Why is it....

that I cannot just enjoy being the mother of my children like I so want to do?  I long to have carefree days with hours to spend with my kids, exploring life, doing the housekeeping and homemaker stuff that I was able to do before.   When I had my daughters, I had some years of doing all that and I LOVED every minute of it.  Then I had to work at home as an apartment manager and I felt that year I shortchanged myself, my husband and my kids most of all just to keep a roof over our heads. 


Now that I have another young child at home (my son) along with the three now-teenagers daughters, I have to work again because of the economic reality of my husband being laid off.  Instead of working outside the home on someone else's schedule with only a paycheck to show for it, I went back to school to get a degree.  This brings in student loan money and grants to live on and I take online classes in order to be more available to my kids.  Yet just like that year that I was managing apartments, these classes are taking up to 30 hours a week or more of my time.  I am again shortchanging myself, my husband and worst of all, my kids AGAIN. 


I just want to be able to take the time to plan and cook wonderful meals for them instead of always feeling rushed and behind.  I want to enjoy spending time homeschooling my kids instead of feeling like I can only do a little; barely enough to get by.  I want to be a full-time mother and housewife but instead I am forced to be those part -time. 


I know many people will tell me to suck it up and stop complaining but this is my blog and the place where I can vent my innermost feelings.  I have felt called to a career in mothering and housewifely arts just like a priest is called to be a priest or a doctor is called to heal people.  Why can't I be what I am meant to be 100 percent? 


I miss those days of just being Mom and homekeeper.  My kids never get enough of my time now and I miss having that time with them.  My oldest two will be 18 this year.....time waits for no one to get financially stable and kids keep growing no matter what we have to do. 


Being a housewife and mother is such a joy to me that I feel the loss of being  unable to devote myself to it full time. 


I wish my husband could get a teaching job with just enough that I could stop needing the student aid to live on so I could go down to part time classes.  I wish I could quit taking classes altogether.  I love learning but on a slower pace so my kids don't have to live without my time and attention.

About community-making....

My friend the Atheist and I were talking the other day about community-making.  We both have been very puzzled about something.  Why is it that religious people seem to be able to form such close community groups but people that are secular and/or  spiritual can't?  The local homeschool group we belong to is secular so the people in it are getting together just for the homeschooling yet they resisted forming a lending library amongst themselves, hardly show up to events that members schedule and just seem to avoid any sense of community altogether. We live in difficult times and my friend and I have realized just how much community means to us but we cannot seem to find others that feel the same.  Our society has become so extremely individualized and polarized that people just don't seem to want to get together....unless they follow some religion.  Do we have to accept "the package"  of some religion in order to get community, even if it means not being true to ourselves and our belief or non-belief?

 Last December, I was appointed to the job  of arranging the  group charity in which we "adopt" a needy family and donate food, paper and soap goods, clothing, money and gifts for the family.  My friend and I hoped we could make this a real fun community event.  Out of 62 families on our group e-mail list, nine responded and we raised a lot of food, paper stuff, money, and gave a lot of gifts for the family.  I scheduled a meeting place for free with three hours for wrapping the gifts and socializing.  One of the leaders of our group even said "Oh good, I love a party, lets bring food and drinks and celebrate after we wrap the gifts."   Yet when we all got there, they couldn't wrap the gifts fast enough and then left right after it was done.  There was still over and hour left that we had for the meeting space and everyone was gone but my friend and I.  Even the leader that had seemed so happy about the "party"  element of the wrapping left early.

My friend's neighbor is religious and has such a community feeling about her.  It is really sad that in order to get some community you have to convert to a religion and join their church or synagogue or whatever in order to belong to a community.  Why can't atheists and just plain spiritual people not get together for purposes of community without a religious belief cementing them together?  Why isn't just being a community of friends enough?  My friend and I tried to build a community around secular homeschooling ....we really did but for some reason, it just didn't happen.  What a shame because now, we are all going to need each other more than ever; especially those that are not religiously affiliated. 

Friends and making community.

I am losing a friend this week.  We will still be friends but she is moving away.  I know, there's Facebook and e-mail but it isn't the same.  This wonderful friend was one of the very few I could be my intelligent self with.  She is intelligent too so we could talk fast and furious about so many deep things.  We cared about each other, too.  She and I tried so hard to get the non-religious homeschool families to form a caring, cooperative community but no one seemed to want to.  We tried for a year.  We only met, she and I, a  bit over a year ago via e-mail when she inquired about the local homeschool groups and I sent her a huge bunch of e-mails telling all about my city, my state, the things to do here, the groups here, the ins and outs of this area and the feel of it.  I even helped her find a house to rent in a good neighborhood; all before we even met. When we did meet, we were just nice and polite and friendly but as she said things and I said things, we both realized that we were both intelligent women that have been mistreated for that intelligence.  She came here with her family because they were going to see if they wanted to move here but as things turned out, they couldn't afford to stay because their house back east wouldn't sell and her husband's company was bought out by another so his job is a bit precarious now.  He is also intelligent and soft spoken, a kind man that loves his smart wife and their kids and animals.  He and my husband got along too. 

I feel bereft because even though she sometimes seemed to want more time from me than I had to give because of my full time college classes,  I still love her kindness, her optimism, her positive outlook, her openmindedness and her compassion.  It is hard to believe we have only been friends for a year.  She is like the sister I never had;  fun, loving, serious,  I can talk to her, she drives me crazy sometimes because we are different but we love each other.  I have never had a friend like that in my life...until now.  I have two friends like that now but she is the one that shares my political, spiritual and social views.  Her name is Rachell and I do miss her so much. 

Her leaving is just one of a chain of events that has happened since last fall that has me feeling sad.  Some homeschool friends put their kids into public school which means we won't see them anymore at the weekly P E days I organized.  The city has stopped the trains that come through from blowing their horns anymore;  I will miss that sound so much.  My friend is moving  away.  The school district won't be hiring so even though my husband is finishing his MEd with certification student teaching this semester, we will probably have to move away for a job.  We have lived here for 12 years...the longest I have  ever lived anywhere in my life and it feels like home.

I miss my friend and it hurts to know she is far away.