I know how kids who are allergic to chocolate feel. Chocolate tastes so good and allergic kids want it but if they eat it they suffer bad consequences.
This is me with ANY grains, legumes, potatoes, sugars. Even cheeses. My whole world is filled with all these and I am not supposed to eat them ever again. They are everywhere; ubiquitous. It is like saying I can't breathe when air is all around me. There goes family holiday baking; holiday eating, eating period. Family events we all love get ruined when the food has low or no carbs.
A lifetime of having to resist and having to think of every bite I put into my mouth sucks. It would mean never, EVER, eating without constant vigilance and resistance again. EVER. Staring down a life like that is daunting. The alternative is being so fat I can't do things I like or feel comfortable. My clothes are expensive, my sex life is diminished, just doing things I used to do takes a lot more effort; things hurt more. This is what hell feels like. And I am not alone.
It isn't about fat acceptance; if I could be fat and still fit into bathroom stalls, seats on a plane, walk around for longer, feel comfortable in public, not have back aches and knee aches, sure, I could accept being this fat. But I can't. Hunger I can ignore but the cravings are another thing. I feel trapped in a body that hates me.
No fat person likes being fat; there's no accommodation for fat people with the ADA and even the folks who fall under the ADA have difficulty fitting into our able-centric world. Research states that diets don't work; people's bodies physiologically change to make them regain the weight so losers end up fighting their own bodies. In fact, diets make things worse because after losing weight, losers have to eat LESS to keep it off; less than a person that was the lower weight to begin with. This is why even post surgery folks regain; their bodies adjust to living off less. Since gastric bypass folks eat 800 to 1000 calories a day post surgery; that means they have to eat less than that to keep the weight off! How is that even healthy?
Same research states that only 5% of losers actually manage to keep it off. Lovely odds. Of those 5%, they say they have to be constantly vigilant and watch EVERY BITE ALL THE TIME for the rest of their lives. Most of them say they could only do it after the kids moved away or they got divorced because family members undermine you.
So forgive me if I am feeling depressed because facing this is depressing.
I feel a sense of grieving for the loss of a life I thought I would maybe get to have. This grief is deep and real. Even strong people like me go through these things; we just usually hide it. I am done with hiding it. This is what I deal with every moment of every day, whether I show it or not.
The grief hurts and I can't get away from it because lugging around this fat body never lets me forget it.
If I did manage to change how my whole family eats (fat chance; four of them are adults and would rail at that) then what would Halloween look like without carbs? Thankgiving? Christmas? Birthdays? Any get together with people? How can we celebrate without carby food (and food in general) being the centerpiece of that celebration? How can we eat out without exposing ourselves to carbs everywhere? There are no low carb restaurants in my town; how many are there where you live? Weddings without cake, picnics without sandwiches, Halloween without candy, Christmas without baking, Mexican, Chinese, Italian, Greek, Thai food without carbs. Thanksgiving without stuffing, biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy and desserts. Just imagine life without all those things. What does that even look like? No more pasta, no more bread, no more corn, no more rice, no more potatoes, no more sweets EVER.
All in order to be thin enough to feel comfortable and fit into places, be able to do physical things, to walk around a lot, to live without pain and aches. That's a pretty hard trade off when you think about it. Everyone has to eat; we don't have to fit or do physical things or walk around a lot every day, three times a day but we DO have to eat every day; EVERY DAY.
This is me with ANY grains, legumes, potatoes, sugars. Even cheeses. My whole world is filled with all these and I am not supposed to eat them ever again. They are everywhere; ubiquitous. It is like saying I can't breathe when air is all around me. There goes family holiday baking; holiday eating, eating period. Family events we all love get ruined when the food has low or no carbs.
A lifetime of having to resist and having to think of every bite I put into my mouth sucks. It would mean never, EVER, eating without constant vigilance and resistance again. EVER. Staring down a life like that is daunting. The alternative is being so fat I can't do things I like or feel comfortable. My clothes are expensive, my sex life is diminished, just doing things I used to do takes a lot more effort; things hurt more. This is what hell feels like. And I am not alone.
It isn't about fat acceptance; if I could be fat and still fit into bathroom stalls, seats on a plane, walk around for longer, feel comfortable in public, not have back aches and knee aches, sure, I could accept being this fat. But I can't. Hunger I can ignore but the cravings are another thing. I feel trapped in a body that hates me.
No fat person likes being fat; there's no accommodation for fat people with the ADA and even the folks who fall under the ADA have difficulty fitting into our able-centric world. Research states that diets don't work; people's bodies physiologically change to make them regain the weight so losers end up fighting their own bodies. In fact, diets make things worse because after losing weight, losers have to eat LESS to keep it off; less than a person that was the lower weight to begin with. This is why even post surgery folks regain; their bodies adjust to living off less. Since gastric bypass folks eat 800 to 1000 calories a day post surgery; that means they have to eat less than that to keep the weight off! How is that even healthy?
Same research states that only 5% of losers actually manage to keep it off. Lovely odds. Of those 5%, they say they have to be constantly vigilant and watch EVERY BITE ALL THE TIME for the rest of their lives. Most of them say they could only do it after the kids moved away or they got divorced because family members undermine you.
So forgive me if I am feeling depressed because facing this is depressing.
I feel a sense of grieving for the loss of a life I thought I would maybe get to have. This grief is deep and real. Even strong people like me go through these things; we just usually hide it. I am done with hiding it. This is what I deal with every moment of every day, whether I show it or not.
The grief hurts and I can't get away from it because lugging around this fat body never lets me forget it.
If I did manage to change how my whole family eats (fat chance; four of them are adults and would rail at that) then what would Halloween look like without carbs? Thankgiving? Christmas? Birthdays? Any get together with people? How can we celebrate without carby food (and food in general) being the centerpiece of that celebration? How can we eat out without exposing ourselves to carbs everywhere? There are no low carb restaurants in my town; how many are there where you live? Weddings without cake, picnics without sandwiches, Halloween without candy, Christmas without baking, Mexican, Chinese, Italian, Greek, Thai food without carbs. Thanksgiving without stuffing, biscuits, mashed potatoes and gravy and desserts. Just imagine life without all those things. What does that even look like? No more pasta, no more bread, no more corn, no more rice, no more potatoes, no more sweets EVER.
All in order to be thin enough to feel comfortable and fit into places, be able to do physical things, to walk around a lot, to live without pain and aches. That's a pretty hard trade off when you think about it. Everyone has to eat; we don't have to fit or do physical things or walk around a lot every day, three times a day but we DO have to eat every day; EVERY DAY.
