What is a friend?

As an adult Army Brat who traveled a lot and moved every few years, I never  got to keep friends much.  This is something all Global Nomads have in common.  We also don't feel like we fit into any country because we have internalized several.

So I was wondering what the idea of friendship means to me.  I have never really sat down and thought about it but I have a small idea what I think it means.  Problem is, I have no idea if my idea is what it really means to most people or if it is too needy or too detached or just wrong.  I figured I would start with what I am willing to give to a friend and work from there.


I like giving friends my honesty, at least if it doesn't hurt them.  I would try to be as honest about how I feel about them as I can.  That way, they never have to wonder or guess what I feel about them.  If the friend is  a really close one, I want to give them my time, my assistance, my ear to listen, any useful information I may have that could help them (unless it sounds like advice; that may be unwanted) and my physical presence.  That means spending actual physically-there time with them because I know some people  like to actually BE with their friends instead of only relating via the phone  or internet.  I want to be accepting and compassionate, non judging, and easy to talk to.  I want to be sympathetic when they need it and be a supportive person when they are going through tough times. 



What do I want in return? I guess the same as I am willing to give.  I want most of all honesty,  consistency,  and a willingness to make an effort to keep the friendship going.  I know people are busy and I don't get upset if they cannot spend all their time with me but if we live near each other, why shouldn't  we spend time together?  I also don't want the terms of the friendship to be always my way or always their way;  we have to compromise on things.  

The biggest thing I want is integrity.  This means that if we are dealing with each other, we need to have integrity in how we interact.  Wikipedia defines integrity as:  
"Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions. Integrity can be regarded as the opposite of hypocrisy, in that it regards internal consistency as a virtue, and suggests that parties holding apparently conflicting values should account for the discrepancy or alter their beliefs.
The word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

A value system's abstraction depth and range of applicable interaction may also function as significant factors in identifying integrity due to their congruence or lack of congruence with observation. A value system may evolve over time while retaining integrity if those who espouse the values account for and resolve inconsistencies.  In a formal study of the term "integrity" and its meaning in modern ethics, law professor Stephen L. Carter sees integrity not only as a refusal to engage in behavior that evades responsibility, but also as an understanding of different modes or styles in which discourse attempts to uncover a particular truth.
Carter writes that integrity requires three steps: "discerning what is right and what is wrong; acting on what you have discerned, even at personal cost; and saying openly that you are acting on your understanding of right from wrong." He regards integrity as being distinct from honesty."


 I include integrity because when relating to people, if you seem to act a certain way and someone asks you about that, you need to be honest with yourself and them and own up to your actions.  In friendships, this is as imperative as it is in any close relationship.  


Are these things too much to ask from someone?  Are these not friendship things? 

entitlement issues

An aquaintence  recently started ragging on about people that are not working  who get government welfare and fat tax refunds.  She was upset because she and her husband had to pay more taxes this year than the last while some unemployed people are getting welfare and tax refunds paid for by her taxes.  She said those welfare people are making a "lifestyle choice" and was saying they should be cut off from their government help.  She went further and said student loans should go directly to the school and that all students should be forced to live on campus. 


She has never been laid off nor has her husband so she has NO CLUE what the double digit unemployment means to real people in this country that are having to try to feed and clothe themselves and their children.  She is one of the many lucky people that have had it fairly easy.  Because they have not suffered the job losses and downsizing, these lucky people have a lack of  compassion. They are unwilling to see that they are lucky; instead they have a sense of superiority that is unfounded.  They are just LUCKY and that's it.  Luck is an unfair thing and people in this country are unwilling to admit that they have luck because we have been brainwashed from birth to believe that "you can make your own destiny."  That is the biggest lie; right up there with the "be yourself" lie. 

It is time for those lies to STOP.  People that are successful are not successful only because of hard work and effort;  if that were so millions more people would be successful than actually are.  People that are unsuccessful are not so because they are inherently lazy or flawed;  they aren't.  The truth is, hard work is not always rewarded;  I have seen that  and experienced that all my life.  People like that aquaintence need a real hard awakening in life or they will never see.  We are a nation that blames the very people that need help the most;  we do that so we don't have to help them because people are greedy and stingy.  People don't want to give.  This is, unfortunately,  the American way.  That is unfortunate and a tragedy for those millions of families that are barely living and those that are homeless and hungry through no fault of their own. 

The working poor comprise the largest segment of welfare recipients and there are even more working poor that don't qualify for welfare benefits because they "make too much"  according to government poverty guidelines that never take into account the area in which they live or the differences in cost of living.  These are the people that cannot "just move somewhere else affordable"  because they have no savings.  They don't make enough to cover all expenses so they have to decide between paying rent and feeding their kids.  Even working two and three jobs doesn't cover daycare expenses, shelter, food, clothing, paper goods, gas and insurance or other transportation costs.  I challenge people like that aquaintence to live on the government poverty level income with her two kids and see if she can do it.  I know she can't. 

If this aquaintence would just educate herself, she might realize that for the majority of welfare recipients, it is not a "lifestyle choice" for who would choose to see their kids go hungry or without health care or without the basics?