satisfied no matter how much they have or how much attention they get.  There are arguments which say  that such people are the ones who do great things because they are not content  with things as they are.  Perhaps that is so but at what personal, happiness price do they accomplish such things?

As a parent, I wish happiness for my children.  Of course I know they will not be happy all the time but what parent would wish to sit back and see their child suffer unhappiness?  I cannot do anything about it but I wish there were some way to help.

Some people are not malcontent but ADD.  ADD causes people to be restless and  always seeking novelty to reduce boredom.  

Malcontents and ADD folks not only feel unhappy, they often induce unhappiness in others.  When a malcontent or ADD person   marries a contented, non-ADD  person, there can be problems.  The malcontent/ADD  may desire location changes a lot or job changes or partner changes.  This causes a lot of misery for the contented partner and the children because children need stability.

Too often, a malcontent/ADD person marries a contented person because opposites attract and the contented person is not as likely to leave or cheat.  The contented person ends up hurt because the malcontent/ADD person never seems satisfied no matter what the contented person is or does.  It is really important for the contented person to realize that it isn't them;  they cannot make their malcomtented/ADD partner happy.

Malcontents and ADD people  have to be made responsible for their actions; especially those which are harmful to others such as cheating.  The old "if you love me you will let me" is bullshit and the worst kind of emotional manipulation.  Using ADD or malcontent as an excuse is not healthy.  People get hurt, children get damaged and the malcontent/ADD person should be able to consider others' needs as well as their own and work for balance.

Our society helps induce a sense of malcontent.  The media plays a role in this because people are told they would be happier if they bought this product or lived this lifestyle when in fact, the opposite is usually true.  We are surrounded by messages that tell us we never have enough; enough money, time, attention, sex, love, house, prestige, etc.   So even if a person is not genetically malcontent or ADD, they still may act like that due to social conditioning which was designed to sell products and promote consumption.

This way of socializing people begins in childhood and is a non-stop bombardment throughout life.  Between this bombardment and the social message that the individual is all-important (as opposed to the group or family); we have become a culture of malcontents.  The fallout is that our children are damaged and unhappy.

Whether it is from genetics or socialization, the malcontent has to stop or at least be managed better.  Our families, relationships, and especially our kids need a better way to live.










A change for the better


I have three daughters.  They are 19, 19 and almost 17.  They have always been  insightful and intuitive.  Recently, they noticed that most all of their age cohort friends are “coming out” as either gay, lesbian,  or bisexual.  These are kids they have known since grade school.   My daughters are not anti anything so they are not disturbed by their friends coming out but they have noticed it as a sort of trend.  The sheer numbers of age cohorts here now self-identifying as either gay, lesbian, or bi is amazing.  My daughters asked me, “Mom are all these kids really gay, lesbian,  or bi or is it just a fad?”  

I replied that if the kids say they are then we should take their word for it.  One daughter said she felt it was  a fad because it was now seen as cool to come out as gay, lesbian,  or bi in our area.  I cannot say if she is right or not.   So many of  her Facebook friends have come out as gay, lesbian, or bi  and they are not afraid of censure  it seems.  

What I do know is this, if these kids are what they say they are (and I firmly believe they are)  then there are far more openly gay and lesbian and bisexual people than anyone imagined and they are not as afraid to be open about it because their age cohort isn’t as homophobic as older generations have been.  Both are a good thing in my book. 

Even if it were  a fad, that it could be a fad is a huge change from the old way of seeing gayness, lesbianism, and bisexuality as a negative thing.  The younger generation has it right;  be what you are and accept others for who and what they are.  Life is too short to judge and condemn.