What is a need and what is a want?

There's so much talk about  needs and wants.  Yet when people try to define the difference, it seems difficult to do like trying to catch the smoke off a campfire.  


I cannot define it for anyone else.  I do know that time, astrological events, age, and hormones can change needs and wants.  


The Uranus opposition seems to be a time when people feel insecure and need extra reassurance that they are not old, that they are still desirable, that they are still amazing (like they felt when they were younger).  Yet that need dissipates as the opposition ends.  So is it really a need or a temporary want? 


Very hard to say for sure.


The Chiron return (often coupled with the hormonal surges of menopause for women) is also a time of deep insecurity.  The women I have spoken to who (like myself ) are past that,   all say they went through a lot of insecurity then.  Just when their hormones are really high (and their libido is high to match) they are looking older and no longer able to get the male attention they so want.  Chiron also digs up lots of issues which can cause added insecurity until these issues are dealt with.  A lot of women who relied on their physical looks suddenly feel the loss as age creeps up on them and unless they developed their inner selves somewhere along the way, they feel a crisis of confidence and think they need someone (or several  someones) to pay more attention to them.  Many of these women had affairs with younger men or added men to their lives even though their partners were not happy about it.  Several of them, as the hormones died down and the Chiron return ended, wondered why they had done these actions and felt like they messed up the good thing they had.  Was theirs a need or a want if it was temporary and based on hormones and Chiron returning? 


Isn't it hard to know the answer to that?  It IS  hard and no one  can define it but the people going through it. Yet it is as they are going through it that they are least able to be objective about it.


All I know is, sometimes we confuse needs and wants to the point that we hurt ourselves and others.  That is when knowing the difference between these and the astrological (and hormonal) events can help.  Having someone past that time also helps; they can help us see that there is a time limit to the feelings ans that the feelings will be a lot less intense as time goes on.


If you know that feeling of insecurity is temporary (as it often is during the Uranus opposition and the Chiron return and menopause) then it would make sense to be cautious and not do drastic things which could harm yourself or another.  


A woman I knew turned 40 and left her family, took her young child with her, and went out of the country to a foreign one to have a mad affair with a married man.  It destroyed the whole family and burning her bridges like that made coming back home (when the boyfriend sent her away) so much harder.  What she felt was a need was fleeting;  after the Uranus opposition settled down, the intense desire (what she thought was a need) left her;  she realized the fall-out and has lived with deep regrets and the loss of relationships with two of her adult children.  

So it pays to think really hard about needs and wants during certain times of our lives.  The Saturn return (around ages 27-30), the Uranus opposition (around ages 38-42) and the Chiron return (around ages 50-51) all cause some feelings of change and insecurity (the latter two especially).  Menopause does as well for women.  It is wise to be very careful at those times and ask ourselves, "If this feeling passes, will I still want what I think I need?  Why do I think I need this at this time?"  If it is at any of those pivotal times, it would be best to proceed with caution.  Get opinions from people who are a few years older; they are not in the middle of the feelings and as such are a lot more objective.  

parents can be painful....or how Chiron return hurts

:::emotional rant font on:::::Today I had the usual long mental list of what I should be doing: making lessons for my son, working on my online assignments for my classes, getting the mail out, writing a thank you note, writing my credit union board in the hopes they wouldn't close the local branch and more.  Instead, I find myself having crying jags.  It comes from a deep wound from my past that has resurfaced. 

I was always the empathic kid that didn't ask for anything..the youngest child until I was 12 and then the middle child and only girl.  I am the classic guilted daughter.  Last year, my father informed me that if his wife passes on before him, he will give me half of everything he has when he goes and the other half would go to her son.  Her son is already the executor if his will.  Her son has no children;  I have my father's only acknowledged  four grandchildren (I say acknowledged because he adopted my younger half-brother but refuses to call him son now that he is grown).  That means my kids, his only grand kids will get less than what her son gets because he would get half of my Dad's money and property plus the nice big chunk executors get (and my grandmother said that it will be a sizable chunk).  In essence, her son will get more than his own flesh and blood only daughter.  God that hurts.   It isn't the first time my dad has hurt me.  This hurts far more than it would have were I childless.  I don't care for myself, I care because I have four children and between my grandmother (his mom) and my dad, there will be a sizable inheritance. 

I know why he is doing this...it is to please his wife.  The same wife that is so unwilling to share him that he missed my older brother's wedding (that brother passed away  in 2008), my wedding, my younger brother's wedding, and my older brother's funeral.  He has seen his only grandchildren a handful of times and only two of those times were because he made the efort to see them.  When he calls me, she interjects into his conversation with me over and over as though she resents even the small amount of time he is giving to me  about once a month.  I don't make any demands on him or his wife or their time.  I have never even seen the home they live in because they never invite me and when I asked long ago  if I can visit (because I thought I should let him see his grandkids) the excuse is always "she is not well....we just don't know if she will be up to a visit"  yet my sister-in-law visited a few weeks ago on a whim and was welcomed with open arms.  If it wouldn't hurt my grandmother (whom I love beyond imagining) I would just stop dealing with him at all because of the hurt.  I would have been better off if he had never told me. Then I could have my illusion that I wasn't going to get anything anyway and that would not have been so painful.  I guess I should be grateful.  After all,  his money is a poor substitute for what I really wanted from him; his time and love.

Why can't I just let this go?  I thought I could...for months since he told me I just wrote it off  reminding myself I knew he would never give me anything anyway and I should be thankful that he even wants to give me anything at all.  Somehow today it hit me all over again and the hurt slammed into me like a wrecking ball into my heart:  he values her son more than he values me or his grandkids.   I need a thicker heart-wall.  :::sigh::::  

I don't tell him because it would not do any good.  I have told him before how much he hurt me and he apologized but didn't do anything to change his behavior so it is a waste of my time to even try.  Having to deal with him is like scraping  a raw wound sometimes.  Both my parents say they love me but their actions are often not matching their words.  One wants to have all my attention like an emotional vampire and the other is so stingy with his time that I feel abandoned.  My compassionate mind knows they are just imperfect people, but the needy little kid they abadoned so cavalierly many years ago when they divorced...twice, dragging me and my siblings through their personal, self-centered agendas, still feels that abandonment.

::::emotional rant font off::::

The best thing is...my parents have taught me what NOT to be to my kids.  I hope I am doing a  better job than they did.  My kids say I do but who knows how they will feel when they leave home someday and get other input.