Things I have learned in my life:
being an aware person means being treated like crap sometimes because others are not as aware or they resent me for being aware
being happy means being resented; others have resented me because I have a happy marriage and family life
being smart is also resented; people resent me for being smart.
My astrologer read my chart before she got to know me. She told me that I would have trouble making and keeping friends and that my reason for being in this life was to be an example to others. In some things I would actively and consciously share knowledge and in others, just being myself would piss off people because I am a perfectionist who is willing to work harder, longer, more carefully, and with more conscious thought than most people. She said I would always be more aware, be a step (or several steps) ahead of people and they would resent me for that. Just being myself pisses them off because they will feel like I am trying to show them up when the truth is, I am just trying to live up to an inner standard I have set for myself. She said they will resent me because they are unwilling (or not conscious enough) to set the same high standards for themselves or to work for them so they will see me and feel less around me and resent me for it.
I asked her why they wouldn't just do the same thing I do when I see someone who does it or knows it better than I; learn from them and improve. She said they are lazy and don't want to do that; society has made it so that it is all about looking like one is on top whether they are or not. Appearances are more important than substance so rather than admit to themselves that they need to learn something, they resent the person who knows more.
She also said the irony is, I would never feel like I was better than or smarter than others because I have this list of my flaws that is very long (she was right about that) and deep compassion for others but less so for myself. She said I have a deep need for love and approval. So when people accuse me of acting like I know more than they do or of being bossy or showing off, it will always hurts me because I just don't feel that at all; I feel always inadequate compared to others.
This means I will feel betrayed by people I have become close to because they will sometimes say I am being too pushy or too bossy or acting like I think I am better than they are. This happens again and again; just as that astrologer said it would. It hurts me deeply when it happens from people I trust or love.
Another life lesson I have learned is how groups act. Whenever I am in any group, I watch everyone and notice the niches they each choose (or are forced ) into. I see the categories they inhabit; the leader ones, the gentle sensitive ones, the blunt ones, the critical ones, the sassy ones. I tend to fall into the compassionate niche but sometimes I also share knowledge. I have found that once a person occupies a niche either they put themselves into or others placed them in, they cannot deviate from it AT ALL or the group makes sure they know they have deviated. The group is usually unaware of these dynamics; they just react and pressure the person to get back into their expected behavior. I see "the blunt one" get a free pass to be so but if anyone else does that they get scolded or told that they are being "harsh" or "negative."
I watch people's actions, not just their words. If I assume the group is that unaware or a person is that unaware, that is based on their actions and words. I read their posts saying what they are doing or thinking and I see the lack of conscious awareness of themselves and others. Does that ability to see it make me a bad person? I didn't ask for this ability to see that. Or sometimes, I see an aware person compromised by some life-changing event in their life. I didn't speak up once when I saw a train-wreck about to happen and sure enough, the train wreck happened and the person suffered in several ways. I felt guilty for not speaking up but the reason I didn't speak up was because I watched the group and noticed that none of them did so and I didn't want to be the messenger everyone hates. So my choices were to remain quiet and watch someone I love suffer badly or speak up and be lambasted by the group. I chose the former and now have guilt because of that. This time I chose the latter and I am paying for it. Either way I pay. This sucks.
This kind of unfairness drives me crazy. I have been on the receiving end of that unfairness and it hurts.
I rarely have friends I feel I can trust my deepest self with. I am a part of a group of women that, after 17 years or so, I felt I could mostly trust to be myself with. Mostly; never totally because of the damage I have lived with my whole life and my own awareness of my many flaws. This group also has people in niches. I feel close to them; closer than to anyone I have ever been close to except my husband. Yet I am always a little afraid, too because I think that at any time they will turn on me because this has happened to me before. So I never feel totally accepted but I do feel more accepted with this group than with any other friends before. Until this week.
I made some comments that were more blunt than usual and apparently some of the members went to "the leader" and mentioned that I was being "negative' lately. They didn't come to me in private and ask what is up with me; which is what I would have done for them had the tables been turned. They asked "the leader" who in turn asked me what was up because I was being negative. She went on to say I was coming off as though I didn't trust the other member to be smart enough. I was coming off as though I knew better; I was hovering and acting like a mother. There it is again; that same accusation of me acting like I an better than others. Despite my explaining myself and my public apology, I felt hurt. Even more so when another person posted similar things but that was ok. When I found out that several members had come to the "leader" about me, I felt betrayed. I still feel betrayed.
People I thought of as smart, compassionate, and trustworthy now seem petty and hurtful. Yes, they probably still care about me and they had my best at heart but it still hurts that there is a double standard and that they didn't just ask me what was up (each one individually) instead of going to 'the leader" about it. Nor did they cut me the same slack they cut others in the group who have been equally blunt at times or even harsh. That's unfair.
Now I feel as though I cannot be helpful, share information, or give any advice even though the others do that. Apparently I do it in an insulting way. Others have been harsh to me but I just let it go because I realized they were probably having a bad week or day and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Where was that same slack for me? I don't feel like I am accepted in this group; maybe I never really was. Maybe they do love me but to get that love I feel I have to be what they expect me to be. Where is the awareness of my feelings in the group? I feel judged in the group. I already have trust issues; now I don't feel the same trust with this group as I did.
People don't want knowledge or help. I just have to remind myself of that I guess. Feeling marginalized really hurts. No wonder my kids feel less and less like they want to be around people. People don't want to be aware, don't want to be thoughtful, don't want to learn or know. They seem to prefer to unconsciously coast along for the most part. I wish I could be like that sometimes; it would be a lot less painful not knowing or seeing.
being an aware person means being treated like crap sometimes because others are not as aware or they resent me for being aware
being happy means being resented; others have resented me because I have a happy marriage and family life
being smart is also resented; people resent me for being smart.
My astrologer read my chart before she got to know me. She told me that I would have trouble making and keeping friends and that my reason for being in this life was to be an example to others. In some things I would actively and consciously share knowledge and in others, just being myself would piss off people because I am a perfectionist who is willing to work harder, longer, more carefully, and with more conscious thought than most people. She said I would always be more aware, be a step (or several steps) ahead of people and they would resent me for that. Just being myself pisses them off because they will feel like I am trying to show them up when the truth is, I am just trying to live up to an inner standard I have set for myself. She said they will resent me because they are unwilling (or not conscious enough) to set the same high standards for themselves or to work for them so they will see me and feel less around me and resent me for it.
I asked her why they wouldn't just do the same thing I do when I see someone who does it or knows it better than I; learn from them and improve. She said they are lazy and don't want to do that; society has made it so that it is all about looking like one is on top whether they are or not. Appearances are more important than substance so rather than admit to themselves that they need to learn something, they resent the person who knows more.
She also said the irony is, I would never feel like I was better than or smarter than others because I have this list of my flaws that is very long (she was right about that) and deep compassion for others but less so for myself. She said I have a deep need for love and approval. So when people accuse me of acting like I know more than they do or of being bossy or showing off, it will always hurts me because I just don't feel that at all; I feel always inadequate compared to others.
This means I will feel betrayed by people I have become close to because they will sometimes say I am being too pushy or too bossy or acting like I think I am better than they are. This happens again and again; just as that astrologer said it would. It hurts me deeply when it happens from people I trust or love.
Another life lesson I have learned is how groups act. Whenever I am in any group, I watch everyone and notice the niches they each choose (or are forced ) into. I see the categories they inhabit; the leader ones, the gentle sensitive ones, the blunt ones, the critical ones, the sassy ones. I tend to fall into the compassionate niche but sometimes I also share knowledge. I have found that once a person occupies a niche either they put themselves into or others placed them in, they cannot deviate from it AT ALL or the group makes sure they know they have deviated. The group is usually unaware of these dynamics; they just react and pressure the person to get back into their expected behavior. I see "the blunt one" get a free pass to be so but if anyone else does that they get scolded or told that they are being "harsh" or "negative."
I watch people's actions, not just their words. If I assume the group is that unaware or a person is that unaware, that is based on their actions and words. I read their posts saying what they are doing or thinking and I see the lack of conscious awareness of themselves and others. Does that ability to see it make me a bad person? I didn't ask for this ability to see that. Or sometimes, I see an aware person compromised by some life-changing event in their life. I didn't speak up once when I saw a train-wreck about to happen and sure enough, the train wreck happened and the person suffered in several ways. I felt guilty for not speaking up but the reason I didn't speak up was because I watched the group and noticed that none of them did so and I didn't want to be the messenger everyone hates. So my choices were to remain quiet and watch someone I love suffer badly or speak up and be lambasted by the group. I chose the former and now have guilt because of that. This time I chose the latter and I am paying for it. Either way I pay. This sucks.
This kind of unfairness drives me crazy. I have been on the receiving end of that unfairness and it hurts.
I rarely have friends I feel I can trust my deepest self with. I am a part of a group of women that, after 17 years or so, I felt I could mostly trust to be myself with. Mostly; never totally because of the damage I have lived with my whole life and my own awareness of my many flaws. This group also has people in niches. I feel close to them; closer than to anyone I have ever been close to except my husband. Yet I am always a little afraid, too because I think that at any time they will turn on me because this has happened to me before. So I never feel totally accepted but I do feel more accepted with this group than with any other friends before. Until this week.
I made some comments that were more blunt than usual and apparently some of the members went to "the leader" and mentioned that I was being "negative' lately. They didn't come to me in private and ask what is up with me; which is what I would have done for them had the tables been turned. They asked "the leader" who in turn asked me what was up because I was being negative. She went on to say I was coming off as though I didn't trust the other member to be smart enough. I was coming off as though I knew better; I was hovering and acting like a mother. There it is again; that same accusation of me acting like I an better than others. Despite my explaining myself and my public apology, I felt hurt. Even more so when another person posted similar things but that was ok. When I found out that several members had come to the "leader" about me, I felt betrayed. I still feel betrayed.
People I thought of as smart, compassionate, and trustworthy now seem petty and hurtful. Yes, they probably still care about me and they had my best at heart but it still hurts that there is a double standard and that they didn't just ask me what was up (each one individually) instead of going to 'the leader" about it. Nor did they cut me the same slack they cut others in the group who have been equally blunt at times or even harsh. That's unfair.
Now I feel as though I cannot be helpful, share information, or give any advice even though the others do that. Apparently I do it in an insulting way. Others have been harsh to me but I just let it go because I realized they were probably having a bad week or day and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Where was that same slack for me? I don't feel like I am accepted in this group; maybe I never really was. Maybe they do love me but to get that love I feel I have to be what they expect me to be. Where is the awareness of my feelings in the group? I feel judged in the group. I already have trust issues; now I don't feel the same trust with this group as I did.
People don't want knowledge or help. I just have to remind myself of that I guess. Feeling marginalized really hurts. No wonder my kids feel less and less like they want to be around people. People don't want to be aware, don't want to be thoughtful, don't want to learn or know. They seem to prefer to unconsciously coast along for the most part. I wish I could be like that sometimes; it would be a lot less painful not knowing or seeing.
