The softly falling snow....

brought the cloudy morning light.  It is almost Solstice.  As I watched the light grow today and the snow falling, I listened to old choirs singing old Christmas songs and I remembered.

I remembered the wonderful feeling of Christmas in Germany with the snow thick on the ground, the forests standing silently in the cold, the castles simply decorated with boughs of greenery and red ribbons.  The peacefulness of those Christmases is in my heart amidst the garish displays of my own country's conspicuous consumption glitzy idea of Chrtistmas. 

I remembered that one and only Christmas where I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my cousins.  The giggling the night before and the snow on the ground resonated deep within me.  The infectious excitement of the season and sharing that excitement with other children my own age was intoxicating.  We ran down the noisy wooden stairs at the crack of light Christmas morning to open presents.  The snow lay beyond the wrap-around porch and the parents came down sleepy-eyed and smiling.  I remember playing in the snow later that day and having the time of my life.  I never stayed with those cousins again until my other Uncle's funeral when I was 16. My parents divorced, we were poor, and when they got married again, we traveled with the military so I didn't get to see my cousins.  It was always just me and my brother until I was 12 and then it was brothers, plural.  That Christmas stands out in my mind so clear as though it were yesterday. 

I remembered the one  Christmas Eve when I was 13 or 14 and my parents were back together and we were stationed at Ft. Huachuca, Arizona. For some reason, we chose to go to the post Chapel for their candelight ceremony instead of to the Assembly of God church off base.  The post Chapel was designed more like the old Lutheran churches in Europe though less ornate.  It was a beautiful, quiet, contemplative and  wonderful ceremony.  The high ceiling echoed with the soft hymns of Christmas and each person passed the flame from candle to candle.  The lights went out and we raised our candles as the Light of Christ's love and compassion that flooded the church that night.  Then we spilled out of the church, symbolically spreading that love and compassion light out to the world.  Everyone felt so together, welcome, cheerful, and peaceful.

 Many years later my husband and I took our then three daughters to a local Lutheran church for their candlelight ceremony on Christmas Eve.  I was so uncomfortable because instead of that welcoming feeling of being included, people stared at us, they talked to each other,  and no one introduced themselves.  Their exclusivity was apallingly apparent;  so different from the inclusion I felt at the post Chapel where everyone included everyone else because in the military, people come and go all the time so being exclusive doesn't work.  What a sad difference it was to be so excluded and to feel so left out.  We went through the motions of the ceremony but it felt hollow and dead for us.  I cried because my kids would not have that feeling that night that I had.

As I  think back on the Christmases past in my life, I think of so many moments that brought the love, caring, and  peaceful contemplation;   I miss being with people who include and have compassion,   people who don't judge, people who love and share and are warm and inviting. 
I miss those kinds of people.  Where are they?  Are they only to be found on military bases then? 

For me, Christmas is about quiet carols, snow, twinkling lights, baking treats, candles glowing softly, the laughter of children, the prayers for peace, the happy joy of giving and sharing, the momnents of real compassion and hope, the singing of fun and sacred songs, and the hugs we give. 

It is time to bring back the light of Love and Compassion and what better time than the Return of the Light on Solstice? 

Join me in spreading the inclusion, the caring, the gentle touch of help and acceptance, the smile that brings hope.  Somewhere, someone like me is feeling that empty space because they don't have that inclusion and they desire it with all their hearts.

Fast and loaded

Some really fast computers are amazing; they juggle a lot of information and get a lot done.  Yet even a really fast computer, if loaded with too many complex programs running at the same time, can get slowed down. 

I feel like that computer.

I am fast;  I think fast and think several steps ahead of most people, I talk fast, I understand concepts fast, I extrapolate things fast, I sense and intuit things fast and I do things fast.  I make a lot of people nervous because of how fast I process things, how much energy I have at my age, how open minded I am,  and how much I  get done.  They freak out when  they find out how much I am doing mentally every day.  I am a 220 volt, fast processor person.  Yet even I have a limit on how many programs I can run at once. 

I am running the entire household.  Everyone does that, right?  But I run it two steps ahead, always thinking of every one of the five other people's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs, as well as my own. Yep I think about all that.  I think of the future and take steps NOW to have a long-term outcome that is beneficial for everyone in the family.  I do all the finances, all the household inventory, menu planning, meal making, event planning and implementation (including financial considerations for these) and family health appointments.  I handle three ADD people in the house, one non-ADD person who is having anger about having to "help" her siblings who are ADD, one growing boy and a complex husband all the while growing, learning and changing my own self and inner life.  I keep up on local and national politics, vote every election, write politicians about issues, phone them up too, write the local paper and editorial sections of state papers.  I keep everyone eating healthier than most.  I make lesson plans for two kids, teach one of those kids, monitor the other three kids and take 12 credits per semester of upper division online classes for my own degree.  Meanwhile, I explore things I didn't know and read everything I can.  I maintain relationships both deep and superficial, and I keep up a homeschool P E day group as well as taxi my kids to places. I write in this blog, try to help others every day, pay it forward, be the change I want to see and all that.  I am raising four kids, three of whom are teens with their issues.  I am going through menopause and losing weight at a fast rate.  I have improved my sex life and am getting inventive with that and the deepening relationship with my husband.  I balance in-laws, out-laws, friends, and all the usual crap people do but with the added aspect of both psychology and astrology thrown in.  People ten years younger than I am get tired when faced with my high energy and fast processing.  I  keep up on so much and do it so fast that I am at capacity.  Time is my enemy;  I only have so  much to spare and it is already pretty much taken up.  My energy, though higher than most, is also finite and must be carefully managed for everything I am currently running.  That's another thing I do;  time and energy management.

So when I ask people for help with something, it is because I am already at an unusually higher capacity than my peers.   It drives me nuts that my very excellence at competence works against me; people just expect me to be able to do and handle everything.  Well I am here to say that I am not and that sometimes, I need a little help.  It would be nice to get it when I ask for it.  Yes, this high-energy, fast, forward thinking, mover, proactive, intuitive, deep thinking,  changer sometimes needs a little help and I am not afraid to ask for it anymore.

Changing

I am changing.  This past year has been amazing.  I met a wonderful friend who taught me things I wouldn't have known otherwise.  Though she is more than ten years younger than I, I learned so much from her.  As  result of her and other people as well as inner changes that are coming (Chiron Return, soon) I have made a lot of changes in my life.

The first change was in how I spend my time.  Last year, I would get up, do my class work and if I had time, I would teach my son or help my daughters with school.  Meals were not cooked, life was hectic, the kids suffered and I felt totally out of control and inadequate.  My friend's life of just being a wife and stay-at-home mom seemed out of reach but oh so attractive to me.  This year, I changed my schedule.  Now I do my classwork in the early mornings (after taking some time for myself) and then spend my time with my son when he awakens.  I spend time with my daughters during the day and get dinner on time.  I spend evenings with my husband too.  What changed?  I spend a lot less time doing my school work.  I no longer care if I get "A's" in those classes because doing that took away from the people I love the most and caused me awful angst and tension.  As long as I pass each class, that's good enough.

The second thing I did was I started a diet that is controversial but tweaked it to be healthy and work for me.  I began deliberately losing weight for the first time.  I have lost 110 lbs since May 14th and I feel so much better. I still have 100 lbs to lose yet  I feel sexier, my husband and I fit better in bed,  and the sex has gotten hotter and deeper than ever.  I feel my feelings now too and they are overwhelming me sometimes.  Food used to squelch my feelings;  now I eat so little of it that I feel everything.  Going through menopause and feeling everything makes me weepy.  I am also feeling the return of my old sexual self with this weight loss; this makes me nervous sometimes.  I feel a sense of self too;  for so long I was this non-self and now my kids are going crazy because suddenly Mom is acting like an emotional, energetic, assertive, but rational teenager.

Another change I have been making is that I am trying to understand my feelings; about myself, my husband, my kids, and those people in my life who I think of as friends.  There are people I have emotional connections with and I am trying to honestly explore those connections.  I no longer hide what I feel about them; I have told them.  Some have let me know that they feel the same about me but some elude me and I have to think that they either don't feel the same about me or they do but are not willing (or able) to deal with that right now.  I am less afraid of rejection;  perhaps having some new, close  friends has helped me with that.  In my openness, I have also been honest about my feelings to my husband.  To my surprise, he was not upset about these.  He holds my vulnerable heart gently and with wise caring.  I have always felt very deep feelings for him and, unlike so many people, he is able to handle these.  In fact, I have found that I am a very intense, passionate person; many people are just not able to handle that and I have been bereft of friendships for a long time because I seem so different to people who haven't that intensity or depth. 

One of the hardest changes I have made is about my sexuality.  I have finally been able to again ask for what I want with my husband in a vulnerable but not demanding way.  I used to be very assertive about sex but after marrying my husband, I found him saying no to my requests so much that I felt rejected and stopped initiating  at all.   When we talked about it, he said he felt pressured to perform.  I wondered why every man I have a long-term relationship with always liked sex a lot less than I did.  I felt like it was something  in me they were rejecting, or that I was somehow abnormal in my desire for sex.  I felt hurt and angry.  

Much later, we found out that he has had low testosterone for years.  After getting treatment for it,  things got a little better but it wasn't until I had my son that things really changed;  now I suddenly felt a huge drop in desire and it didn't come back even after a few years had gone by.   I began eating more, we both got fat and we stopped having sex at all.  Finally, my husband sensed the huge change in me and he realized what he was missing.  Finally he started wanting me but it was a bit too late;  I was not feeling desire at all.  Instead I felt humiliated, demoralized and angry.  I began picking on him regularly and he felt angry then, too. 

One day, I was wondering if my teen daughters had ADD; I began reading the symptoms and I realized that my husband had almost all of them.  Suddenly I wasn't so angry anymore.  It explained so much.  I began talking to him about it and he decided to seek a diagnosis and maybe treatment for it.  I stopped picking on him.  He and I were in the nurse's office one day when she told him that he is hurting me because he keeps allowing me to carry too much of the thinking and remembering in the relationship.  I was amazed that she could see that and I began to cry before I could stop it.  He was totally surprised;  even though I had told him I felt  that way, he hadn't seen it until someone else said she saw it too.  She said he needed to take more responsibility for his actions toward me and that doing that would help me feel less pain and anger.  It was like he realized just how much he had been hurting me,  even if unintentionally.  We left that office and both of us changed.  Now we are closer than ever and feeling much better about ourselves and our relationship. 

Both my husband and I also began reading a book given to me which was about the Law of Attraction.  As a realist, I don't fully believe in that in the way it is being taught. The universe Source may be able to give you whatever you want but sometimes it is better for you when it doesn't and you experience misfortune, it is not because you were not clear enough or open enough (which is blaming the victim of that misfortune and thus marginalizing them); it is because you need to have challenges or you don't grow.  We did believe in the positive thinking part so we made an effort to be more positive in our lives and it has helped both of us be more relaxed and open to change.  We have made a five year plan and a ten year plan and we have chosen to make real changes in areas that we need to make changes.  We both feel like gratitude is very important in how we see our lives; living in a state of gratitude means not always seeing only the negative. 

So many changes in just one year.  There are still more to come and I look forward to them all. 

Quiet privacy

It is early morning.  I wake up at 5:15 AM during the workweek and turn and embrace my husband. We are both naked.  The heat of his body and the warm waterbed embrace me.  His hands touch me with sleepy love; my hands do the same to him. I love the smell and feel of him. I love that I am not alone; that he is there in the dark and that his heart is with mine.   We drift off until the snooze alarm goes off.  That dark, quiet, close place in the morning is sensual.  What a way to start the day; skin to skin, touching. 

We have coffee together and then he leaves at 6 AM.  Now I have some quiet privacy.  It is still dark; the children are all asleep.  I finally have time for myself.  I am supposed to be doing my college class work but I resent doing that.  Instead, I do my favorite things; I read (Planet Waves) and I write (here or in my diary) and I dream.  I comment on PW posts or answer e-mails.  Sometimes I go back to bed and make love to myself because I wanted to make love to my husband but he had to get up and get ready for work; there just wasn't enough time. 

These few dark hours and sunrise are the only privacy I get in a day full of three teens and a young son and an evening with my husband.  So in this quiet privacy, I meditate, remember and dream.   I feel my feelings and feel my body that is changing.  I feel the turn of the planet and the pine trees outside.  I feel the sacred mountain out back and the huge, blue skies above.  I feel the slow awakening of the plants and animals in the morning.  I feel the dark belly that is winter approaching.  I love being home. 

This life; of being a stay-at-home mother and wife is far better than the life I had before children; that life of working in jobs where people were so superficial and office gossip and politics so negative.  People often ask me how I can stand it, being home all the time.  The answer to that is easy;  here I am my own boss and though I give my time and energy to four needy people, I choose that and I am not constantly critiqued on it or threatened with the loss of income or livelihood while doing this work.  I am not at the mercy of people who have different (often superficial and self-serving) values.  It is a work that is fulfilling and happy.  I can have a slow day or a fast one;  my choice.  I am lucky that my husband  has no problem with me being a stay-at-home mother and wife.   I do not denigrate women who work;  maybe they like the office gossip or politics and don't see these as negative. 

Just as I can feel the slow turning of the earth and the change of the seasons, I can feel the slow growing and changing of my kids and myself.  It isn't about getting recognition or status or money, or even time with adults  for me;  it is about feeling that quiet moment, that cycle, that deep wheel of time.  I need this.

I love dark mornings because in this time, I cultivate gratitude for my love, my family, my earth, and my life. 

Solstice

Winter Solstice is coming. 

You can feel it in the darkness, the slow turning of the earth, the silence of night.

There will also be a lunar eclipse on that day as well. 

It will truly be the night to welcome back the light. 

The fire will burn brightly and the night sky will be luminous with stars. 

As the Wheel of the Year turns and the beginning of the season of winter comes again, it is time to revel in the returning of the light.  Yet light is symbolic of more than just the life-giving sun;  light is symbolic of  knowledge,  awareness and intuition.  Our society has fallen into the darkness of conservative hate,  closed-mindedness,  and fear.  Even as the sun returns, we must bring the return of sanity and reason and compassion in our society; we must shine the light of these in everything we do.  Spread the light of knowledge and honesty, caring for one another as we struggle for change.

Bring back the light and shine it into the dark spaces we all fear most; our love, our sexuality, our feelings, our relationship with our planet,  and the living things and people on it. 

Let us welcome the return of the Light.

Friends

A very sweet person today told me that friendship isn't just about doing the things we most often think of as friend-things.  He said friendship is also about sharing things with one another; things we don't share with just anyone.  I had thought that friendship meant knowing each other's phone numbers or going out for coffee or ringing each other up every so often.  The problem is, I have people I care about and feel close to that I don't do those things with.  I don't have their phone  number or their address, I don't go out for coffee because they live far away and I don't just ring them up for a chat either because I know they are way too busy for chatting.  Yet I feel close to them and know stuff about them (and they know stuff about me) that only a friend would know. 

Friendship is a mysterious thing for me because I moved around so much all my life that I was never able to make and keep friends.  The internet has also blurred the definitions of friendship because it allows us to share our most intimate secrets with people we may never meet in person.  Are these people friends?  Even if they don't always be there when we need support or love?  Apparently they are friends, just a different type that is based on geographical distance and an intimacy via words.

The friend that told me this today is not far away but we don't spend a lot of time together.  Yet when he was in his most vulnerable moments, I was there to hold his heart in my gentle hands, with love, acceptance,  and comfort.  Today he held my troubled and vulnerable heart in his gentle hands and offerd me love, acceptance and comfort and I am thankful for him.  I love him because he is my friend.

Thanks, Mike.

The quiet void

There are so many times when I am glad that I have the ability to write what I think and feel so easily.  This is not exactly one of them. Especially when it comes to sharing with others;  I share and I share and I share but often, I get no response back to let me know if what I shared was meaningful to anyone else.  No one who writes,  writes in a vaccuum; most people I know who write do so to help, share, express themselves and they hope to make a difference to someone. 

The lack of response always makes me doubt myself.  Maybe I write too much and it is too overwhelming. Maybe people are too busy to respond or too busy to read what I write.   Maybe I write things no one likes to read.  Maybe I write things that make people feel uncomfortable.  Or maybe the truth is that I write things that engender no feelings at all;  the  indifference from others  is this huge, quiet  void.  It is like an artist who paints their heart and soul out on canvas only to be ignored completely.  It is very difficult to keep painting if it only means something to the painter.   Even a negative reaction is preferrable; at least it acknowledges what I have put out there.  I don't expect everyone to like what I write. 

Whatever it is, I want to write and feel compelled to write but I think I will  keep it hidden, as though it were some disease to be kept secret.  It hurts to keep it secret because it is part of me and when it is ignored, I feel ignored;  I feel like that part of me is a part no one else wants to experience.  I feel like I have nothing to offer from that deepest well of my intuition and feeling.  Why does this matter so much lately? I hate feeling this needy.

Maybe it is a self esteem thing that I need to work on. ::::sigh::::

Sexual intimacy

All my life I have heard and read that women find intimacy in romance and men find intimacy in sex.  I used to feel bad because  as a woman, I seemed to be twisted around so that I found intimacy in both.  None of the women I talked to or had friendships with ever said they craved sex when they craved intimacy.  I felt weird, odd, and abnormal.  Was I part male? Did I have a male brain?  My problems with irregular menses and infertility and even having dreams in which I was the man making love to a woman all made me wonder.  I am also so logical like men are said to be;  I hate shopping and dislike a lot of the typically feminine things most women revel in like girls' nights out.   Yet in direct proportion to all that;  I have always been deeply feminine, deeply romantic, happily submissive.  On one hand, I used to openly initiate sexual encounters but once in the bedroom, I became a willing, active, inventive,  but very submissive participant.


I was raised that for women to say they want sex is to be too demanding;  my experience in relationships with men showed me that many men say they want a demanding woman but when faced with one, they get terrified that they will not be able to "perform"  to her satisfaction.  I got really good at not asking for sex or saying I wanted it; even my husband in the early part of our marriage had denied me when I openly asked to the point where I never initiated anymore.    I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago;  I was wanting sex and intimacy with my husband but was afraid to ask for it.  I got up the courage to ask for it and somehow he sensed that this was a huge leap on my part into deep waters and he complied.  It was amazing and close and memorable; every inch of our bodies was touching in the front.  He  seemed to be more willing because he said it didn't feel like a demand but more like a vulnerable request.  Where open demands got me refusal, an honest vulnerable request got me some of the best sex I have had in a long time. 


It is time for me to speak out and say that  some women also find intimacy in sex.  As I work hard week after week, eventually I need to connect with my husband and not just by talking;  I want to touch him, hold him, have sex with him, feel him deep inside me.    I need that deep connection sex gives and the vulnerability we share in it.  Something tells me there are far more women like me than ever admit it.  Instead, too many women make men feel bad because they (men) want sex for intimacy while women want cuddling and romance.  Well men like cuddling and romance and talking too;  my husband is proof of that.  After being so busy week after week that we haven't had much time for each other, he and I take time for slow and emotional sex and cuddling and talking. 


For the most part, I am a very self-sufficient person and I operate in confidence.  Yet there are times when I feel emotionally needy and vulnerable and he knows that making love to me is exactly what I need at those times.  I am a kinesthetic person;  I need touch to feel secure. 


Ladies,  it is time to be open about what we really feel and need.  Be honest about sexuality.  It is a lot better when we are honest with ourselves and others. We just might actually save some young adult the shame and fear that I  went through because I didn't know that I was not alone in my feelings. It is OK for women to like sex, to crave it for intimacy, to enjoy it and to actively ask  for it.

Secret thoughts

I have chosen monogamy.  I like the security of it, the comfort of it and the feeling of belonging it carries.  Many people choose it and never think twice about it. 


Yet I am aware that there is a side to me that is not so monogamous.  There is a part of me that physically responds sexually  to some men and even some women.  I know this and I don't act on it for several reasons; the foremost one is the vow I made to someone who means the world to me.  He would feel betrayed were I to allow the physical reactions to be acted out.  The second reason is because I don't want the risk of disease; if I got something it could shorten my life and the kids need me and my husband  could get it from me which could harm him.  The third reason is because acting on these responses would cause my children pain and fear.  I know that because when I was a child and my parents divorced, any person they brought into their lives affected me and my siblings profoundly either by their absence of caring or because we grew attached to them only to see them leave.  That kind of instability is not good for kids.  The fourth reason is because I don't like the complications another relationship (or even casual sex) would bring to my life, even if I were being open about it.  When I think of what it would entail to actually  go out and act on the physical responses I have, I am just not willing to deal with the mess that would create for everyone in the family.  What if the other person was demanding of my time too much?  What if they were jealous of my husband?  What if they tried to molest my kids?  It just isn't worth dealing with all that.  Fifth reason would be that acting out these responses might cause harm to the other person or their family (if they have one) and I will not do that either.


My knowledge of this physical response to the sexuality of others makes me have a rather wide area of space that I keep people out of;  I don't like hugging men that much even if they are friends. I don't even like hugging women in case there's a sexuality about it.   It is partly because I was molested twice; once as a child and once as a teen.  It is also partly because I fear my own response to the physical contact;  I learned with my first sexual encounter just how strong touch is for me.  I caved so fast the first time anyone touched me in a caring, caressing way that I fear it except with my husband (who I can allow myself to be sexual with) and my kids (who I don't feel sexual with at all, just loving and protective) and my immediate family (Mom, Dad, brother).  Some would say having that fear  is unhealthy;  that I should face it and let myself feel the responses and act on them. I disagree;  I did all that for about three years and though it was very pleasurable, it held no lasting relationships for me and I need close relationships. 


Instead, I see the responses I have as healthy and normal but not something to be indulged just because they exist.  After all, I also LOVE and have great pleasure in eating chocolate but I cannot indulge in that because it causes me unhealthy weight gain and digestive issues. That weight gain affects my family too; I cannot do the things I want to do with them if I am too heavy,  such as hiking and taking walks.  So I don't eat chocolate except under very rare and specific circumstances.  The same could be said of sex;  I love having sex but I only indulge in it within the close, loving relationship I have with my husband  because then it doesn't have the bad consequences for others or myself.


I don't feel guilty about the responses I have either.  My body is a sexual one and very attuned to that;  it is this attunement that makes my relationship with my husband so pleasurable and close.  He and I have talked about our physical sexual responses to others;  neither of us acts on them nor do we make each other feel bad about having them.  That kind of honesty is healthy.

My Twins turn 18

Tomorrow, my twin daughters turn 18.  Though it will be a special day for them, it is also a special day for me and my husband (their father).  These daughters were the culmination of five years of hard, emotionally exhausting, grueling fertility work.  Their conception was a medical miracle and their births were amazing because I just pushed them out, one at a time.  They have been healthy for the most part;  no serious illnesses, debilitations, diseases, or disabilities.  On top of all that, they are beautiful.  But these are not the things I think about as I see them and think of their impending 18th birthday.  

I see all the days and nights that I begged the universe "Please...let me get them to 18 unharmed, undamaged, unmolested."  As that magical 18th birthday approaches, I am astounded that they actually are arriving unharmed, undamaged, unmolested.  To achieve that took everything my husband and I could give and then some.  People made fun of our vigilance, our protectiveness, our forward thinking.  Yet when they were only weeks old, I remember crying in my then therapist's office "Am I too protective?"  He said "No, you are the ever-watchful Mother hawk, wings protectively spread over your babies, your sharp eyes searching, your talons ready to fend off danger, your beak ready to peck away predators."  Thank the universe for his words. 

I don't regret a moment of all that hard work because my daughters are now facing adulthood armed with self assurance, self esteem, confidence, the ability to think for themselves, the knowledge of how much they are loved and cared for securely ensconced within them, cautions engraved upon their hearts.  Other teens look up to them, adults admire them, kids love them and they are smart, practical, careful, yet ready to do and be what they want to do and be. 

Tomorrow I will take out their baby and toddler and childhood pictures and cry over them even as I welcome them into a new relationship with me.  We can now be friends; something I have looked forward to from the first admonition, the first NO I had to say, the first denial of a want they had, the many arguments in which I had the last say because I was the adult.  It will be hard to let them determine their own lives but so worth it because their Dad and I  will ALWAYS be there to love them with no recriminations or judgement.  And unlike our parents, we will not walk away and stop helping them;  we will instead be there when they fall, hold them when they cry, try our best to walk that fine line between helping and taking over.  Unlike our parents, we will give financially sometimes, be a place they can always come to in case and give emotional support in hard times.

Tomorrow I lose two children but I gain two new friends.  I can hardly wait!

Parenting?

Since when is it ok to punish your kids' friends for something your kid did? If your child's friends are expecting to do an activity with your child and you cancel because of something your kid did then the friends pay? When did that become the parenting norm?


Our whole family was invited to dinner at my kids' friend's house today.  We had cleared our day for that and made some dessert in preparation.  I didn't defrost any meat for dinner because of this invitation.  The older three kids were to go over early to watch a movie with their friend but when my husband went to drop them off, the mother met them at the door and said the dinner was cancelled because of an "issue,  a bump in the road"  and she said we could do the dinner at a later date.  My husband drove the kids home and we were very amazed at the whole thing.  Now I had to rethink dinner; we don't have the money to just "buy a pizza"  for things like this.  They were home maybe 20 minutes when the phone rang and the mom asked if we could redo this today.  I was so shocked I asked her "You mean TODAY?"  She said sheepishly "If you still want to."  I am a gracious person and I knew my kids wanted to do this so I said of course we would.  She offered to pick up the kids but I said they had to go to get their glasses because they had chosen to do that when they thought they were not going to visit and dinner.  So my husband got the kids their eyeglasses and then dropped them off. 


I cannot tell the mom how I feel because if I did, it is likely she would not allow her kid to hang with my kids out of her anger with me which would mean that again, MY kids pay. 


What I want to know is this:  why is it ok now for parents to punish other people who have changed their whole day's plans to do an activity with them just because THEIR kid misbehaved? 
My kids have busy lives, their time (as well as mine and my husband's) is valuable; if we have made time for your kids don't assume we are expendable collateral damage in order to correct your kid.  We are NOT.  The whole thing is inexcusable. 


Another friend had said her child could visit my kids from far away but she made it contingent on her child accomplishing some goal.  We were told mixed messages; yes the child was coming but the day before the child was due to arrive, we were told the child had reached the goal so we could expect the visit to happen.   I was horrified because our whole family had cleared our calendar for the entire duration of  this person's  planned visit; what if the child had not met the goal?   How can parents treat others so callously in their efforts to goad their own children into the behavior they desire?  I felt used and my kids did as well. 


Another friend  moved away and her kid is friends with my kids.  My kids begged her to allow her  kid to have a Facebook but the woman said her kid could only have it if she behaved.  So my kids have waited in vain for that kid to get a Facebook account and keep in touch with them. They miss this kid  terribly but the mom just doesn't even think of what it is doing to my kids to use that as a punishment or incentive for good behavior. 


I am not going to apologize for my feelings in this;  you cannot treat other people that way!   Find some other way to punish or motivate your kid but leave me and my family's feelings and time out of it.  If you say your kid is coming or that my kids can come over, then stick to that unless a real emergency comes up like an illness or death in the family or family emergency (accident, someone really needs you, etc.).   To do otherwise is using us and it makes us feel used AND expendable. 


If my kids misbehave and they are supposed to have someone over or go visit their friends, I make it clear that they are only doing the pre-planned activity because it would be unfair to the OTHER person to cancel but that they will have to go without some other desired thing that doesn't involve other people.  Why can't other parents do that?  To me, using others as incentives or punishment teaches their kids that it is just fine to use people and jerk them around that way.  I refuse to teach my kids that other people's lives, time,  and feelings are unimportant.  Perhaps this trend in parenting is evidence as to just how far we have fallen in common human decency in this country.  I hate to think that a whole generation of kids is growing up with these kinds of lessons;  is it any wonder so many people these days think it is OK to treat others so badly? 

The American Dream?

People these days, especially the Tea Party folks, are talking about "taking back our government and the American Dream."  They seem to think that social programs like universal health care will destroy the American Dream.  The problem is, they don't realize that the American Dream has already been eroded beyond their ability to understand it.  The American Dream was always to be able to open your own business, grow it and eventually become wealthy; this was the promise of democratic capitalism.  Little do most people realize that this dream is no longer available to most Americans and it is not because of "too much government"  or "too much regulation"  or "social programs."  It is because the huge and powerful corporation owners and shareholders have skewed the business playing field to benefit them and only them. 


When I was a kid in the 1960's, government regulation meant that big corporations paid 29% of all the taxes in America;  now de-regulation has allowed them to pay between 0% and 5% of all taxes.  Instead, small businesses now pay HIGHER taxes than big corporations. What's more, Big Oil, Big Pharma and many other big companies enjoy government "subsidies"  or better words for these  would be "corporate welfare."  These corporations have so taken over our government that they now get the laws they want and skew things to such a degree that the American dream of owning your own business and growing it into personal wealth has fallen to the wayside.


Small businesses as a group are the largest employers in this country yet they pay the highest taxes of all businesses and are government regulated to death, literally.  More small businesses fail within the first five years than ever before and the owners lose, their employees lose, we ALL lose.    


When will Americans wake up and realize that it isn't Obama, socialism, government regulation, universal healthcare, or big government that is stealing their American Dream; it is the big corporations and they need to be stopped?


Most Americans are too busy fighting about things like gay marriage, abortion and prayer in schools to realize that these polarizing issues were fed to us to divide us so we won't fight to get back the American Dream from the big corporations.  Divide and conquer, make people fearful with TV programs that spout doom and gloom, get people to believe in scarcity and they will fight like hungry wolves over everything.  Keep them busy fighting and tearing each other down;  keep them busy watching denigrating,  competitive television shows  so they don't see how their American Dream has been stolen from them.  Anesthetize them with superfluous and mindless "entertainment"  that dumbs them down and polarizes them. 


How do we stop this corporate robbery?  That's easier than anyone would think.  We the people vote and if we gather together instead of allowing those big media and corporate folks to divide us over polarizing issues, we can rise up and vote out every incumbent in office.  We can notify congress that each newly voted in senator or representative will only get six years to do the jobs we voted them in for;  two to get their feet wet, two to get some work done, and two to wrap things up.  After that, we elect new people and start the six years over again.  We TELL each newly elected congressperson that WE are imposing TERM LIMITS on them and then we STICK TO THAT. We tell them that we impose these term limits so they spend their time getting the work done that WE want them to do instead of pandering to special interests to get re-elected. We tell them that if they still pander to corporate and special interest groups, we will not even give them six years; we will vote them out sooner.   This means WE have to stop being complacent and  take responsibility for keeping track of each newly elected person and  re-elect them to the point that they get six years in and ONLY six years. 


The next thing we can do is STOP SPENDING.  Hop off the consumption conveyor belt and only buy what you absolutely need.  Use recycled things (shop at thrift and used goods stores) swap things (use freecycle online for that) and get good at being careful with what you do have.  Be less wasteful.  If we all stop spending, yes, some more people will be left with no jobs but as we get more self sufficient at growing our own food, recycling and reusing things, living simpler, being frugal, it will hurt us less if we do lose our jobs.
Big corporations will have to hear us because we will rob them by attrition of what they value most; MONEY.  Hit their bottom line and they will finally hear us roar.


If every American stopped wrapping themselves in some polarizing position and started doing this, imagine the changes we could make!
It is time for ALL of us to arise from our stupor of the past decades and work for the government we deserve and  stop the corporate take over via attrition. 

Why is it....

that I cannot just enjoy being the mother of my children like I so want to do?  I long to have carefree days with hours to spend with my kids, exploring life, doing the housekeeping and homemaker stuff that I was able to do before.   When I had my daughters, I had some years of doing all that and I LOVED every minute of it.  Then I had to work at home as an apartment manager and I felt that year I shortchanged myself, my husband and my kids most of all just to keep a roof over our heads. 


Now that I have another young child at home (my son) along with the three now-teenagers daughters, I have to work again because of the economic reality of my husband being laid off.  Instead of working outside the home on someone else's schedule with only a paycheck to show for it, I went back to school to get a degree.  This brings in student loan money and grants to live on and I take online classes in order to be more available to my kids.  Yet just like that year that I was managing apartments, these classes are taking up to 30 hours a week or more of my time.  I am again shortchanging myself, my husband and worst of all, my kids AGAIN. 


I just want to be able to take the time to plan and cook wonderful meals for them instead of always feeling rushed and behind.  I want to enjoy spending time homeschooling my kids instead of feeling like I can only do a little; barely enough to get by.  I want to be a full-time mother and housewife but instead I am forced to be those part -time. 


I know many people will tell me to suck it up and stop complaining but this is my blog and the place where I can vent my innermost feelings.  I have felt called to a career in mothering and housewifely arts just like a priest is called to be a priest or a doctor is called to heal people.  Why can't I be what I am meant to be 100 percent? 


I miss those days of just being Mom and homekeeper.  My kids never get enough of my time now and I miss having that time with them.  My oldest two will be 18 this year.....time waits for no one to get financially stable and kids keep growing no matter what we have to do. 


Being a housewife and mother is such a joy to me that I feel the loss of being  unable to devote myself to it full time. 


I wish my husband could get a teaching job with just enough that I could stop needing the student aid to live on so I could go down to part time classes.  I wish I could quit taking classes altogether.  I love learning but on a slower pace so my kids don't have to live without my time and attention.

Stop the Wheel....

I read a phrase in Robert Anton Wilson's book "Cosmic Trigger."  The phrase was "stop the wheel"  meaning we can stop the wheel of karma.  What he meant by that was despite the things that are done to us, we can "stop the wheel"  and not spread the negativity.  Instead, we have the power to re-shape the way things will happen by what we do.  I took that very literally and from that time on (I was 18 when I read that book)  I stopped the wheel whenever I could. 

For example;  if I was working and my co-worker snapped at me, instead of snapping back at them or snapping at someone else (the "shit rolls downhill"  paradigm)  I would say "Sounds like things are being difficult for you today."  They would stop for a second and then they would tell me the trouble they were having.  I would then  validate them by saying how I was sorry that happened to them and that I hoped their day got better.  It was amazing;  the same person that seconds ago bit my head off and was ready to bite everyone's head off after me was calmed down and went on their way without biting anyone else's head off.  People have told me that means I was being a "doormat"  to the angry person but I saw it as having the power to change their perception and their attitude without pressuring them into that.  I saw it as spreading joy instead of angst, helping them out instead of spreading the anger.  What power we have! 

Every day, we all have moments like that; the sarcastic bank teller, the grumpy waiter, the person in line complaining.  We can choose to allow it to continue by either snapping back or passing it on OR we can have the tremendous power to completely alter things for the better.

I want to be remembered for spreading joy;  being a joy-giver instead of a joy-taker.  My friend, Rachell, coined that name, "joy-giver"  and I like it.  Imagine what would happen if we ALL did that...if we all stopped the wheel of negativity and became joy-givers.  Just do it.

My son

turned eight yesterday.  We festooned the house with green streamers, green balloons, green shamrocks and green paper chains because his favorite color is green and St. Pat's day is coming up.  He had his favorite dinner: cheese raviolis with alfredo sauce and corn.  Then he opened his presents, most of which came from thrift stores;  we love recycling like that.  He was thrilled with his stuff.  We had cake and sherbet and laughed and hugged and had a wonderful family evening. 

I love this little boy; the only boy I have.  I had to use fertilty medications and intrauterine insemination with my husband's sperm;   I had to do that with for the twin girls I had and then again to get their sister.  My third girl  was born four days before my 35th birthday and I felt I should be done because my doctor told me that after 35, risks to the baby rise significantly and after 40 they rise yet again. 

Imagine this:  I was 41 and on the pill to regulate me, not for birth control.  I began having irregular cycles so I went off the pill because I knew I couldn't get pregnant.  As usual, my cycles began to get longer and longer once off the pill.  By mid June 2001, I was uncharacteristically desirous and my husband and I had one week of crazy, amazing sex.  One night stood out as being a very intense night for both of us.  It was the night of the summer solstice that also had a solar eclipse in Cancer.  It turns out, I got pregnant with my son that night.  This was a miracle because I was certified infertile and had needed strong drugs to induce ovulation to get my daughters; it had taken five years to get pregnant the first time with my twin daughters and the same procedure for my third girl so getting pregnant on my own without even trying was an amazing miracle. 

Miracle or not, when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified.  I was over 40, I had these fears that my baby would be born with all sorts of defects and I could not bear the thought of seeing my child suffer.  I didn't think I was emotionally strong enough to deal with that.  My specialist doctor calmed me and reminded me that I had not led a lifestyle that would have caused problems with my eggs (no heavy drinking or drug use nor exposure to radiation or chemical landfills, etc).  Everyone was saying it was a boy but my history with my little brother made me afraid to have a boy;  what if I had a boy and he turned against me when he was older like my little brother did?  It turned out that my son was the healthiest 9 lb baby.  He had no ear infections and needed  no antibiotics until he was seven years old.  He is perfectly healthy, sweet, funny, and has a fantastically smart wit.  I love him to pieces. 

I am so blessed in my children. 

A little more.

I was the second child and only girl in my family until I was twelve; my little brother was born then.  I was born in Chicago to my Army dad and my stay-at-home mom (it was 1960) and I had an older brother.  When I was three we moved to Germany for about  three years.  Those were wonderful years filled with castles, fairy tales, ballet lessons, pink and white tutus, satin toe shoes, flowers and flower boxes, feather bedding, trips to amazingly beautiful places and saturation in the European cultures of Germany, France and the Netherlands. 
I was six when we came back to America.  The return devastated me.  We were stationed in Aurora, Colorado.  America was dirty, littered, ugly;  no fairytale black forest or castles, no beautiful art and architecture, just hick cowboys.  I hated my own country.  No one ever knew how I felt and I had no way of articulating my feelings then.

Soon after, my parents divorced;  I was only seven years old.  Their divorce was a shattering experience for my brother and I and he dealt with it by abusing me verbally and physically.  We moved several times and my brother and I were left alone a lot while our Mom worked. 

When I was in second grade, my Dad came to visit for Christmas.  My brother and I were outside playing and I came in to use the bathroom only to see my mom flat on her back, my dad straddling her and beating her.  I remember screaming and my brother came in with his new bow and arrow set in his hands;  he nocked the arrow and told Dad to get off our Mother or he would kill him.  Dad got off but Mom was black  and blue in the face. 

A few days later, we moved away from Colorado;  my mom drove us three to her bachelor brother's house in Pennsylvania.  A few days after we got there and she got us enrolled in school, she left and went back to Denver; leaving us alone with an uncle we barely knew.  His first nanny was mean but the second one was nice.  I remember crying myself to sleep at night a lot.  My big uncle, (he was well over six feet tall) would rock me in the rocking chair, hold me close and call me his little old bag because I wore some old grown up dresses he had in his basement.  Even though my brother was meaner than ever to me, I clung to him like a lifeline because by then, I felt I had lost my father and my mother;  my brother was barely ten years old.  My mother was only gone two months but it felt like a year to me. While I was there, my maternal grandmother got my hair cut on my birthday; it was so short it was like a boy and I  cried because my curly dark brown hair was gone. 

My mother came and got us and took us back to Denver where we met her new boyfriend.  He was an African American and we lived in a hotel for the summer months.  We moved to a house for the start of the school year and when I was nine, my mother married her African American boyfriend.  He resented my brother and I because he really just wanted Mom to himself.  That same year, my mom told me she didn't trust my dad around me so that was why we only saw him in the summer for a month at his mother's house.  From then on, I was afraid to love my father. 

We moved in the middle of the night because my step dad couldn't make enough money to pay the rent and we were running from unpaid rent.  The new home we rented was in a neighborhood with mostly Black people.  My brother was beaten up by some of the Black kids there;  they used the tips of fishing rods to beat him which left welts on his back.  He had been a gentle (except to me) person all his life, more the studious type.  In that house, my brother and I were awakened in the middle of the night after my mom and stepdad had had a huge, screaming fight.  My stepdad said he was taking mom to the emergency room because she tried to kill herself.  I think I was ten years old. My brother and I clung to her the next day as she lay in bed, depressed.  We were both afraid to leave her alone lest she try again.

We moved from that house to another in a different neighborhood.  By this time, I was in fifth grade and looking big and chunky so kids were teasing me about being fat on a daily basis.  My Mom got pregnant while my brother and I were on our annual summer month-long  visit to our dad and fraternal grandmother's place.  Those visits were filled with carefree summer days with our dad and lots of religious holy roller stuff.

When I was told that my mom was pregnant, I didn't feel anything but resentment.  Her pregnancy was difficult so I was made, as the only girl, to do most of the hosuework, all of the laundry and run and fetch for my mother every day.  My baby brother was born at the end of May so I spent my summer vacation getting up at 7 AM every morning to make my mom breakfast because no one else would do it.  I was left with the baby every time the family went anywhere and I had to change his diapers, rinse them out in the toilet, wash, hang out, take down, fold them and put them away.   My older brother just got to play with our baby brother so he liked him. 

My mom kicked out our stepdad when the baby was about 4 or 5 months old.  Later, after Christmas, my older brother went to live with our Dad and my Mom, baby brother and I moved to inner city Denver.  I was alone in a public bathroom in Denver when I was molested by a young man who felt me up, forced a kiss on me, touched my breasts and threatened to hurt me. He was pressed up against me, full length and my back was against the wall.    I was lucky that I got away before anything worse happened but that shook me to the core.  I was five feet seven inches tall, a BIG girl and up until then, feeling perfectly capable of taking care of myself but that confidence was destroyed in those few minutes against that wall in that bathroom.  I  was attending yet another school.

The summer I was 13, my mother decided to divorce my stepdad and let me move in with my dad, too.  I loved living on base with my Dad because it meant stability.  I was still wary of my Dad, though he never did try to do anything sexual to me.  Military bases are such microcosms where everyone knows what you are going through so they are just more cohesive and accepting to some degree.  It is like living in a small town.   On my 14th brithday, my parents remarried.  I was fairly content then.  I loved my little brother by then and felt like I was his second mother. 

when I was 15, my dad got orders to go to Okinawa so we packed up and moved there for a year.  That was so much fun!  I loved living there and seeing the Japanese culture, people, architecture, music, food and so on.  Though I was still fat and  introverted, I was enjoying the church youth group and the camping trips we made. 

We moved to Lawton, OK after that year in Okinawa.  After I turned sixteen , my brother went to live with our fraternal grandmother and I loved being out from under his overbearing influence.  When we got on-base housing and it would mean switching schools (which would have been my 15th school in 11 years)  my parents took me out instead and allowed me to work as a child care worker for the post chapels.  I earned money but most of all, I was allowed to study anything I wanted.  I came home with stacks of books on ancient civilizations, religions, anthropology, psychology and history.  My brother came back to live with us and then, after being there for a year, my Dad prepared to retire in Tucson. 

My whole life, throughout all this, I was aware that I seemed to have intuition though I didn't know what it was called back then.  I would lie on the ground, spread eagled, on a rainy day and feel the rain fall on me.  I felt like  I was one with the earth, as though the rain soaked into me and then into the ground.  The wind caressed my face and lifted my hair during storms and I loved the electric feeling of storms.  I always felt like an old soul and like someone that knew things that I could never describe to anyone else.  I seemed to know what people were feeling or when they were lying.  In Fort Sill, when I was 16, I would light a small flame in my room, chant some words, face the west window (I had three windows in my room then), feel the energy rise up in me until my fingertips tingled and I fairly burst with it.  I wanted to let it out with a primal scream but on-base curfew being what it was I could not so it was a wordless and silent scream.  I felt things so much and I could not tell anyone because my family were predominantly air signs who lived in their heads and were not familiar with intuition; they often belittled me for it.  I felt like I was different from my family and most people. 

We moved to Tucson and I was 18; I took my GED and passed and read everything I could get my hands on about astrology, Paganism, tarot cards, and Robert Wilson's book "Cosmic Trigger."  This book was about thinking about what you think about and being aware.   

I was a sheltered but aware virgin, taught to think for myself and to think out of the box.  I was very innocent and unprepared for life;  I knew all the facts and correct info about sex and procreation and a lot about politics and how people really think and act but I was ignorant of relationships for the most part.  I was intensely curious about sex and relationships after reading so many romance novels (including the smutty ones) but was afraid; I felt that men couldn't be trusted.  Even my brother was messed up.   I overheard him tell my mother (through the AC vent between our rooms) that he thought I "wanted him"  sexually.  I was sick to my stomach.  I didn't like my mother, I was estranged from my father though I lived in the same house with him, and now my older brother, who I looked up to, was getting sexual thoughts about  me.  I didn't belong to any of them and my little brother was too young for me to relate to much.    I wanted to get out and away from this sick family.  I was looking for love and acceptance.   Within a year, I would travel and my life would change drastically. 




But that is for another post.

It is amazing....

how out of nowhere someone I have never even met can write some words on a screen and I feel like a hand has touched mine in comfort.  I mean I don't really know this person yet he reached out and gave me some wonderful and simple advice.  He wrote that my focus is my reality.  Yep, it is that simple.  I am focusing on the negatives again and it is not good for me.  This guy, like a psychic, quietly and almost apologetically e-mailed me personally to lift me up with words of comfort.  He said I am not alone...which made me cry because that is exactly what I have  been feeling lately since Rachell left.  I am not alone.  My family are not alone.  No matter what happens, I can focus on the good things and I am not alone.  I wish I could hug this guy in real life and tell him just how much those few moments out of his life that he took to write those words made such a difference to me.  I am not used to being the recipient of care;  it is usually me that gives to others yet when I need it the most, it comes to me, softly and unexpectedly. 

Thanks, Len, wherever you are.  You have the most perfect timing and gentle touch.

I don't get it.....

I was doing pretty well Friday through yesterday.  Today, I took my son to the art class he now has with the homeschool group. The room was this depressing little room in the back of a scrapbooking store.  The ladies there were ones I have known before but I felt out of synch and out of sorts.  I can't put my finger on it but I just felt like I was alone again.  Even my remaining friend seemed odd Friday.  She told me all her troubles but when I mentioned mine, she seemed to withdraw a bit. I think it is because she is overwhelmed right now.   It was weird because it was just her and I and Preston at the park...I miss the company of the others.  I am feeling isolated and I didn't used to mind it so much.  It is hard to describe this feeling.  It is as though I was part of this community, part of this group, and now that my friend has left, I am not?  I just don't get it.  Why is it bothering me so much to be moving back to existing with  "just the family"  like I was before last year's foray into the group activity stuff? 

I feel like I can't make connections anymore because I think we will be moving away and things have changed here so much.  I was thinking about that yesterday;  we can't sled on the  practice field anymore.  The aquaplex pool is saying no more shirts in the pool suddenly.  The train horns stopped.  People seem to be withdrawing and not as friendly anymore to me.  I was this happy, expansive person with a lot of energy and now I feel like a deflated balloon.  My son is crying more often, the kids are sniping at each other more, I feel lethargic and not wanting to do school or lessons with Preston.  I have good days but then I have a day like today  where all I wanted to  do is go outside somewhere and cry.  I think this limbo about not knowing where we will end up living is getting to all of us, as though we are all just marking time until we know what we are doing.  It is like the contentment I had about being here  has gone and I don't know how to get it back. 

I feel bad, too because I have not been the best homeschool Mom.  I feel like I am not teaching my kids enough and it mostly stems from the lack of time I have because of these time-eating college classes.  I am thankful it is not a job that I have to go to on someone else's time but it still eats up way too much of my time.  I never seem to be able to have the time I wanted to have with my kids.  Two of them will be 18 this year and I feel like that time went past too fast. 

Burn out

I have been doing online college courses for almost four years now.  What I have learned is not exactly what the college instructors have been teaching.  I have learned that higher education is about "outputs."  Yes, you too may get that coveted piece of paper if you do enough "outputs"  in the way the instructors want you to.  For a lot of money,  I have not learned near enough to feel I am getting my money's worth.  It is an awful testament to our American higher education system that I feel such burn out from the course loads I have. 

My mother was amazed when I told her I already have 64 credits but no bachelor's degree.  In her day, an AA was 32 credits and a  bachelor's was 64 credits.  In this country, it is about having a dumbed down workforce.  If higher education requires twice the number of credits as before, it costs way more as well.  These higher costs mean less people will finish college.  This country wants a dumbed down workforce.

Think about it, the best jobs have gone overseas or have been given to the cheaper foreign workers.  Americans are out of work and there are no jobs.  If corporations dumb down American kids and their parents, eventually people will be so desperate for work that they will do ANYTHING for a job to bring some money in, even if it is a pittance of what they once had.  These companies are seeing that China and other countries are poised to become the biggest consumers (imagine: a billion-person market) so to get these folks what they want, make Americans dumbed down, take on illegal immigrants and work them both to death for low wages.  Treat everyone in this country like indentured servants that will work for little and crank out the most.  After all, we Americans have been trained to be more productive than just about any other country.  We do the work of  three and four people and get paid for one person or less.

This is the way things are going.  Keep us dumbed down, divided over stupid issues like abortion or gay marriage and keep us poorer and poorer so we don't rise up and demand that something gets done.  If we are dumb enough and worked hard enough, we will be burned out and unable to fight back anymore. 

It used to be that working hard and having an education was the path to a better life.  Not anymore.   

Monogamy?

I have heard some say that monogamy must always be an imbalanced relationship where people deny themselves their real selves for games and power plays. Or that if one is monogamous; they are somehow denying some part of themselves. Here’s why for some these things are just not so.

Though I slept around a lot in my twenties, whenever I had a relationship with someone, I stopped wanting anyone else. This was not because of my partner’s jealousy or possessiveness or out of some sort of feeling that I owed him that; it stemmed from the fact that sleeping around and feeling deep attachment and love for a person are very different things for me. This is not to imply that poly people are that way because they just want to sleep around; it has to do with the nature of relating. When sleeping around, my feelings were not that involved; that’s not to say I didn’t have a deep empathic and compassionate intimacy with the men I slept with because I did. It means I didn’t have that very intricate connection that happens whenever I am in a love relationship with someone.

Love relationships have so much more depth and complexity than the sleeping around relationships do; this is why I am monogamous. I feel that I am not wired for more than one complex, sexual, love relationship at a time. I am sure that some people are wired for that but I am just not one of them. The idea of having to deal with a deep and elaborate relationship with more than one person sounds like more work than I want to deal with. Now that I have children, I have different relationships with them but these are also complex and require a lot of emotional and mental work on my part; I don’t have any more room in me for adding another person with their needs, wants, quirks, and all the compromise and emotional work that would take. Deep loving relationships are complicated at times and I have to say it; I just don’t want to be more involved than I already am  in the one intimate relationship. It is taking a lifetime to understand myself and my husband and that’s enough for me. It is as simple as some people prefer chocolate and some prefer vanilla.

So next time a poly oriented person comes across someone like me that prefers being monogamous, I hope they understand that it isn’t about game playing, subjugation, suppression of our desires or anything like that. A lot of monogamous people just don’t want to do the work it takes to relate to more than one person at a time. We have enough complexity in our lives and prefer dealing with only one person.

Term limits

You know, congress is broken.  Because of the elections, congress spends more time trying to get elected than they do actually doing the job we elect them for.  We all know it and yet we don't know what to DO about it.  I have a suggestion.  If every American would stop being too wrapped up in the divisive stuff thrown at us to distract us and started thinking, we could make some HUGE changes.

 Imagine an America where EVERY eligible voter voted in every election and kept track of who was in congress and for how long. You know, keep a manila file in your important papers file and every time there is an election, we all would go through the candidates and see who has served for six years.   Imagine the American people deliberately voting out congress persons when they have served six years.  That's right, six years unless the congressperson does something so egregious they have to be voted out sooner.  Imagine the American people TELLING congress that they were doing that.  Something tells me campaign finance would be a bit different and congresspersons would be busier working for us than trying to get elected because eventually, they would realize that WE THE PEOPLE have imposed term limits;  six years  for each one of them.  Two years to get their feet wet, two years to hit their stride, and two years to finish up.  After that, they are OUT; time for new blood. No more career politicians and good ol'e boy networks; they know they only have six years to get it right AND they would finally suddenly grow some muscles and make the hard decisions because they would NOT be worrying about getting re-elected or pandering to PACs or lobbyists.  If we did that long enough, congress would eventually just vote for term limits and be done with it. 

What an America THAT would be. 

A snapshot moment of discovery

I said I would write a bit about my life.  This is because everyone I know seems to tell me "you should write your life story."  So here is an exerpt of the day after my "first time"  with a 17 year old Palestinian in Jerusalem, Israel/Palestine:

Awakened by a knock at my door, I called “Just a minute.“ I dashed to the bathroom. His smell was on me;  the scent of his leavings mingled with my own was new to me. I looked into the mirror as I washed my hands, searching my face to see if somehow the night’s revelry would show. I looked the same. That was a surprise; I expected to look different. I had done something so deeply primal in my complete submission to him that I felt the profound change within should be mirrored without. 



Every nerve ending on my body was sensitive now. I combed my hair and put on my robe. When I opened the door, he was standing there;  his dark curly hair still wet and his beautiful eyes still merry. “Good morning, love,” he said, and kissed me on the lips, his tongue probing with familiarity and  his hand on my breast. My heart fell so hard; I could feel it, like a stone in my breast that flopped to my stomach. We broke apart. “Come in,” I said, shakily.  He had the longest, darkest eyelashes I had ever seen.  His dimpled smile was radiant and devastating.


“Do you want some tea?” he asked, as we sat on the bed, facing each other.


“No, I am not hungry just now.” I sounded stupid. I was shy, and didn’t know what to say. Facing him in the light of day was different, and difficult. I was embarrassed about my boldness of the night before. Would he think badly of me?


“What’s wrong in you?” he asked, sensing my reticence. He was touching my cheek gently. I looked into his beautiful huge brown eyes. I was gone, then. I could feel my soul falling, falling to a place it had wanted all my life but had never been. I could feel so much.

I was sure that it was not the same for him. I felt so vulnerable, foolish, small, and embarrassed all at once. Worst of all, having had him; the need was not gone............it was deeper, stronger, more intense as though every nerve and cell in my body cried out for his. I felt chained to him, invisible chains from my heart and body, even my soul. Yet I was sure he didn’t feel the same.



“Come, Cassandra,” he said. “Get dressed; you can come with me today.” His tone was gentle, sweet, laughing.  My name was a caress from his lips.


“Ok, but you have to wait outside, I have to shower and dress.”


“Why? I have seen you, touched you.” Amusement showed on his face. What was for me a shattering experience seemed to sit lightly with him. He didn’t seem as moved at all.


“Because I am not ready to shower and dress in front of you. It was dark last night. I can’t, .....I can’t...” I stopped and dropped my eyes.



He got up and with a smile went out. His eyes as he left told me he somehow understood. I felt weird. Here I was, so much more sophisticated than he, well traveled, a year older, and yet I felt like an untried girl around him. I got up, showered and dressed. I cried, hot tears burning my face, washed away with cool water. Somehow, I would not let my fears overwhelm me. I couldn’t think with his touch still so fresh on me.


We spent the day together, talking, laughing kissing. We shared an orange, he taking a slice in his mouth and then passing it to mine with a kiss. We were so young. I felt like lovers, newly in love and shut out my rational mind completely. I felt like we had a secret, shared only between us. Succumbing to the feelings of the moment, I rode a wave of happiness I had never felt before. He loves me! Even after! I was astounded, humbled, warm, validated. I felt young, innocent still, and so in love. I wanted to go anywhere with him, be his forever, live in his pocket, and know his thoughts. I wanted to be his posession, his slave even.  All those rationalizations of before melted away;  I was finally allowed to just feel and feel and feel and be. I could allow my passion and deep feelings full rein at last, without them being trivialized or feared. This was serious and sharp, an unbearable sweetness. I deliberately blocked out the fact that I would have to leave in a few days.


That night, he took me to Jaffa gate, in the dark. He sat me on a bench some way from the gate and bent to kiss me. It was a long, passionate kiss, stirring us both. He placed my hand on the bulge of his pants.


“You make me want you,” he whispered against my lips.

My hand felt the heat of him, the hardness of him and I wanted to lie back right there and open my legs right then under the moonlight by the old stone walls of Jerusalem.

On Women, sex and domination

It would seem that women can never get it right, no matter what they do. In so many societies they have to become men to be marginally accepted; being female and doing typically female things is devalued and denigrated. Starhawk, the witch, had a lot to say about that and how women themselves must stop valuing the male/competitive model as though it is the default model.

The female model of power is not as competitive; it is more community-building, immanent, generative, and facilitative. Yet societies fear our abilities. Starhawk posited that this came from the fact that we always know who our children are but men can never be totally sure without a paternity test. As simplistic as this sounds, it is a thing that underscores a lot of the male domination of female power in the world. Or as my husband once put it, every hetero man fears the hold pussy has over him; every man fears squandering his resources for another man’s genes. Women are pickier than men about their sexual partners (due to the huge physical consequences of pregnancy that women may have when they DO have sex) and as such, men must compete.

Though it seems silly to pin all this on reproduction, sex is so tied to that in subconscious ways and sex is the biggest drive we have. In my women’s studies class we learned how in every society, women’s reproductive abilities are regulated, bound, and restricted to be in favor of male desires to further their genes. Girls are fine until puberty, and then all the societal restrictions set in. After menopause, women become free again. This was true even in antiquity and is still true in modern societies as well as primitive ones.

Sacrifice rituals in antiquity are tied to males seeing that women could bleed and not die and women gave life in blood so shedding blood = life became a reason for blood sacrifice. The whole Christian religion is based on that blood sacrifice = life ideology as are many other religious practices in the past. That power women have is so dangerous that societies now and in the past have made women’s blood either sacred or taboo, something to be feared and women to be reviled. In short, we are hated for our ability to give life and for the certainty that that life carries OUR genetic material. Every aspect of female subjugation can be traced back to these things.

How can humanity change things when the very physical differences between the sexes are what drive the male dominance issue? The uncertainty of paternity will always be there; what can people do to stop regulating women and also allow men some certainty in their support of their own genetic offspring?

The Iroquois had a great way of living that dealt with this issue. Men and women had sex but the men lived in their mother’s longhouses. They could visit their female sexual partners, but it was the uncles that acted as fathers to any offspring. These arrangements meant that the resources from men were not directly tied to supporting their own genetic offspring. Instead, they supported their sister’s offspring or their mother’s younger offspring. That way Iroquois males supported those that had genetic ties to them but not their direct genetic offspring. This gave all parties a lot better life and women had freedoms during their reproductive years without having to deal with male domination. Women always knew any pregnancy would result in a child that was well fed, housed, and cared for by her brothers and the mother-clan of the long house so they were less choosy about who they had sex with (partners didn’t have to be the strongest or wealthiest). This gave the men more available women to have sex with and sexual frustration and competition were not as much of an issue. Iroquois women also owned all the land and the food sources so males could not go to war without female approval or they would starve during the war. This gave women the power to prevent the unnecessary loss of their children’s lives in wars they disagreed with. This shared power model of the Iroquois worked and had a part in the shared powers ideology we see in our current Constitution.

The year of the ranting cow...or being in a Taurus year

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It just hit me.  My astrology teacher told me that for every year of our lives, we live a sign.  So from birth to one year, we are living like an Aries.  From one year old to two, we are living like a Taurus and so on.  The years recycle through the signs every 12 years.  It all makes sense now!  I was 49 last year....I was in an Aries year.  No wonder I was so full of energy and fire and go-get-em-ness!  I had TONS of energy and inspiration!  I felt on top of the world!  Here I am world!   Then, like a hole in a balloon, I turned 50 last month and moved to a Taurus year.  Pffffffffffft.  What a difference!

Now I am this lazy fat-assed cow ::::looking down at my fat butt::::   laying back in a green pasture and thinking :::in a plaintive voice:::: "I don't want to leave.  I don't want to move. I am tired.  I want to just lay here and munch grass.  This is MY grass...I want REAL grass not that nasty BOXED grass.  Why do I have to DO anything?"  ::::munch....munch....munch...fart::::::

That is why I don't have my usual energy.  Damn!  I have to deal with this for a whole YEAR???  :::looking around for a nice comfy place to rest:::::    

Oh I know...astrology is not destiny and all that blah-blah-blah stuff but the truth is, this stuff really does seem to fit me year to year.  The thing is, I am an odd number of years younger than my husband so when I am in a "tired" year he is in an energetic one and vice versa.  Well, this cow has to get her fat ass to bed.  Tomorrow I have to shop for groceries, aka "cow food."   ::::comedy font off:::::

About community-making....

My friend the Atheist and I were talking the other day about community-making.  We both have been very puzzled about something.  Why is it that religious people seem to be able to form such close community groups but people that are secular and/or  spiritual can't?  The local homeschool group we belong to is secular so the people in it are getting together just for the homeschooling yet they resisted forming a lending library amongst themselves, hardly show up to events that members schedule and just seem to avoid any sense of community altogether. We live in difficult times and my friend and I have realized just how much community means to us but we cannot seem to find others that feel the same.  Our society has become so extremely individualized and polarized that people just don't seem to want to get together....unless they follow some religion.  Do we have to accept "the package"  of some religion in order to get community, even if it means not being true to ourselves and our belief or non-belief?

 Last December, I was appointed to the job  of arranging the  group charity in which we "adopt" a needy family and donate food, paper and soap goods, clothing, money and gifts for the family.  My friend and I hoped we could make this a real fun community event.  Out of 62 families on our group e-mail list, nine responded and we raised a lot of food, paper stuff, money, and gave a lot of gifts for the family.  I scheduled a meeting place for free with three hours for wrapping the gifts and socializing.  One of the leaders of our group even said "Oh good, I love a party, lets bring food and drinks and celebrate after we wrap the gifts."   Yet when we all got there, they couldn't wrap the gifts fast enough and then left right after it was done.  There was still over and hour left that we had for the meeting space and everyone was gone but my friend and I.  Even the leader that had seemed so happy about the "party"  element of the wrapping left early.

My friend's neighbor is religious and has such a community feeling about her.  It is really sad that in order to get some community you have to convert to a religion and join their church or synagogue or whatever in order to belong to a community.  Why can't atheists and just plain spiritual people not get together for purposes of community without a religious belief cementing them together?  Why isn't just being a community of friends enough?  My friend and I tried to build a community around secular homeschooling ....we really did but for some reason, it just didn't happen.  What a shame because now, we are all going to need each other more than ever; especially those that are not religiously affiliated. 

Friends and making community.

I am losing a friend this week.  We will still be friends but she is moving away.  I know, there's Facebook and e-mail but it isn't the same.  This wonderful friend was one of the very few I could be my intelligent self with.  She is intelligent too so we could talk fast and furious about so many deep things.  We cared about each other, too.  She and I tried so hard to get the non-religious homeschool families to form a caring, cooperative community but no one seemed to want to.  We tried for a year.  We only met, she and I, a  bit over a year ago via e-mail when she inquired about the local homeschool groups and I sent her a huge bunch of e-mails telling all about my city, my state, the things to do here, the groups here, the ins and outs of this area and the feel of it.  I even helped her find a house to rent in a good neighborhood; all before we even met. When we did meet, we were just nice and polite and friendly but as she said things and I said things, we both realized that we were both intelligent women that have been mistreated for that intelligence.  She came here with her family because they were going to see if they wanted to move here but as things turned out, they couldn't afford to stay because their house back east wouldn't sell and her husband's company was bought out by another so his job is a bit precarious now.  He is also intelligent and soft spoken, a kind man that loves his smart wife and their kids and animals.  He and my husband got along too. 

I feel bereft because even though she sometimes seemed to want more time from me than I had to give because of my full time college classes,  I still love her kindness, her optimism, her positive outlook, her openmindedness and her compassion.  It is hard to believe we have only been friends for a year.  She is like the sister I never had;  fun, loving, serious,  I can talk to her, she drives me crazy sometimes because we are different but we love each other.  I have never had a friend like that in my life...until now.  I have two friends like that now but she is the one that shares my political, spiritual and social views.  Her name is Rachell and I do miss her so much. 

Her leaving is just one of a chain of events that has happened since last fall that has me feeling sad.  Some homeschool friends put their kids into public school which means we won't see them anymore at the weekly P E days I organized.  The city has stopped the trains that come through from blowing their horns anymore;  I will miss that sound so much.  My friend is moving  away.  The school district won't be hiring so even though my husband is finishing his MEd with certification student teaching this semester, we will probably have to move away for a job.  We have lived here for 12 years...the longest I have  ever lived anywhere in my life and it feels like home.

I miss my friend and it hurts to know she is far away.

Stop Corporate America's Greed

How many of us have written or called our congresspersons and tried to get them to see that we must have a public option or universal health care?  How many of us have picketed, marched, written articles to newspapers, written media outlets, passed out pamphlets, carried signs, pasted on bumperstickers, written President Obama and congress to stop the war, give us universal health care,  regulate corporations and the banking industry...all to no avail?    Do you feel like nothing we do makes any headway with those in power in Washington?  Even voting doesn't seem to work anymore; our own party members have turned against us.

I am here to tell you there is something you CAN do and it won't cost you a dime.  STOP spending.  That's right, stop buying stuff, stop spending money.  Barter, buy used at thrift stores and yard sales, make do, live without, grow food in a community garden, help your neighbors, use freecycle, live with family or let them live with you and pool your resources, dry your clothes on a line, use less electricity, drive less. Take all your money out of the bank and put it in a credit union or even in a safe in your home.   If we stop consuming and take our money back, we can bring corporate America and the banks to their knees.  It will be painful at first because more jobs will be lost but the more we help each other, the more simply we live, the less those lost jobs will impact us.  We CAN affect change through attrition.  Cut corporate America and the banks off where it counts...in their bottom line, their PROFITS.  Make NO loans, buy nothing for Christmas, have Buy-Nothing birthday parties at home with friends,  make it a contest to see how much you can get for free or at used places.   Have neighborhood  freecycle parties where you don't buy anything to have the party, you all can walk to it, and you get to know your neighbors. 

After all, as we get used to living with less and make human connections and support networks, the less we have the less they can harm us because we will have the most important thing of all, each other and our dignity. 

Do it now.  Stop buying, stop consuming.  If it isn't a necessity, don't buy it.  There's power in attrition.  We can be the "mouse that roars."