Saturday, August 7, 2010

Parenting?

Since when is it ok to punish your kids' friends for something your kid did? If your child's friends are expecting to do an activity with your child and you cancel because of something your kid did then the friends pay? When did that become the parenting norm?


Our whole family was invited to dinner at my kids' friend's house today.  We had cleared our day for that and made some dessert in preparation.  I didn't defrost any meat for dinner because of this invitation.  The older three kids were to go over early to watch a movie with their friend but when my husband went to drop them off, the mother met them at the door and said the dinner was cancelled because of an "issue,  a bump in the road"  and she said we could do the dinner at a later date.  My husband drove the kids home and we were very amazed at the whole thing.  Now I had to rethink dinner; we don't have the money to just "buy a pizza"  for things like this.  They were home maybe 20 minutes when the phone rang and the mom asked if we could redo this today.  I was so shocked I asked her "You mean TODAY?"  She said sheepishly "If you still want to."  I am a gracious person and I knew my kids wanted to do this so I said of course we would.  She offered to pick up the kids but I said they had to go to get their glasses because they had chosen to do that when they thought they were not going to visit and dinner.  So my husband got the kids their eyeglasses and then dropped them off. 


I cannot tell the mom how I feel because if I did, it is likely she would not allow her kid to hang with my kids out of her anger with me which would mean that again, MY kids pay. 


What I want to know is this:  why is it ok now for parents to punish other people who have changed their whole day's plans to do an activity with them just because THEIR kid misbehaved? 
My kids have busy lives, their time (as well as mine and my husband's) is valuable; if we have made time for your kids don't assume we are expendable collateral damage in order to correct your kid.  We are NOT.  The whole thing is inexcusable. 


Another friend had said her child could visit my kids from far away but she made it contingent on her child accomplishing some goal.  We were told mixed messages; yes the child was coming but the day before the child was due to arrive, we were told the child had reached the goal so we could expect the visit to happen.   I was horrified because our whole family had cleared our calendar for the entire duration of  this person's  planned visit; what if the child had not met the goal?   How can parents treat others so callously in their efforts to goad their own children into the behavior they desire?  I felt used and my kids did as well. 


Another friend  moved away and her kid is friends with my kids.  My kids begged her to allow her  kid to have a Facebook but the woman said her kid could only have it if she behaved.  So my kids have waited in vain for that kid to get a Facebook account and keep in touch with them. They miss this kid  terribly but the mom just doesn't even think of what it is doing to my kids to use that as a punishment or incentive for good behavior. 


I am not going to apologize for my feelings in this;  you cannot treat other people that way!   Find some other way to punish or motivate your kid but leave me and my family's feelings and time out of it.  If you say your kid is coming or that my kids can come over, then stick to that unless a real emergency comes up like an illness or death in the family or family emergency (accident, someone really needs you, etc.).   To do otherwise is using us and it makes us feel used AND expendable. 


If my kids misbehave and they are supposed to have someone over or go visit their friends, I make it clear that they are only doing the pre-planned activity because it would be unfair to the OTHER person to cancel but that they will have to go without some other desired thing that doesn't involve other people.  Why can't other parents do that?  To me, using others as incentives or punishment teaches their kids that it is just fine to use people and jerk them around that way.  I refuse to teach my kids that other people's lives, time,  and feelings are unimportant.  Perhaps this trend in parenting is evidence as to just how far we have fallen in common human decency in this country.  I hate to think that a whole generation of kids is growing up with these kinds of lessons;  is it any wonder so many people these days think it is OK to treat others so badly?