Life lessons

Things I have learned in my life:

being an aware person means being treated like crap sometimes because others are not as aware or they resent me for being aware

being happy means being  resented;  others have resented  me because I have  a happy marriage and family life

being smart is also resented;  people resent me for being smart.

My astrologer read my chart before she got to know me.  She told me that I would have trouble making and keeping friends and that my reason for being in this life was to be an example to others.  In some things I would actively and consciously share knowledge and in others, just being myself would piss off people because I am a perfectionist who is willing to work harder, longer, more carefully, and with more conscious thought  than most people.  She said I would  always be more aware, be a step (or several steps) ahead of people and they would resent me for that.  Just being myself pisses them off because they will feel like I am trying to show them up when  the truth is, I am just trying to live up to an inner standard I have set for myself. She said they will resent me because they are unwilling (or not conscious enough) to set the same high standards for themselves or to work for them so they will see me and feel less around me and resent me for it.

I  asked her why they wouldn't just do the same thing I do when I see someone who does it or knows it better than I;  learn from them and improve. She said they are lazy and don't want to do that; society has made it so that it is all about looking like one is on top whether they are or not.  Appearances are more important than substance so rather than admit to themselves that they need to learn something, they resent the person who knows more.

She also said the irony is, I would never feel like I was better than or smarter than others because I have this list of my flaws that is very long (she was right about that) and deep compassion  for others  but less so for myself.  She said I have a deep need  for love and approval.  So when people accuse me of acting like I know more than they do or of being bossy or  showing off, it will always hurts me because I just don't feel that at all;  I feel always inadequate compared to others.

This means I will feel betrayed by people I have become close to because  they will sometimes say I am being too pushy or too bossy or acting like I think I am better than they are.  This happens again and again; just as that astrologer said it would.  It hurts me deeply when it happens from people I trust or love.

Another life lesson I have learned is  how groups act.  Whenever I am in any group, I watch everyone and notice the niches they each choose (or are forced ) into.  I see the categories they inhabit;  the leader ones, the gentle sensitive ones, the blunt ones, the  critical ones, the sassy ones.  I tend to fall into the compassionate niche but sometimes I also share knowledge.  I have found that once a person occupies a niche either they put themselves into or others placed them in, they cannot deviate from it AT ALL or the group makes sure they know they have deviated.  The group is usually unaware of these dynamics;  they just react and pressure the person to get back into their expected behavior.   I see "the blunt one" get a free pass to be so but if anyone else does that they get scolded or  told that they are being "harsh" or "negative."

I watch people's actions, not just their words.  If I assume the group is that unaware or a person is that unaware,  that is based on their actions and words.  I  read their posts saying what they are doing or thinking and I see the lack of conscious awareness of themselves and others.  Does that ability to see it make me a bad person?   I didn't ask for this ability to see that.  Or sometimes, I  see an aware person compromised by some life-changing event in their life.  I didn't speak up once when I saw a train-wreck about to happen and sure enough, the train wreck happened and the person suffered in several ways.  I felt guilty for not speaking up but the reason I didn't speak up was because I watched the group and noticed that none of them did so and I didn't want to be the messenger everyone hates.  So my choices were to remain quiet and watch someone I love suffer badly or speak up and be lambasted by the group.  I chose the  former and now have guilt because of that.  This time I chose the latter and I am paying for it.  Either way I pay.  This sucks.

This kind of unfairness drives me crazy.  I have been on the receiving end of that unfairness and it hurts.

I rarely have friends I feel  I can trust my deepest self with.  I am a part of a group of women that, after 17 years or so, I felt I could mostly trust to be myself with.  Mostly;  never totally because of the damage I have lived with my whole life and my own awareness of my many flaws.    This group also has people in niches.  I feel close to them; closer than to anyone I have  ever been close to except my husband.  Yet I am always a little afraid, too because I think that at any time they will turn on me because this has happened to me before.  So I never feel totally accepted but I do feel more accepted with this group than with any other friends before.  Until this week.

I made some comments that were more blunt than usual and apparently some of the members went to  "the leader" and mentioned  that I was being "negative' lately.  They didn't come to me in private and ask what is up with me; which is what I would have done for them had the tables been turned.  They asked "the leader" who in turn asked me what was up because I was being negative.  She went  on to say I was coming off as though I didn't trust the other member to be smart enough.  I was coming off as though I knew better; I was hovering and acting like a mother.   There it is again;  that same accusation of me acting like I an better than others.  Despite my explaining myself and my public apology, I felt hurt.  Even more so when another person posted similar things but that was ok.   When I found out that several members had come to the "leader" about me, I felt betrayed.  I still feel betrayed.

People I thought of as smart,  compassionate,  and trustworthy  now seem petty and hurtful.  Yes, they probably still care about me and they had my best at heart but it still hurts that there is a double standard and that they didn't just ask me what was up (each one individually) instead of going to 'the leader" about it.  Nor did they cut me the same slack they cut others in the group who have been equally blunt at times or even harsh.  That's unfair.

Now I feel as though I cannot be helpful, share information, or give any advice  even though  the others do that.  Apparently I do it in an insulting way.    Others have been harsh to me but I just let it go because I realized they were probably having a bad week or day and gave them the benefit of the doubt.  Where was that same slack for me?   I don't feel like I am accepted in this group; maybe I never really was.  Maybe they do love me but to get that love I feel I have to be what they expect me  to be.  Where is the awareness of my feelings in  the group?  I feel judged in the group.   I already have trust issues;  now I don't feel the same trust with this group as I did.

People don't want knowledge or help.  I just have to remind myself of that I guess.  Feeling marginalized really hurts.  No wonder my kids feel less and less like they want to be around people.  People don't want to be aware, don't want to be thoughtful, don't want to  learn or know.   They seem to prefer to unconsciously  coast along for the most part.  I wish I could be like that sometimes;  it would be a lot less painful not knowing or seeing.

What I believe.....

I am happily married and pro-monogamy and pro-poly and whatever other kind of relating people want to do (gay marriage, bi, trans gender, queer,  whatever).  I wish  all were done responsibly.  

I am also someone who thinks that people don't have to cheat or fulfill every desire because indulging ourselves is a sign of immaturity;  maturity comes with the realization that we cannot always have everything we want and sometimes it is better for us if we don't.  

I think that "responsibility" and "accountability" and "commitment" are NOT bad words. 

I  think we have to take other people's feelings  and needs into consideration when making relationship decisions.

I believe that we have to "work on ourselves" but that we should do it while helping others. 

I believe that integrity means trying to answer people in a timely manner when they ask questions; not leave them hanging.  

I believe that integrity also includes being honest as much as possible unless doing so is hurtful and destructive.

I believe that playing games with people is wrong.  There's no decent justification for doing it.  

I believe that what is good for me  can be bad for another and my wants do not supersede another's needs.

I believe that if you make a vow, you should stick to it.  If you feel you cannot, you should be honest about that BUT you should take into account how your not sticking to it affects those who have little or no agency (children for example) and really think of your responsibilities before just doing what you want.  

If you make children...raise them.  Don't expect teachers, clergy, counselors, or extended family to do it for you.

I believe feelings are not bad...what we do about them can be either good or bad.  

I believe that  actions should match words as much as possible and that this is also part of being in integrity.

I believe that compassion  is a better thing to spread around than anger.

I believe that what we do comes back to us.

I believe  we should be the change we want to see and spread kindness whenever possible.

I believe that shame is both good and bad. It is bad when it is put on you to limit you from being the best you can be but it is good when it limits you from doing something which may harm you or another. 

I believe guilt is both good and bad as well.  Good when it makes you think about what you may have done to harm yourself, the planet, or  another.  It is good if it  teaches you to right the wrongs you have done.  It is bad when it stifles your ability to move forward in doing the good you can do for yourself and others. 

I do not believe "anything goes."  That's an immature way of thinking; children think like that and it is irresponsible too.    There have to be some limits (Saturn) or we become the weeds which choke the garden.

The Hopi talk about balance in all things...I believe that and hope others will as well. 

I believe the old paradigm which glorifies competition over cooperation and superiority over equality needs to change.  

I believe the Women's Movement has brought some good to women but a lot of bad as well.  While it allowed women to be what men are, it devalued the traditional feminine roles of house wife and mother.  It also helped foster the narcissism many women seem to have  today.

I believe men should be allowed to BE men (and they get to define that, not women) and they should have all-male enclaves they can go to at times.  Women need to stop intruding on everything men do.

I  believe women should be allowed to have the sex they want, when they want without being labelled "slut" or "whore."  I believe that controlling women's sexuality should stop.  NOW.   If men want to know they are supporting their own genetic offspring, they need to negotiate that with the women they are with.  

I believe the U.S. is on the downward slide like all other civilizations were at one time and it is a result of not learning the lessons about greed and power and control.

That's enough for the day. 

Any questions?  Feel free to comment below. 

Time and changes

As March grows, I feel the feeling and remember last year.  Last March, I got a phone call which changed everything.  Some for the best and some for the worst.  The upheaval that call created was both physical and emotional and a change in responsibility.  Thinking back on all of it I cannot help the feelings that are bubbling up.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family; just last year I found a name for what my mother is and what my father has tendencies for;  Narcissism.  My father remarried when I was in my early twenties.  She was a woman who pretended to be a Christian but her actions were not.  She had only one child; a son. She liked to smoke, drink, and gamble.    My father allowed this woman to push me  especially out of his life.  Oh he would call me sometimes but he rarely ever visited me and when I began having children, he only visited the oldest ones twice when they were babies.  He never knew the younger two.  He only saw any of them when I made the effort (despite having so little means) to drive up to Vegas to see him. Even then, we never were invited to his home; we always had to meet somewhere else.   He never invited me to his home with his wife after I had kids.  Once, we drove there to see him with the three girls and when they got up late and had to be fed, we couldn't meet them at the time they chose so when we were unable to do so, they flatly refused to meet with us at all.  That was so hurtful;  my children were being rejected as was I and I was hurt and angry.

Then the unthinkable happened;  my father's wife died last March.  Just before she died, her son contacted me to let me know HE was their power of attorney.  We drove there to see my dad in rehab as soon as he called to say she had died because they lived in Vegas away from all family or friends.  I felt I couldn't just leave him there alone and with no one near.   I saw a very weak, old, skinny man who couldn't stop talking about all that he had missed and about his perfect wife.  The more time I spent with him the more I realized how stubborn and sefish he was.  I began to like him less and less.  My compassion for him was diminishing moment by moment yet I couldn't abandon him.  Call it compassion or stupidity but I just couldn't walk away and let him die.

My step-brother and his girlfriend revealed a selfish streak when they wouldn't even allow me to remove a picture of myself and my brothers to make copies for myself;  I also was able to get a copy of the wills and trust papers only to find that my father placed his own mother's well being and home in jeopardy of being taken out from under her by his wife or her son if he had died first.  My grandmnother was then 96 years old and had lived on that land since she was 9 years old!  His duplicity and stupidity in allowing himeslf to be so manipulated so that if he had died his wife and her son got everything, including my grandmother's only home,  made me furious.  I told my grandmother what he had done.  She got him to put the property back in her name ONLY at my insistance.  When the step brother could see that my grandmother and I were not going to allow him to use my father for his own ends; he took the money my dad offered him (which was from my step-mom's account) and left; he  put it in writing that he gave up the power of attormey and all claims against my dad and his estate.

This left me scrambling to get my father's care and welfare worked out.  At first I did what my father asked of me but I soon realized he was addicted to painkiller drugs and  I had to start making decisions which looked mean at first but which ultimately saved his life.  This was so time consuming and hard for me.  I was not used to bossing around my parent;  it took a lot of getting used to.  I even had to do things he didn't like such as getting rid of some of his things because they smelled of smoke and the doctor said he should live without them.

The day I had to walk into his apartment for the first time was so emotional for me;  I cried because I had never been invited in over 20 years to their home.  It was awful;  it smelled like an ashtray and the carpet and some furniture was black from her smoking.   She said she couldn't sit in church because of her fibromyalgia but she could sit at casino slot machines or at bingo every day?  How could he have been so stupid as to not see her for the lying, smoking, drinking, gambling bar fly that she was?  Her only son didn't even return for her burial!

As my husband and I went through his things to pack them and move  him,  I began to see evidence that her gambling cost them so much money.  I was horrified at the amount of money she went through and at the amount of money they sent to fundamentalist Christian groups to "buy" their way into God's good graces because they both KNEW they were not living the life they professed to believe.  I became disgusted in the extreme at their hypocrisy.  I was especially angry that they could spend so much money on these things but never sent my children a dime for birthdays or Christmas.  Not that they owed us but that their sefishnss at not wanting to even see their only grandchildren, much less send them a dollar, was awful.  Her son never had any kids so mine were the ONLY ones between  them.

She was so selfish in wanting him all to herself (as well as his money all to herself) that she persuaded him (and he let her!) to stay away from his only grand kids.  Now he is filled with remorse and asks why they won't see him.  At first I tried to be kind but eventualy I just told him that they don't know him and they have no connection with him because he ignored them all those years.  I told him it is too late now; they really don't want to see him and especially not after the tons of trouble and stress he caused me this past year.  I didn't tell him to hurt him;  he just kept asking and asking so I felt it was unfair to keep lying to him and giving him hope.  He needs to get on with his life in assisted living.

I had to take away his car because the doctors say he cannot drive.  I had to make others responsible for his medication management and administration because he almost overdosed and killed himself more than once.  I had to put him in assisted living because I have no room for him in my rented home and he needs more care than I can give.   I had to take over his finances because he would have used them to get more drugs or to rent a car and drive.  He already put a man in the hospital last year before I was able to take the car away and he had no remorse about the injuries the man sustained.  All he could think about was his MONEY. 

I was sickened by him and still feel disgust every time I have to see him.  How awful is that?  I rarely call him (it costs me to do so as he lives 3 hrs and a lower elevation from me because of his CHF).  I rarely visit him because the cost of gas is too high.  We had to move him three times; the money he gave me to protect it from the injured man is gone because of his bad choices.  He ran through over $20,000 in less than a year because of his addiction and my not knowing how bad things were.  Had I known, I would have only moved him once into the assisted living place he is in now and saved him a lot of money and me and my husband a lot of time, energy and heartache.   Hindsight is always better than current vision.

The feelings I am having about this time last year are jumbled into sadness, anger, hope and feeling good that I did the right thing despite my disgust.  He is alive, in a place which has things for him to do, he is being carefully managed medically and he has friends.  Instead of revenge, I can sleep at night because I did the compassionate and humane thing.  Even though some of it was painful for both of us and it is an uneasy relationship (he hates being controlled by me) I know he is alive to live more years.   More than anything, I did it for my grandmother because he is her only son and walking away would have devastated her.  I love her and could not bear to do anything which would cause her hurt. 

At least this year I can look forward to my son's birthday on March 11 without having to rush to Vegas to deal with my dad's mess.  This time, I face March with hope and happiness because my youngest child and only son turns ten soon.  And I can know that through it all, I was an example to my children for what being like Ghandi, Christ, MLK, and many others  really means; love your neighbor; even if he is your disgusting and selfish and neglectful father.  Do it because that is the right and compassionate and kind and humane thing to do.  Revenge doesn't taste sweet;  compassion does.

The self-help distraction.

You know, sometimes I hate being the happy, bandwagon bubble popper but I can't help it. It is that Virgo rising I tell you. Does it every time.

I mean when I read some people extolling Byron Katie's "The Work," I looked it up to see. I read through it thoroughly and I liked it...to a point. Yet it smacks of the "end MY suffering," focus on self, me-me-me stuff the Boomers are so famous for. We have had decades of self-work and it has not served us as a society well because it is too self absorbed. All that self-work is a great way to keep us from looking outward and seeing what we can do to help others. As the Hopi note, life out of balance is not good and self-absorption that keeps us from helping others is a way of being out of balance.

Another one is the Abraham-Hicks ideology that says the universe wants to give you anything you want but you have to be open to receiving it. That's a nice idea...except it is just another "blame the individual for their misfortune" disguised-as-a-self-help program. After all, it is too easy to blame you if you don't get what you desire because obviously the universe wants you to have it but you were not open enough to get it. That's bullshit. That completely misses the part where sometimes, the universe doesn't want you to get everything you want because you grow more when you do without.

The idea that ending self suffering is a good thing sounds good, at first,  but suffering teaches us compassion, patience, tolerance, and empathy. To end self suffering means to end learning all that and I don't see that as a good thing. There will always be suffering and not just because each person who suffers has not done "The Work." By that ideology, the starving child in Somalia should just stop believing they are starving and they will be happier? What a convenient, upper class ideology to absolve us from having to help the starving kid! Let's get real shall we?  Time to stop distracting ourselves with our selves and get to work helping others.   That may not feel as easy or good but life worth living is not easy;  but it is  satisfying. 

 

Stop the Wheel....

I read a phrase in Robert Anton Wilson's book "Cosmic Trigger."  The phrase was "stop the wheel"  meaning we can stop the wheel of karma.  What he meant by that was despite the things that are done to us, we can "stop the wheel"  and not spread the negativity.  Instead, we have the power to re-shape the way things will happen by what we do.  I took that very literally and from that time on (I was 18 when I read that book)  I stopped the wheel whenever I could. 

For example;  if I was working and my co-worker snapped at me, instead of snapping back at them or snapping at someone else (the "shit rolls downhill"  paradigm)  I would say "Sounds like things are being difficult for you today."  They would stop for a second and then they would tell me the trouble they were having.  I would then  validate them by saying how I was sorry that happened to them and that I hoped their day got better.  It was amazing;  the same person that seconds ago bit my head off and was ready to bite everyone's head off after me was calmed down and went on their way without biting anyone else's head off.  People have told me that means I was being a "doormat"  to the angry person but I saw it as having the power to change their perception and their attitude without pressuring them into that.  I saw it as spreading joy instead of angst, helping them out instead of spreading the anger.  What power we have! 

Every day, we all have moments like that; the sarcastic bank teller, the grumpy waiter, the person in line complaining.  We can choose to allow it to continue by either snapping back or passing it on OR we can have the tremendous power to completely alter things for the better.

I want to be remembered for spreading joy;  being a joy-giver instead of a joy-taker.  My friend, Rachell, coined that name, "joy-giver"  and I like it.  Imagine what would happen if we ALL did that...if we all stopped the wheel of negativity and became joy-givers.  Just do it.