I am listening to Eric Whitacre's Virtual Chior singing "Lux Aurumque:"
http://www.youtubeloop.com/v/D7o7BrlbaDs#s=23&e=274
This music makes me go inward. All day I have been contemplative as I carefully tend my injured daughter. She accidently got hit in the head by the steel supporting bar of our free-standing hammock. The concussion headaches have been debilitating but the CT scan and doctors (two doctors) have said she will be ok. Yet her headaches and pain persist a week after. She is used to being so active and now she is supposed to do nothing, even when she feels good. My beautiful daughter....I would take the pain away if I could. So I touch her gently with my hands, rub her neck, hold her, give her love.
This choir brings back my childhood feelings of reverence for the earth, the trees, the sky, the candlelight. Today, I rested and soaked up the peacefulness of the outside in my back yard. The trees are greening, the clouds were that perfect puffy whiteness and the sky that intense blue. The aspen leaves fluttered in the breeze with their yellow-green leaves. The pine trees sighed and the earth slowly awakens to the coming summer. I am tired today because I have too long been on a crazy treadmill that is school. The days are getting longer now, the light stays later too. This day was a day of mental and emotional rest for me. The bell-toned chimes sang to me sweetly. The wooden chimes transported me to a far away place. I sat most of the day in the porch swing, gently swinging like a rocking chair. Life is good...for the most part. I remembered things past today too.
Yet for some reason, I feel bereft and out of touch. I feel alone, adrift on a sea of feelings too deep to explain. Sometimes having so few friends with whom I can really be myself is lonely. No one to share these feelings with or touch. I suppose if my husband were here, I would feel better but he is not back yet from visiting his family. My heart feels the darkness, the deep night sky, the stars and the stillness of the night. I remember looking up at those same stars in a black night many years ago as the taxi drove to Jerusalem. Life had barely begun for me then....what things were to come. I had a sense of mystery and quiet that night and I have it now. I remember feeling a sense of something I could not explain then. I was only 18 and at the threshold of my life. Now I am 51 and at a different threshold. All those intense feelings have not gone; they have just been hiding all these years only to come out sometimes and torment me for a time until I cannot bear it. When I can no longer handle them, I pack them away in order to go on and do the daily work of living. Yet they are always there, beneath that veneer of happy, busy, brightness that is my self. Is there anyone who I can share them with? Anyone who will understand where I go? Can no one follow me to the realm of unspeakable and intense, deep, passionate feeling laced with mystery?
All my life I have reached out to touch people with my words, my hands, my giving. It is what makes me feel alive. Only sometimes I need the same in return. Only sometimes.....
http://www.youtubeloop.com/v/D7o7BrlbaDs#s=23&e=274
This music makes me go inward. All day I have been contemplative as I carefully tend my injured daughter. She accidently got hit in the head by the steel supporting bar of our free-standing hammock. The concussion headaches have been debilitating but the CT scan and doctors (two doctors) have said she will be ok. Yet her headaches and pain persist a week after. She is used to being so active and now she is supposed to do nothing, even when she feels good. My beautiful daughter....I would take the pain away if I could. So I touch her gently with my hands, rub her neck, hold her, give her love.
This choir brings back my childhood feelings of reverence for the earth, the trees, the sky, the candlelight. Today, I rested and soaked up the peacefulness of the outside in my back yard. The trees are greening, the clouds were that perfect puffy whiteness and the sky that intense blue. The aspen leaves fluttered in the breeze with their yellow-green leaves. The pine trees sighed and the earth slowly awakens to the coming summer. I am tired today because I have too long been on a crazy treadmill that is school. The days are getting longer now, the light stays later too. This day was a day of mental and emotional rest for me. The bell-toned chimes sang to me sweetly. The wooden chimes transported me to a far away place. I sat most of the day in the porch swing, gently swinging like a rocking chair. Life is good...for the most part. I remembered things past today too.
Yet for some reason, I feel bereft and out of touch. I feel alone, adrift on a sea of feelings too deep to explain. Sometimes having so few friends with whom I can really be myself is lonely. No one to share these feelings with or touch. I suppose if my husband were here, I would feel better but he is not back yet from visiting his family. My heart feels the darkness, the deep night sky, the stars and the stillness of the night. I remember looking up at those same stars in a black night many years ago as the taxi drove to Jerusalem. Life had barely begun for me then....what things were to come. I had a sense of mystery and quiet that night and I have it now. I remember feeling a sense of something I could not explain then. I was only 18 and at the threshold of my life. Now I am 51 and at a different threshold. All those intense feelings have not gone; they have just been hiding all these years only to come out sometimes and torment me for a time until I cannot bear it. When I can no longer handle them, I pack them away in order to go on and do the daily work of living. Yet they are always there, beneath that veneer of happy, busy, brightness that is my self. Is there anyone who I can share them with? Anyone who will understand where I go? Can no one follow me to the realm of unspeakable and intense, deep, passionate feeling laced with mystery?
All my life I have reached out to touch people with my words, my hands, my giving. It is what makes me feel alive. Only sometimes I need the same in return. Only sometimes.....
