The attack on responsibility.

In some circles, there seems to be an attack on responsibility and accountability and commitment.  Why do I say that?  I say that because there are some places where people who are in committed relationships but who have desires outside those, are being encouraged to go-for-it and in essence, walk away from their vows, commitments and responsibilities. 

One paradigm that really needs to change is the one in which adult people think that they should be able to have everything they want or fulfill every desire that they have and justify it under the banner  "self-growth" or "self-work."   That's the mentality of a toddler.  Plain and simple.  

I am a married woman; my vows were freely made .  If later on I have a desire for another person, it is NOT ok to justify that and act on them just because doing so came from the fact that I changed over time.  People get hurt if partners do that.  Kids get hurt and they are innocents;  it is not "growing as an individual" if we act on desires we KNOW will harm and hurt our partners and kids.  It is irresponsible and downright selfish.  It is not ok to say "but he loves me so he should  let me do it to keep from hurting me."  That statement applies the other way as well; "I love him so I won't act on these feelings because I don't want to hurt him." 

Justifying indulging when you have  a prior commitment; let's call it what it is:  bullshitting yourself.  

People in committed relationships have a responsibility to one another.  They definitely have a responsibility to their children and they have a responsibility to themselves to live in integrity.  If I make a vow and later want to renege on that then my word is worth  nothing. 

I am not saying the feelings are bad;  they aren't.  Feelings are just that; feelings.  It is what we DO with them and about them that can be harmful or not.  Expressing those feelings and being honest with your partner is a good thing.  However, if your partner feels unhappy or would be deeply hurt if you acted on them, then don't act on them.  Same goes for your kids but even more so.  If you know your kids would be devastated if you stepped outside your commitments then why do that to them?  The old argument that if Mom's happy everyone is doesn't apply here; psychologists have asked kids in different age ranges and they are not thinking about what their parents want but what they NEED.  Kids NEED stability; changing things, especially when the partner doesn't want that change and would be hurt,  is not good for kids (see Judith Wallerstein's studies).  

In "Divorce Myths Uncovered"  it says:

     Cathy Meyer, who writes about marriage and family issues,   suggests that the happy parent-happy children idea  objectifies  children. "Unhappy parents fail to understand that, though they may be unhappy, their children are probably quite content and don't care if their parents don't get along as long as their family is together.   A child's happiness is not dependent on their parent's  happiness. A child's happiness stems from routine, having a home, two parents, friends to play with, school  activities to be involved in and being able to count on these things being constant day in and day out,"   Meyer writes.   (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/divorce-myths-uncovered-1045.shtml).

Time to grow up, people.  If someone in a committed relationship chooses not to go outside their commitment, despite their desire to do so, their choice  should be valued and praised, not discouraged. 

What I believe.....

I am happily married and pro-monogamy and pro-poly and whatever other kind of relating people want to do (gay marriage, bi, trans gender, queer,  whatever).  I wish  all were done responsibly.  

I am also someone who thinks that people don't have to cheat or fulfill every desire because indulging ourselves is a sign of immaturity;  maturity comes with the realization that we cannot always have everything we want and sometimes it is better for us if we don't.  

I think that "responsibility" and "accountability" and "commitment" are NOT bad words. 

I  think we have to take other people's feelings  and needs into consideration when making relationship decisions.

I believe that we have to "work on ourselves" but that we should do it while helping others. 

I believe that integrity means trying to answer people in a timely manner when they ask questions; not leave them hanging.  

I believe that integrity also includes being honest as much as possible unless doing so is hurtful and destructive.

I believe that playing games with people is wrong.  There's no decent justification for doing it.  

I believe that what is good for me  can be bad for another and my wants do not supersede another's needs.

I believe that if you make a vow, you should stick to it.  If you feel you cannot, you should be honest about that BUT you should take into account how your not sticking to it affects those who have little or no agency (children for example) and really think of your responsibilities before just doing what you want.  

If you make children...raise them.  Don't expect teachers, clergy, counselors, or extended family to do it for you.

I believe feelings are not bad...what we do about them can be either good or bad.  

I believe that  actions should match words as much as possible and that this is also part of being in integrity.

I believe that compassion  is a better thing to spread around than anger.

I believe that what we do comes back to us.

I believe  we should be the change we want to see and spread kindness whenever possible.

I believe that shame is both good and bad. It is bad when it is put on you to limit you from being the best you can be but it is good when it limits you from doing something which may harm you or another. 

I believe guilt is both good and bad as well.  Good when it makes you think about what you may have done to harm yourself, the planet, or  another.  It is good if it  teaches you to right the wrongs you have done.  It is bad when it stifles your ability to move forward in doing the good you can do for yourself and others. 

I do not believe "anything goes."  That's an immature way of thinking; children think like that and it is irresponsible too.    There have to be some limits (Saturn) or we become the weeds which choke the garden.

The Hopi talk about balance in all things...I believe that and hope others will as well. 

I believe the old paradigm which glorifies competition over cooperation and superiority over equality needs to change.  

I believe the Women's Movement has brought some good to women but a lot of bad as well.  While it allowed women to be what men are, it devalued the traditional feminine roles of house wife and mother.  It also helped foster the narcissism many women seem to have  today.

I believe men should be allowed to BE men (and they get to define that, not women) and they should have all-male enclaves they can go to at times.  Women need to stop intruding on everything men do.

I  believe women should be allowed to have the sex they want, when they want without being labelled "slut" or "whore."  I believe that controlling women's sexuality should stop.  NOW.   If men want to know they are supporting their own genetic offspring, they need to negotiate that with the women they are with.  

I believe the U.S. is on the downward slide like all other civilizations were at one time and it is a result of not learning the lessons about greed and power and control.

That's enough for the day. 

Any questions?  Feel free to comment below. 

Time and changes

As March grows, I feel the feeling and remember last year.  Last March, I got a phone call which changed everything.  Some for the best and some for the worst.  The upheaval that call created was both physical and emotional and a change in responsibility.  Thinking back on all of it I cannot help the feelings that are bubbling up.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family; just last year I found a name for what my mother is and what my father has tendencies for;  Narcissism.  My father remarried when I was in my early twenties.  She was a woman who pretended to be a Christian but her actions were not.  She had only one child; a son. She liked to smoke, drink, and gamble.    My father allowed this woman to push me  especially out of his life.  Oh he would call me sometimes but he rarely ever visited me and when I began having children, he only visited the oldest ones twice when they were babies.  He never knew the younger two.  He only saw any of them when I made the effort (despite having so little means) to drive up to Vegas to see him. Even then, we never were invited to his home; we always had to meet somewhere else.   He never invited me to his home with his wife after I had kids.  Once, we drove there to see him with the three girls and when they got up late and had to be fed, we couldn't meet them at the time they chose so when we were unable to do so, they flatly refused to meet with us at all.  That was so hurtful;  my children were being rejected as was I and I was hurt and angry.

Then the unthinkable happened;  my father's wife died last March.  Just before she died, her son contacted me to let me know HE was their power of attorney.  We drove there to see my dad in rehab as soon as he called to say she had died because they lived in Vegas away from all family or friends.  I felt I couldn't just leave him there alone and with no one near.   I saw a very weak, old, skinny man who couldn't stop talking about all that he had missed and about his perfect wife.  The more time I spent with him the more I realized how stubborn and sefish he was.  I began to like him less and less.  My compassion for him was diminishing moment by moment yet I couldn't abandon him.  Call it compassion or stupidity but I just couldn't walk away and let him die.

My step-brother and his girlfriend revealed a selfish streak when they wouldn't even allow me to remove a picture of myself and my brothers to make copies for myself;  I also was able to get a copy of the wills and trust papers only to find that my father placed his own mother's well being and home in jeopardy of being taken out from under her by his wife or her son if he had died first.  My grandmnother was then 96 years old and had lived on that land since she was 9 years old!  His duplicity and stupidity in allowing himeslf to be so manipulated so that if he had died his wife and her son got everything, including my grandmother's only home,  made me furious.  I told my grandmother what he had done.  She got him to put the property back in her name ONLY at my insistance.  When the step brother could see that my grandmother and I were not going to allow him to use my father for his own ends; he took the money my dad offered him (which was from my step-mom's account) and left; he  put it in writing that he gave up the power of attormey and all claims against my dad and his estate.

This left me scrambling to get my father's care and welfare worked out.  At first I did what my father asked of me but I soon realized he was addicted to painkiller drugs and  I had to start making decisions which looked mean at first but which ultimately saved his life.  This was so time consuming and hard for me.  I was not used to bossing around my parent;  it took a lot of getting used to.  I even had to do things he didn't like such as getting rid of some of his things because they smelled of smoke and the doctor said he should live without them.

The day I had to walk into his apartment for the first time was so emotional for me;  I cried because I had never been invited in over 20 years to their home.  It was awful;  it smelled like an ashtray and the carpet and some furniture was black from her smoking.   She said she couldn't sit in church because of her fibromyalgia but she could sit at casino slot machines or at bingo every day?  How could he have been so stupid as to not see her for the lying, smoking, drinking, gambling bar fly that she was?  Her only son didn't even return for her burial!

As my husband and I went through his things to pack them and move  him,  I began to see evidence that her gambling cost them so much money.  I was horrified at the amount of money she went through and at the amount of money they sent to fundamentalist Christian groups to "buy" their way into God's good graces because they both KNEW they were not living the life they professed to believe.  I became disgusted in the extreme at their hypocrisy.  I was especially angry that they could spend so much money on these things but never sent my children a dime for birthdays or Christmas.  Not that they owed us but that their sefishnss at not wanting to even see their only grandchildren, much less send them a dollar, was awful.  Her son never had any kids so mine were the ONLY ones between  them.

She was so selfish in wanting him all to herself (as well as his money all to herself) that she persuaded him (and he let her!) to stay away from his only grand kids.  Now he is filled with remorse and asks why they won't see him.  At first I tried to be kind but eventualy I just told him that they don't know him and they have no connection with him because he ignored them all those years.  I told him it is too late now; they really don't want to see him and especially not after the tons of trouble and stress he caused me this past year.  I didn't tell him to hurt him;  he just kept asking and asking so I felt it was unfair to keep lying to him and giving him hope.  He needs to get on with his life in assisted living.

I had to take away his car because the doctors say he cannot drive.  I had to make others responsible for his medication management and administration because he almost overdosed and killed himself more than once.  I had to put him in assisted living because I have no room for him in my rented home and he needs more care than I can give.   I had to take over his finances because he would have used them to get more drugs or to rent a car and drive.  He already put a man in the hospital last year before I was able to take the car away and he had no remorse about the injuries the man sustained.  All he could think about was his MONEY. 

I was sickened by him and still feel disgust every time I have to see him.  How awful is that?  I rarely call him (it costs me to do so as he lives 3 hrs and a lower elevation from me because of his CHF).  I rarely visit him because the cost of gas is too high.  We had to move him three times; the money he gave me to protect it from the injured man is gone because of his bad choices.  He ran through over $20,000 in less than a year because of his addiction and my not knowing how bad things were.  Had I known, I would have only moved him once into the assisted living place he is in now and saved him a lot of money and me and my husband a lot of time, energy and heartache.   Hindsight is always better than current vision.

The feelings I am having about this time last year are jumbled into sadness, anger, hope and feeling good that I did the right thing despite my disgust.  He is alive, in a place which has things for him to do, he is being carefully managed medically and he has friends.  Instead of revenge, I can sleep at night because I did the compassionate and humane thing.  Even though some of it was painful for both of us and it is an uneasy relationship (he hates being controlled by me) I know he is alive to live more years.   More than anything, I did it for my grandmother because he is her only son and walking away would have devastated her.  I love her and could not bear to do anything which would cause her hurt. 

At least this year I can look forward to my son's birthday on March 11 without having to rush to Vegas to deal with my dad's mess.  This time, I face March with hope and happiness because my youngest child and only son turns ten soon.  And I can know that through it all, I was an example to my children for what being like Ghandi, Christ, MLK, and many others  really means; love your neighbor; even if he is your disgusting and selfish and neglectful father.  Do it because that is the right and compassionate and kind and humane thing to do.  Revenge doesn't taste sweet;  compassion does.

More is better?

 Some people seem content with their lives and themselves for the most part and others seem to have an inner restlessness and neediness. 

When I was growing up, my brother and I were very different.  I was happy with what I had, with the attention I got from our parents and with life in general for the most part.  He was never satisfied with what he got, with the attention he was given and with his life in general.  This made him restless, jealous, unhappy and malcontent all the time.  If our mother gave us two cookies, I was happy to get two cookies but he argued for more.  If she spent time with him and gave him attention, he needed more.  He needed so much that she often felt exhausted by his needs and said that out loud.

This is not totally a learned trait.  I know this because I see it in my own children.  One is a lot like my brother; no matter how much attention or things she gets, she seems to need more.  The other is contented and happy with herself and her life.   I fear the first  will never be happy.  People like that are never satisfied no matter how much they have or how much attention they get.  There are arguments which say  that such people are the ones who do great things because they are not content  with things as they are.  Perhaps that is so but at what personal, happiness price do they accomplish such things?

As a parent, I wish happiness for my children.  Of course I know they will not be happy all the time but what parent would wish to sit back and see their child suffer unhappiness?  I cannot do anything about it but I wish there were some way to help.

Some people are not malcontent but ADD.  ADD causes people to be restless and  always seeking novelty to reduce boredom.  

Malcontents and ADD folks not only feel unhappy, they often induce unhappiness in others.  When a malcontent or ADD person   marries a contented, non-ADD  person, there can be problems.  The malcontent/ADD  may desire location changes a lot or job changes or partner changes.  This causes a lot of misery for the contented partner and the children because children need stability.

Too often, a malcontent/ADD person marries a contented person because opposites attract and the contented person is not as likely to leave or cheat.  The contented person ends up hurt because the malcontent/ADD person never seems satisfied no matter what the contented person is or does.  It is really important for the contented person to realize that it isn't them;  they cannot make their malcomtented/ADD partner happy.

Malcontents and ADD people  have to be made responsible for their actions; especially those which are harmful to others such as cheating.  The old "if you love me you will let me" is bullshit and the worst kind of emotional manipulation.  Using ADD or malcontent as an excuse is not healthy.  People get hurt, children get damaged and the malcontent/ADD person should be able to consider others' needs as well as their own and work for balance.

Our society helps induce a sense of malcontent.  The media plays a role in this because people are told they would be happier if they bought this product or lived this lifestyle when in fact, the opposite is usually true.  We are surrounded by messages that tell us we never have enough; enough money, time, attention, sex, love, house, prestige, etc.   So even if a person is not genetically malcontent or ADD, they still may act like that due to social conditioning which was designed to sell products and promote consumption.

This way of socializing people begins in childhood and is a non-stop bombardment throughout life.  Between this bombardment and the social message that the individual is all-important (as opposed to the group or family); we have become a culture of malcontents.  The fallout is that our children are damaged and unhappy.

Whether it is from genetics or socialization, the malcontent has to stop or at least be managed better.  Our families, relationships, and especially our kids need a better way to live.

Letting go...again

Once upon a time, there was a little baby.  He was round and sweet with ten fingers and ten toes.  He had huge brown eyes and dark, long eyelashes.  His baby soft hair was curly with those springy open curls that wrap around your fingers when you touch them.  He was smart and so adorable.  His skin was a light brown and soft as only a baby's skin can be.  He had the most lilting laugh, bubbly and wonderful to hear.  I loved him, cared for him, fed him, changed his diapers, held him, kissed his toes and fell in love with him so deeply.  I was twelve years old.  


As he grew, I took his little hand and showed him the world.  I watched him, protected him, and defended him.  When the typhoon raged at night, I would steal into his room, which was the farthest from everyone's,  and carry him to mine and place him into my double bed so he could be with me; in case he awoke in fear.  I held him close and comforted him when he was afraid.  I played with him and his little friends and dressed him up and took him trick-or-treating on Halloweens.  I made tents for him and helped him play.  I washed his clothes and cleaned his  room.  I made his lunch and ate with him.  When he was six years old, I carried him on my back up and down the hills of Jerusalem because his little feet were too tired to go as far as he wanted to go.  When he was in school, I baked and decorated cookies and cupcakes for Halloween and Christmas and brought them to his class.  I drove him to concerts and made banners for us to hold so we could scream our lungs out;  I didn't know who the bands were but he did.  I drove him out in the forest to get him out of the house after his accident because he hated being cooped up.  I played "spoons" with him and his friends and made him designer look-alike shirts.
I drove him and his friends to midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show and did all the fun stuff with the squirt guns and rice.  Then I drove them to late-night fast food places so they could squirt the window cashiers.  We laughed and laughed and had so much fun.  When other grown sisters would have been off doing their own thing; I spent time with him and his friends so he could go places because he couldn't drive yet.  I treated him  to movies, lunch out, and concerts.  


I loved watching  him grow and change.  I remember him calling the storm "roughy funder" and seeing his eyes light up at Christmas time.  I remember him laughing and running outside and  his  amazing eloquence.  I remember his jokes and his freckles.  I remember his playfulness and caring.  I remember his intelligence; he was so smart and insightful.  I remember how sweet he was when  I tucked him in for nap time or bed time; he didn't want to go but he was so good he would do it anyway.  He was always so well behaved and a good friend to his buddies.  His loyalty and generosity were wonderful to see. 




I got married when he was six years old and went away but I came back a year later and stayed for several years.  I moved out again with a boyfriend but came back again when that didn't work out.  I took care of him when our mother went to Texas and took him camping with me because he liked camping.  The one day, I married again, he was 15 and gave me away.  After that, we rarely saw each other because I moved away and began raising my own family.  


Yet I never forgot that little boy, my baby brother, deep in my heart.  He has a place, a him-shaped place in my heart that no one else can ever fill.  



Now we are both grown and we cannot relate to one another.  Our mother has damaged us both and has tried ( and succeeded) to stir dissention between us.  He has a wife and children but he thinks I am the wrong one, the overreacting one.  We grew up in a dysfunctional home, our mother was a narcissist who wove her web of harm to me and favoritism to him.  Despite this, I always loved him, I never begrudged him his successes or felt jealous of his money or his life.  I just want him to be happy because he is the first child I ever loved and cared for and I cannot imagine wanting to be (or have)  better than him. He feels like my first child but not.


But now we are apart;  he is still in the dysfunction while I have been through therapy and can  no longer tolerate being hurt by him or our mother so I have had to walk away.  This year seems full of walking-aways.    I feel deep grief and sadness;  I have loved him as long as he has lived, almost 40 years,  and there is a hole in my heart still shaped like him that cannot be filled.  He brushes off  my deep feelings for him and only when we relate on a superficial level does he show a softness to me  when he looks at me and even more when he looks at my children.  Yet when I mention the dysfunction; he grows hard and condescending.  This reaction is not his fault (because of the dysfunction)  but it feels like a knife is turning in a fresh and unhealed wound.  


My baby brother.  I miss you, I love you, why do you have to suffer and why does that suffering mean I cannot relate to you?  Why can't I help you?  This hurts so badly; as though he has died.   Why can't we be close?  Why can't we be friends?  And will the pain  ever go away? 

The light goes on....

The other day I was reading about narcissism.  I began to read about it because I was curious as to how it operates in my life and others' lives.  I came upon a site that listed symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I was horrified to realize that both my parents and my older brother fit most of the listed character traits.  I also found a website for daughters of NPD mothers and the long characteristic descriptions were hauntingly familiar;  my mother was exactly like so many of them.  

The list is here:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration or attention
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Displays an inherent selfishness
• Separates their children into scapegoats and golden child and triangulates their relationships to go only through the parent 
•  
Most of these represent my mother and a lot of them my father and brother.  It is when the affects on the child are listed that things got very disturbing.  I was the scapegoat for my mother so she trained me to supply her with attention, parent her, be her emotional support, see myself as worthless compared to her, and doubt my own intuitions.  I had no privacy, no boundaries, my mother competed with me sexually when I was a young adult, still treats me like the less-than child in the family in so many little ways.  The disorder is so difficult for most outsiders to see that the child is not believed by most people when they try to explain it. It causes very low self esteem, self doubt, enmeshment with the parent, lack of boundaries, relationshop problems and physical problems.  

As I saw my life finally in black and white on the screen and my intuitions  and feelings finally validated I began to cry deep wrenching sobs of relief.  I wasn't crazy or wrong after all.  I wasn't making things up, causing trouble, projecting, or being a bitch.  Instead,  because of the therapy I had been to, I had started to be independent and see her problem but had no name to call it.  And now that I am caring for my dad, I see it in him as well though he was less around to be as destructive as she was.  I also see it in my older brother who also shaped my view of myself. I also see it in my husband's mother and his younger sister who is his mother's golden child.  His dad seems to be an enabler.   

No wonder I felt so safe with my husband;  he was the first person to believe me when I told him about my mother.  I also believed him when he described his mother.  Our mothers display the list differently but they both had enough of the symptoms and characteristics that he and I were damaged.  And our families continue the abuse; he and I have felt like the unloved ones in both families.  

Now I have to work on achieving a sense of self.  I am stopping contact with my mother because the freedom that will allow me and my family sounds wonderful.  I cannot stop contact with my dad yet but I am working on doing that as well.  

I also need to realize that the needy part of me is still there and in need of scrutiny and work.  How to balance this when I have a family and a soon-to-be very busy schedule is going to be difficult.  At least I know where to start and that my life will get better and better as the days and weeks roll on. 

What is a friend?

As an adult Army Brat who traveled a lot and moved every few years, I never  got to keep friends much.  This is something all Global Nomads have in common.  We also don't feel like we fit into any country because we have internalized several.

So I was wondering what the idea of friendship means to me.  I have never really sat down and thought about it but I have a small idea what I think it means.  Problem is, I have no idea if my idea is what it really means to most people or if it is too needy or too detached or just wrong.  I figured I would start with what I am willing to give to a friend and work from there.


I like giving friends my honesty, at least if it doesn't hurt them.  I would try to be as honest about how I feel about them as I can.  That way, they never have to wonder or guess what I feel about them.  If the friend is  a really close one, I want to give them my time, my assistance, my ear to listen, any useful information I may have that could help them (unless it sounds like advice; that may be unwanted) and my physical presence.  That means spending actual physically-there time with them because I know some people  like to actually BE with their friends instead of only relating via the phone  or internet.  I want to be accepting and compassionate, non judging, and easy to talk to.  I want to be sympathetic when they need it and be a supportive person when they are going through tough times. 



What do I want in return? I guess the same as I am willing to give.  I want most of all honesty,  consistency,  and a willingness to make an effort to keep the friendship going.  I know people are busy and I don't get upset if they cannot spend all their time with me but if we live near each other, why shouldn't  we spend time together?  I also don't want the terms of the friendship to be always my way or always their way;  we have to compromise on things.  

The biggest thing I want is integrity.  This means that if we are dealing with each other, we need to have integrity in how we interact.  Wikipedia defines integrity as:  
"Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions. Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of hypocrisy, in that it regards internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.
The word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

A value system's abstraction depth and range of applicable interaction may also function as significant factors in identifying integrity due to their congruence or lack of congruence with observation. A value system may evolve over time while retaining integrity if those who espouse the values account for and resolve inconsistencies.  In a formal study of the term "integrity" and its meaning in modern ethics, law professor Stephen L. Carter sees integrity not only as a refusal to engage in behavior that evades responsibility, but also as an understanding of different modes or styles in which discourse attempts to uncover a particular truth.
Carter writes that integrity requires three steps: "discerning what is right and what is wrong; acting on what you have discerned, even at personal cost; and saying openly that you are acting on your understanding of right from wrong." He regards integrity as being distinct from honesty."


 I include integrity because when relating to people, if you seem to act a certain way and someone asks you about that, you need to be honest with yourself and them and own up to your actions.  In friendships, this is as imperative as it is in any close relationship.  


Are these things too much to ask from someone?  Are these not friendship things? 

Changing

I am changing.  This past year has been amazing.  I met a wonderful friend who taught me things I wouldn't have known otherwise.  Though she is more than ten years younger than I, I learned so much from her.  As  result of her and other people as well as inner changes that are coming (Chiron Return, soon) I have made a lot of changes in my life.

The first change was in how I spend my time.  Last year, I would get up, do my class work and if I had time, I would teach my son or help my daughters with school.  Meals were not cooked, life was hectic, the kids suffered and I felt totally out of control and inadequate.  My friend's life of just being a wife and stay-at-home mom seemed out of reach but oh so attractive to me.  This year, I changed my schedule.  Now I do my classwork in the early mornings (after taking some time for myself) and then spend my time with my son when he awakens.  I spend time with my daughters during the day and get dinner on time.  I spend evenings with my husband too.  What changed?  I spend a lot less time doing my school work.  I no longer care if I get "A's" in those classes because doing that took away from the people I love the most and caused me awful angst and tension.  As long as I pass each class, that's good enough.

The second thing I did was I started a diet that is controversial but tweaked it to be healthy and work for me.  I began deliberately losing weight for the first time.  I have lost 110 lbs since May 14th and I feel so much better. I still have 100 lbs to lose yet  I feel sexier, my husband and I fit better in bed,  and the sex has gotten hotter and deeper than ever.  I feel my feelings now too and they are overwhelming me sometimes.  Food used to squelch my feelings;  now I eat so little of it that I feel everything.  Going through menopause and feeling everything makes me weepy.  I am also feeling the return of my old sexual self with this weight loss; this makes me nervous sometimes.  I feel a sense of self too;  for so long I was this non-self and now my kids are going crazy because suddenly Mom is acting like an emotional, energetic, assertive, but rational teenager.

Another change I have been making is that I am trying to understand my feelings; about myself, my husband, my kids, and those people in my life who I think of as friends.  There are people I have emotional connections with and I am trying to honestly explore those connections.  I no longer hide what I feel about them; I have told them.  Some have let me know that they feel the same about me but some elude me and I have to think that they either don't feel the same about me or they do but are not willing (or able) to deal with that right now.  I am less afraid of rejection;  perhaps having some new, close  friends has helped me with that.  In my openness, I have also been honest about my feelings to my husband.  To my surprise, he was not upset about these.  He holds my vulnerable heart gently and with wise caring.  I have always felt very deep feelings for him and, unlike so many people, he is able to handle these.  In fact, I have found that I am a very intense, passionate person; many people are just not able to handle that and I have been bereft of friendships for a long time because I seem so different to people who haven't that intensity or depth. 

One of the hardest changes I have made is about my sexuality.  I have finally been able to again ask for what I want with my husband in a vulnerable but not demanding way.  I used to be very assertive about sex but after marrying my husband, I found him saying no to my requests so much that I felt rejected and stopped initiating  at all.   When we talked about it, he said he felt pressured to perform.  I wondered why every man I have a long-term relationship with always liked sex a lot less than I did.  I felt like it was something  in me they were rejecting, or that I was somehow abnormal in my desire for sex.  I felt hurt and angry.  

Much later, we found out that he has had low testosterone for years.  After getting treatment for it,  things got a little better but it wasn't until I had my son that things really changed;  now I suddenly felt a huge drop in desire and it didn't come back even after a few years had gone by.   I began eating more, we both got fat and we stopped having sex at all.  Finally, my husband sensed the huge change in me and he realized what he was missing.  Finally he started wanting me but it was a bit too late;  I was not feeling desire at all.  Instead I felt humiliated, demoralized and angry.  I began picking on him regularly and he felt angry then, too. 

One day, I was wondering if my teen daughters had ADD; I began reading the symptoms and I realized that my husband had almost all of them.  Suddenly I wasn't so angry anymore.  It explained so much.  I began talking to him about it and he decided to seek a diagnosis and maybe treatment for it.  I stopped picking on him.  He and I were in the nurse's office one day when she told him that he is hurting me because he keeps allowing me to carry too much of the thinking and remembering in the relationship.  I was amazed that she could see that and I began to cry before I could stop it.  He was totally surprised;  even though I had told him I felt  that way, he hadn't seen it until someone else said she saw it too.  She said he needed to take more responsibility for his actions toward me and that doing that would help me feel less pain and anger.  It was like he realized just how much he had been hurting me,  even if unintentionally.  We left that office and both of us changed.  Now we are closer than ever and feeling much better about ourselves and our relationship. 

Both my husband and I also began reading a book given to me which was about the Law of Attraction.  As a realist, I don't fully believe in that in the way it is being taught. The universe Source may be able to give you whatever you want but sometimes it is better for you when it doesn't and you experience misfortune, it is not because you were not clear enough or open enough (which is blaming the victim of that misfortune and thus marginalizing them); it is because you need to have challenges or you don't grow.  We did believe in the positive thinking part so we made an effort to be more positive in our lives and it has helped both of us be more relaxed and open to change.  We have made a five year plan and a ten year plan and we have chosen to make real changes in areas that we need to make changes.  We both feel like gratitude is very important in how we see our lives; living in a state of gratitude means not always seeing only the negative. 

So many changes in just one year.  There are still more to come and I look forward to them all. 

Monogamy?

I have heard some say that monogamy must always be an imbalanced relationship where people deny themselves their real selves for games and power plays. Or that if one is monogamous; they are somehow denying some part of themselves. Here’s why for some these things are just not so.

Though I slept around a lot in my twenties, whenever I had a relationship with someone, I stopped wanting anyone else. This was not because of my partner’s jealousy or possessiveness or out of some sort of feeling that I owed him that; it stemmed from the fact that sleeping around and feeling deep attachment and love for a person are very different things for me. This is not to imply that poly people are that way because they just want to sleep around; it has to do with the nature of relating. When sleeping around, my feelings were not that involved; that’s not to say I didn’t have a deep empathic and compassionate intimacy with the men I slept with because I did. It means I didn’t have that very intricate connection that happens whenever I am in a love relationship with someone.

Love relationships have so much more depth and complexity than the sleeping around relationships do; this is why I am monogamous. I feel that I am not wired for more than one complex, sexual, love relationship at a time. I am sure that some people are wired for that but I am just not one of them. The idea of having to deal with a deep and elaborate relationship with more than one person sounds like more work than I want to deal with. Now that I have children, I have different relationships with them but these are also complex and require a lot of emotional and mental work on my part; I don’t have any more room in me for adding another person with their needs, wants, quirks, and all the compromise and emotional work that would take. Deep loving relationships are complicated at times and I have to say it; I just don’t want to be more involved than I already am  in the one intimate relationship. It is taking a lifetime to understand myself and my husband and that’s enough for me. It is as simple as some people prefer chocolate and some prefer vanilla.

So next time a poly oriented person comes across someone like me that prefers being monogamous, I hope they understand that it isn’t about game playing, subjugation, suppression of our desires or anything like that. A lot of monogamous people just don’t want to do the work it takes to relate to more than one person at a time. We have enough complexity in our lives and prefer dealing with only one person.