Thursday, December 16, 2010

The softly falling snow....

brought the cloudy morning light.  It is almost Solstice.  As I watched the light grow today and the snow falling, I listened to old choirs singing old Christmas songs and I remembered.

I remembered the wonderful feeling of Christmas in Germany with the snow thick on the ground, the forests standing silently in the cold, the castles simply decorated with boughs of greenery and red ribbons.  The peacefulness of those Christmases is in my heart amidst the garish displays of my own country's conspicuous consumption glitzy idea of Chrtistmas. 

I remembered that one and only Christmas where I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my cousins.  The giggling the night before and the snow on the ground resonated deep within me.  The infectious excitement of the season and sharing that excitement with other children my own age was intoxicating.  We ran down the noisy wooden stairs at the crack of light Christmas morning to open presents.  The snow lay beyond the wrap-around porch and the parents came down sleepy-eyed and smiling.  I remember playing in the snow later that day and having the time of my life.  I never stayed with those cousins again until my other Uncle's funeral when I was 16. My parents divorced, we were poor, and when they got married again, we traveled with the military so I didn't get to see my cousins.  It was always just me and my brother until I was 12 and then it was brothers, plural.  That Christmas stands out in my mind so clear as though it were yesterday. 

I remembered the one  Christmas Eve when I was 13 or 14 and my parents were back together and we were stationed at Ft. Huachuca, Arizona. For some reason, we chose to go to the post Chapel for their candelight ceremony instead of to the Assembly of God church off base.  The post Chapel was designed more like the old Lutheran churches in Europe though less ornate.  It was a beautiful, quiet, contemplative and  wonderful ceremony.  The high ceiling echoed with the soft hymns of Christmas and each person passed the flame from candle to candle.  The lights went out and we raised our candles as the Light of Christ's love and compassion that flooded the church that night.  Then we spilled out of the church, symbolically spreading that love and compassion light out to the world.  Everyone felt so together, welcome, cheerful, and peaceful.

 Many years later my husband and I took our then three daughters to a local Lutheran church for their candlelight ceremony on Christmas Eve.  I was so uncomfortable because instead of that welcoming feeling of being included, people stared at us, they talked to each other,  and no one introduced themselves.  Their exclusivity was apallingly apparent;  so different from the inclusion I felt at the post Chapel where everyone included everyone else because in the military, people come and go all the time so being exclusive doesn't work.  What a sad difference it was to be so excluded and to feel so left out.  We went through the motions of the ceremony but it felt hollow and dead for us.  I cried because my kids would not have that feeling that night that I had.

As I  think back on the Christmases past in my life, I think of so many moments that brought the love, caring, and  peaceful contemplation;   I miss being with people who include and have compassion,   people who don't judge, people who love and share and are warm and inviting. 
I miss those kinds of people.  Where are they?  Are they only to be found on military bases then? 

For me, Christmas is about quiet carols, snow, twinkling lights, baking treats, candles glowing softly, the laughter of children, the prayers for peace, the happy joy of giving and sharing, the momnents of real compassion and hope, the singing of fun and sacred songs, and the hugs we give. 

It is time to bring back the light of Love and Compassion and what better time than the Return of the Light on Solstice? 

Join me in spreading the inclusion, the caring, the gentle touch of help and acceptance, the smile that brings hope.  Somewhere, someone like me is feeling that empty space because they don't have that inclusion and they desire it with all their hearts.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Fast and loaded

Some really fast computers are amazing; they juggle a lot of information and get a lot done.  Yet even a really fast computer, if loaded with too many complex programs running at the same time, can get slowed down. 

I feel like that computer.

I am fast;  I think fast and think several steps ahead of most people, I talk fast, I understand concepts fast, I extrapolate things fast, I sense and intuit things fast and I do things fast.  I make a lot of people nervous because of how fast I process things, how much energy I have at my age, how open minded I am,  and how much I  get done.  They freak out when  they find out how much I am doing mentally every day.  I am a 220 volt, fast processor person.  Yet even I have a limit on how many programs I can run at once. 

I am running the entire household.  Everyone does that, right?  But I run it two steps ahead, always thinking of every one of the five other people's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs, as well as my own. Yep I think about all that.  I think of the future and take steps NOW to have a long-term outcome that is beneficial for everyone in the family.  I do all the finances, all the household inventory, menu planning, meal making, event planning and implementation (including financial considerations for these) and family health appointments.  I handle three ADD people in the house, one non-ADD person who is having anger about having to "help" her siblings who are ADD, one growing boy and a complex husband all the while growing, learning and changing my own self and inner life.  I keep up on local and national politics, vote every election, write politicians about issues, phone them up too, write the local paper and editorial sections of state papers.  I keep everyone eating healthier than most.  I make lesson plans for two kids, teach one of those kids, monitor the other three kids and take 12 credits per semester of upper division online classes for my own degree.  Meanwhile, I explore things I didn't know and read everything I can.  I maintain relationships both deep and superficial, and I keep up a homeschool P E day group as well as taxi my kids to places. I write in this blog, try to help others every day, pay it forward, be the change I want to see and all that.  I am raising four kids, three of whom are teens with their issues.  I am going through menopause and losing weight at a fast rate.  I have improved my sex life and am getting inventive with that and the deepening relationship with my husband.  I balance in-laws, out-laws, friends, and all the usual crap people do but with the added aspect of both psychology and astrology thrown in.  People ten years younger than I am get tired when faced with my high energy and fast processing.  I  keep up on so much and do it so fast that I am at capacity.  Time is my enemy;  I only have so  much to spare and it is already pretty much taken up.  My energy, though higher than most, is also finite and must be carefully managed for everything I am currently running.  That's another thing I do;  time and energy management.

So when I ask people for help with something, it is because I am already at an unusually higher capacity than my peers.   It drives me nuts that my very excellence at competence works against me; people just expect me to be able to do and handle everything.  Well I am here to say that I am not and that sometimes, I need a little help.  It would be nice to get it when I ask for it.  Yes, this high-energy, fast, forward thinking, mover, proactive, intuitive, deep thinking,  changer sometimes needs a little help and I am not afraid to ask for it anymore.

Changing

I am changing.  This past year has been amazing.  I met a wonderful friend who taught me things I wouldn't have known otherwise.  Though she is more than ten years younger than I, I learned so much from her.  As  result of her and other people as well as inner changes that are coming (Chiron Return, soon) I have made a lot of changes in my life.

The first change was in how I spend my time.  Last year, I would get up, do my class work and if I had time, I would teach my son or help my daughters with school.  Meals were not cooked, life was hectic, the kids suffered and I felt totally out of control and inadequate.  My friend's life of just being a wife and stay-at-home mom seemed out of reach but oh so attractive to me.  This year, I changed my schedule.  Now I do my classwork in the early mornings (after taking some time for myself) and then spend my time with my son when he awakens.  I spend time with my daughters during the day and get dinner on time.  I spend evenings with my husband too.  What changed?  I spend a lot less time doing my school work.  I no longer care if I get "A's" in those classes because doing that took away from the people I love the most and caused me awful angst and tension.  As long as I pass each class, that's good enough.

The second thing I did was I started a diet that is controversial but tweaked it to be healthy and work for me.  I began deliberately losing weight for the first time.  I have lost 110 lbs since May 14th and I feel so much better. I still have 100 lbs to lose yet  I feel sexier, my husband and I fit better in bed,  and the sex has gotten hotter and deeper than ever.  I feel my feelings now too and they are overwhelming me sometimes.  Food used to squelch my feelings;  now I eat so little of it that I feel everything.  Going through menopause and feeling everything makes me weepy.  I am also feeling the return of my old sexual self with this weight loss; this makes me nervous sometimes.  I feel a sense of self too;  for so long I was this non-self and now my kids are going crazy because suddenly Mom is acting like an emotional, energetic, assertive, but rational teenager.

Another change I have been making is that I am trying to understand my feelings; about myself, my husband, my kids, and those people in my life who I think of as friends.  There are people I have emotional connections with and I am trying to honestly explore those connections.  I no longer hide what I feel about them; I have told them.  Some have let me know that they feel the same about me but some elude me and I have to think that they either don't feel the same about me or they do but are not willing (or able) to deal with that right now.  I am less afraid of rejection;  perhaps having some new, close  friends has helped me with that.  In my openness, I have also been honest about my feelings to my husband.  To my surprise, he was not upset about these.  He holds my vulnerable heart gently and with wise caring.  I have always felt very deep feelings for him and, unlike so many people, he is able to handle these.  In fact, I have found that I am a very intense, passionate person; many people are just not able to handle that and I have been bereft of friendships for a long time because I seem so different to people who haven't that intensity or depth. 

One of the hardest changes I have made is about my sexuality.  I have finally been able to again ask for what I want with my husband in a vulnerable but not demanding way.  I used to be very assertive about sex but after marrying my husband, I found him saying no to my requests so much that I felt rejected and stopped initiating  at all.   When we talked about it, he said he felt pressured to perform.  I wondered why every man I have a long-term relationship with always liked sex a lot less than I did.  I felt like it was something  in me they were rejecting, or that I was somehow abnormal in my desire for sex.  I felt hurt and angry.  

Much later, we found out that he has had low testosterone for years.  After getting treatment for it,  things got a little better but it wasn't until I had my son that things really changed;  now I suddenly felt a huge drop in desire and it didn't come back even after a few years had gone by.   I began eating more, we both got fat and we stopped having sex at all.  Finally, my husband sensed the huge change in me and he realized what he was missing.  Finally he started wanting me but it was a bit too late;  I was not feeling desire at all.  Instead I felt humiliated, demoralized and angry.  I began picking on him regularly and he felt angry then, too. 

One day, I was wondering if my teen daughters had ADD; I began reading the symptoms and I realized that my husband had almost all of them.  Suddenly I wasn't so angry anymore.  It explained so much.  I began talking to him about it and he decided to seek a diagnosis and maybe treatment for it.  I stopped picking on him.  He and I were in the nurse's office one day when she told him that he is hurting me because he keeps allowing me to carry too much of the thinking and remembering in the relationship.  I was amazed that she could see that and I began to cry before I could stop it.  He was totally surprised;  even though I had told him I felt  that way, he hadn't seen it until someone else said she saw it too.  She said he needed to take more responsibility for his actions toward me and that doing that would help me feel less pain and anger.  It was like he realized just how much he had been hurting me,  even if unintentionally.  We left that office and both of us changed.  Now we are closer than ever and feeling much better about ourselves and our relationship. 

Both my husband and I also began reading a book given to me which was about the Law of Attraction.  As a realist, I don't fully believe in that in the way it is being taught. The universe Source may be able to give you whatever you want but sometimes it is better for you when it doesn't and you experience misfortune, it is not because you were not clear enough or open enough (which is blaming the victim of that misfortune and thus marginalizing them); it is because you need to have challenges or you don't grow.  We did believe in the positive thinking part so we made an effort to be more positive in our lives and it has helped both of us be more relaxed and open to change.  We have made a five year plan and a ten year plan and we have chosen to make real changes in areas that we need to make changes.  We both feel like gratitude is very important in how we see our lives; living in a state of gratitude means not always seeing only the negative. 

So many changes in just one year.  There are still more to come and I look forward to them all. 

Quiet privacy

It is early morning.  I wake up at 5:15 AM during the workweek and turn and embrace my husband. We are both naked.  The heat of his body and the warm waterbed embrace me.  His hands touch me with sleepy love; my hands do the same to him. I love the smell and feel of him. I love that I am not alone; that he is there in the dark and that his heart is with mine.   We drift off until the snooze alarm goes off.  That dark, quiet, close place in the morning is sensual.  What a way to start the day; skin to skin, touching. 

We have coffee together and then he leaves at 6 AM.  Now I have some quiet privacy.  It is still dark; the children are all asleep.  I finally have time for myself.  I am supposed to be doing my college class work but I resent doing that.  Instead, I do my favorite things; I read (Planet Waves) and I write (here or in my diary) and I dream.  I comment on PW posts or answer e-mails.  Sometimes I go back to bed and make love to myself because I wanted to make love to my husband but he had to get up and get ready for work; there just wasn't enough time. 

These few dark hours and sunrise are the only privacy I get in a day full of three teens and a young son and an evening with my husband.  So in this quiet privacy, I meditate, remember and dream.   I feel my feelings and feel my body that is changing.  I feel the turn of the planet and the pine trees outside.  I feel the sacred mountain out back and the huge, blue skies above.  I feel the slow awakening of the plants and animals in the morning.  I feel the dark belly that is winter approaching.  I love being home. 

This life; of being a stay-at-home mother and wife is far better than the life I had before children; that life of working in jobs where people were so superficial and office gossip and politics so negative.  People often ask me how I can stand it, being home all the time.  The answer to that is easy;  here I am my own boss and though I give my time and energy to four needy people, I choose that and I am not constantly critiqued on it or threatened with the loss of income or livelihood while doing this work.  I am not at the mercy of people who have different (often superficial and self-serving) values.  It is a work that is fulfilling and happy.  I can have a slow day or a fast one;  my choice.  I am lucky that my husband  has no problem with me being a stay-at-home mother and wife.   I do not denigrate women who work;  maybe they like the office gossip or politics and don't see these as negative. 

Just as I can feel the slow turning of the earth and the change of the seasons, I can feel the slow growing and changing of my kids and myself.  It isn't about getting recognition or status or money, or even time with adults  for me;  it is about feeling that quiet moment, that cycle, that deep wheel of time.  I need this.

I love dark mornings because in this time, I cultivate gratitude for my love, my family, my earth, and my life.