Monday, January 30, 2012

Absolutes for breakfast

I am, for the most part, a gray-area person.  This means I don't usually ascribe to absolutes much because humanity is full of diverse folks for which absolutes do not fit.  Having said that I should also say that there are some things that, as I get older and more experienced, I see do have some absolutes.  I think the same gray area focus needs to be applied to this issue.  In other words, to say there should be no absolutes is just as absolutist as  the absolutes themselves.

What on earth am I getting at?  Most gray-area thinkers will not consider the possibility that there may be some absolutes in life; they just cannot fathom that.  Yet in their unwillingness to see that it is a possibility, they are just as entrenched as the absolutists.  Real open-minded  living means being open to ALL possibilities, including absolutes.  What a concept!

For example, it is all the rage to pressure people to be open about things that they may not feel comfortable with.  The folks who have open minds often begin polarizing themselves into a sort of "if you are not open-minded like us, you are inferior."  There is an absolute in that belief because it leaves no room for and/or.  It is not an inclusive belief. 

What is an absolute I have experienced?  There may be a lot of love to go around but only so much time and time IS love  to most people.  Yep, People can have love enough to go around for everyone but time is finite and every time you add another person (like having another child for example) or another interest,  the time available to everyone gets smaller per person.  And most children and people see time as love so they begin to resent that change in the amount of time they get.   They perceive that smaller slice of time as being a smaller slice of love. 

This is where jealousy kicks in and rears its head.   Jealousy is the natural feeling that you are missing something you feel you deserve and that someone, (or something)  else is getting what you believe is rightfully yours.  When it comes to time=love, their feelings make sense.  Jealousy is not a dirty word then but an outward emotion of the inner knowledge of a shrinking amount of time=love. Making the jealous person feel guilty about their feelings only makes things worse.

Let's be real; less time IS less time and it feels like less love even if it doesn't mean that.  The feeling is legitimate and no one should be made to feel guilty for feeling it.  No matter how much you explain that there is enough love to go around, people inherently know we all spend more time with (and on) those people (and interests) we care about.  We can say there's enough love until the cows come home but it will not make any difference to the people involved; they are not  fooled.   They KNOW they are getting less of something important.

  Now that I have said what I see as an absolute, let the rebuttals and arguments begin. 









More is better?

 Some people seem content with their lives and themselves for the most part and others seem to have an inner restlessness and neediness. 

When I was growing up, my brother and I were very different.  I was happy with what I had, with the attention I got from our parents and with life in general for the most part.  He was never satisfied with what he got, with the attention he was given and with his life in general.  This made him restless, jealous, unhappy and malcontent all the time.  If our mother gave us two cookies, I was happy to get two cookies but he argued for more.  If she spent time with him and gave him attention, he needed more.  He needed so much that she often felt exhausted by his needs and said that out loud.

This is not totally a learned trait.  I know this because I see it in my own children.  One is a lot like my brother; no matter how much attention or things she gets, she seems to need more.  The other is contented and happy with herself and her life.   I fear the first  will never be happy.  People like that are never satisfied no matter how much they have or how much attention they get.  There are arguments which say  that such people are the ones who do great things because they are not content  with things as they are.  Perhaps that is so but at what personal, happiness price do they accomplish such things?

As a parent, I wish happiness for my children.  Of course I know they will not be happy all the time but what parent would wish to sit back and see their child suffer unhappiness?  I cannot do anything about it but I wish there were some way to help.

Some people are not malcontent but ADD.  ADD causes people to be restless and  always seeking novelty to reduce boredom.  

Malcontents and ADD folks not only feel unhappy, they often induce unhappiness in others.  When a malcontent or ADD person   marries a contented, non-ADD  person, there can be problems.  The malcontent/ADD  may desire location changes a lot or job changes or partner changes.  This causes a lot of misery for the contented partner and the children because children need stability.

Too often, a malcontent/ADD person marries a contented person because opposites attract and the contented person is not as likely to leave or cheat.  The contented person ends up hurt because the malcontent/ADD person never seems satisfied no matter what the contented person is or does.  It is really important for the contented person to realize that it isn't them;  they cannot make their malcomtented/ADD partner happy.

Malcontents and ADD people  have to be made responsible for their actions; especially those which are harmful to others such as cheating.  The old "if you love me you will let me" is bullshit and the worst kind of emotional manipulation.  Using ADD or malcontent as an excuse is not healthy.  People get hurt, children get damaged and the malcontent/ADD person should be able to consider others' needs as well as their own and work for balance.

Our society helps induce a sense of malcontent.  The media plays a role in this because people are told they would be happier if they bought this product or lived this lifestyle when in fact, the opposite is usually true.  We are surrounded by messages that tell us we never have enough; enough money, time, attention, sex, love, house, prestige, etc.   So even if a person is not genetically malcontent or ADD, they still may act like that due to social conditioning which was designed to sell products and promote consumption.

This way of socializing people begins in childhood and is a non-stop bombardment throughout life.  Between this bombardment and the social message that the individual is all-important (as opposed to the group or family); we have become a culture of malcontents.  The fallout is that our children are damaged and unhappy.

Whether it is from genetics or socialization, the malcontent has to stop or at least be managed better.  Our families, relationships, and especially our kids need a better way to live.










A change for the better


I have three daughters.  They are 19, 19 and almost 17.  They have always been  insightful and intuitive.  Recently, they noticed that most all of their age cohort friends are “coming out” as either gay, lesbian,  or bisexual.  These are kids they have known since grade school.   My daughters are not anti anything so they are not disturbed by their friends coming out but they have noticed it as a sort of trend.  The sheer numbers of age cohorts here now self-identifying as either gay, lesbian, or bi is amazing.  My daughters asked me, “Mom are all these kids really gay, lesbian,  or bi or is it just a fad?”  

I replied that if the kids say they are then we should take their word for it.  One daughter said she felt it was  a fad because it was now seen as cool to come out as gay, lesbian,  or bi in our area.  I cannot say if she is right or not.   So many of  her Facebook friends have come out as gay, lesbian, or bi  and they are not afraid of censure  it seems.  

What I do know is this, if these kids are what they say they are (and I firmly believe they are)  then there are far more openly gay and lesbian and bisexual people than anyone imagined and they are not as afraid to be open about it because their age cohort isn’t as homophobic as older generations have been.  Both are a good thing in my book. 

Even if it were  a fad, that it could be a fad is a huge change from the old way of seeing gayness, lesbianism, and bisexuality as a negative thing.  The younger generation has it right;  be what you are and accept others for who and what they are.  Life is too short to judge and condemn.