The attack on responsibility.

In some circles, there seems to be an attack on responsibility and accountability and commitment.  Why do I say that?  I say that because there are some places where people who are in committed relationships but who have desires outside those, are being encouraged to go-for-it and in essence, walk away from their vows, commitments and responsibilities. 

One paradigm that really needs to change is the one in which adult people think that they should be able to have everything they want or fulfill every desire that they have and justify it under the banner  "self-growth" or "self-work."   That's the mentality of a toddler.  Plain and simple.  

I am a married woman; my vows were freely made .  If later on I have a desire for another person, it is NOT ok to justify that and act on them just because doing so came from the fact that I changed over time.  People get hurt if partners do that.  Kids get hurt and they are innocents;  it is not "growing as an individual" if we act on desires we KNOW will harm and hurt our partners and kids.  It is irresponsible and downright selfish.  It is not ok to say "but he loves me so he should  let me do it to keep from hurting me."  That statement applies the other way as well; "I love him so I won't act on these feelings because I don't want to hurt him." 

Justifying indulging when you have  a prior commitment; let's call it what it is:  bullshitting yourself.  

People in committed relationships have a responsibility to one another.  They definitely have a responsibility to their children and they have a responsibility to themselves to live in integrity.  If I make a vow and later want to renege on that then my word is worth  nothing. 

I am not saying the feelings are bad;  they aren't.  Feelings are just that; feelings.  It is what we DO with them and about them that can be harmful or not.  Expressing those feelings and being honest with your partner is a good thing.  However, if your partner feels unhappy or would be deeply hurt if you acted on them, then don't act on them.  Same goes for your kids but even more so.  If you know your kids would be devastated if you stepped outside your commitments then why do that to them?  The old argument that if Mom's happy everyone is doesn't apply here; psychologists have asked kids in different age ranges and they are not thinking about what their parents want but what they NEED.  Kids NEED stability; changing things, especially when the partner doesn't want that change and would be hurt,  is not good for kids (see Judith Wallerstein's studies).  

In "Divorce Myths Uncovered"  it says:

     Cathy Meyer, who writes about marriage and family issues,   suggests that the happy parent-happy children idea  objectifies  children. "Unhappy parents fail to understand that, though they may be unhappy, their children are probably quite content and don't care if their parents don't get along as long as their family is together.   A child's happiness is not dependent on their parent's  happiness. A child's happiness stems from routine, having a home, two parents, friends to play with, school  activities to be involved in and being able to count on these things being constant day in and day out,"   Meyer writes.   (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/divorce-myths-uncovered-1045.shtml).

Time to grow up, people.  If someone in a committed relationship chooses not to go outside their commitment, despite their desire to do so, their choice  should be valued and praised, not discouraged. 

What I believe.....

I am happily married and pro-monogamy and pro-poly and whatever other kind of relating people want to do (gay marriage, bi, trans gender, queer,  whatever).  I wish  all were done responsibly.  

I am also someone who thinks that people don't have to cheat or fulfill every desire because indulging ourselves is a sign of immaturity;  maturity comes with the realization that we cannot always have everything we want and sometimes it is better for us if we don't.  

I think that "responsibility" and "accountability" and "commitment" are NOT bad words. 

I  think we have to take other people's feelings  and needs into consideration when making relationship decisions.

I believe that we have to "work on ourselves" but that we should do it while helping others. 

I believe that integrity means trying to answer people in a timely manner when they ask questions; not leave them hanging.  

I believe that integrity also includes being honest as much as possible unless doing so is hurtful and destructive.

I believe that playing games with people is wrong.  There's no decent justification for doing it.  

I believe that what is good for me  can be bad for another and my wants do not supersede another's needs.

I believe that if you make a vow, you should stick to it.  If you feel you cannot, you should be honest about that BUT you should take into account how your not sticking to it affects those who have little or no agency (children for example) and really think of your responsibilities before just doing what you want.  

If you make children...raise them.  Don't expect teachers, clergy, counselors, or extended family to do it for you.

I believe feelings are not bad...what we do about them can be either good or bad.  

I believe that  actions should match words as much as possible and that this is also part of being in integrity.

I believe that compassion  is a better thing to spread around than anger.

I believe that what we do comes back to us.

I believe  we should be the change we want to see and spread kindness whenever possible.

I believe that shame is both good and bad. It is bad when it is put on you to limit you from being the best you can be but it is good when it limits you from doing something which may harm you or another. 

I believe guilt is both good and bad as well.  Good when it makes you think about what you may have done to harm yourself, the planet, or  another.  It is good if it  teaches you to right the wrongs you have done.  It is bad when it stifles your ability to move forward in doing the good you can do for yourself and others. 

I do not believe "anything goes."  That's an immature way of thinking; children think like that and it is irresponsible too.    There have to be some limits (Saturn) or we become the weeds which choke the garden.

The Hopi talk about balance in all things...I believe that and hope others will as well. 

I believe the old paradigm which glorifies competition over cooperation and superiority over equality needs to change.  

I believe the Women's Movement has brought some good to women but a lot of bad as well.  While it allowed women to be what men are, it devalued the traditional feminine roles of house wife and mother.  It also helped foster the narcissism many women seem to have  today.

I believe men should be allowed to BE men (and they get to define that, not women) and they should have all-male enclaves they can go to at times.  Women need to stop intruding on everything men do.

I  believe women should be allowed to have the sex they want, when they want without being labelled "slut" or "whore."  I believe that controlling women's sexuality should stop.  NOW.   If men want to know they are supporting their own genetic offspring, they need to negotiate that with the women they are with.  

I believe the U.S. is on the downward slide like all other civilizations were at one time and it is a result of not learning the lessons about greed and power and control.

That's enough for the day. 

Any questions?  Feel free to comment below.