The light goes on....

The other day I was reading about narcissism.  I began to read about it because I was curious as to how it operates in my life and others' lives.  I came upon a site that listed symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I was horrified to realize that both my parents and my older brother fit most of the listed character traits.  I also found a website for daughters of NPD mothers and the long characteristic descriptions were hauntingly familiar;  my mother was exactly like so many of them.  

The list is here:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration or attention
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Displays an inherent selfishness
• Separates their children into scapegoats and golden child and triangulates their relationships to go only through the parent 
•  
Most of these represent my mother and a lot of them my father and brother.  It is when the affects on the child are listed that things got very disturbing.  I was the scapegoat for my mother so she trained me to supply her with attention, parent her, be her emotional support, see myself as worthless compared to her, and doubt my own intuitions.  I had no privacy, no boundaries, my mother competed with me sexually when I was a young adult, still treats me like the less-than child in the family in so many little ways.  The disorder is so difficult for most outsiders to see that the child is not believed by most people when they try to explain it. It causes very low self esteem, self doubt, enmeshment with the parent, lack of boundaries, relationshop problems and physical problems.  

As I saw my life finally in black and white on the screen and my intuitions  and feelings finally validated I began to cry deep wrenching sobs of relief.  I wasn't crazy or wrong after all.  I wasn't making things up, causing trouble, projecting, or being a bitch.  Instead,  because of the therapy I had been to, I had started to be independent and see her problem but had no name to call it.  And now that I am caring for my dad, I see it in him as well though he was less around to be as destructive as she was.  I also see it in my older brother who also shaped my view of myself. I also see it in my husband's mother and his younger sister who is his mother's golden child.  His dad seems to be an enabler.   

No wonder I felt so safe with my husband;  he was the first person to believe me when I told him about my mother.  I also believed him when he described his mother.  Our mothers display the list differently but they both had enough of the symptoms and characteristics that he and I were damaged.  And our families continue the abuse; he and I have felt like the unloved ones in both families.  

Now I have to work on achieving a sense of self.  I am stopping contact with my mother because the freedom that will allow me and my family sounds wonderful.  I cannot stop contact with my dad yet but I am working on doing that as well.  

I also need to realize that the needy part of me is still there and in need of scrutiny and work.  How to balance this when I have a family and a soon-to-be very busy schedule is going to be difficult.  At least I know where to start and that my life will get better and better as the days and weeks roll on. 

parents can be painful....or how Chiron return hurts

:::emotional rant font on:::::Today I had the usual long mental list of what I should be doing: making lessons for my son, working on my online assignments for my classes, getting the mail out, writing a thank you note, writing my credit union board in the hopes they wouldn't close the local branch and more.  Instead, I find myself having crying jags.  It comes from a deep wound from my past that has resurfaced. 

I was always the empathic kid that didn't ask for anything..the youngest child until I was 12 and then the middle child and only girl.  I am the classic guilted daughter.  Last year, my father informed me that if his wife passes on before him, he will give me half of everything he has when he goes and the other half would go to her son.  Her son is already the executor if his will.  Her son has no children;  I have my father's only acknowledged  four grandchildren (I say acknowledged because he adopted my younger half-brother but refuses to call him son now that he is grown).  That means my kids, his only grand kids will get less than what her son gets because he would get half of my Dad's money and property plus the nice big chunk executors get (and my grandmother said that it will be a sizable chunk).  In essence, her son will get more than his own flesh and blood only daughter.  God that hurts.   It isn't the first time my dad has hurt me.  This hurts far more than it would have were I childless.  I don't care for myself, I care because I have four children and between my grandmother (his mom) and my dad, there will be a sizable inheritance. 

I know why he is doing this...it is to please his wife.  The same wife that is so unwilling to share him that he missed my older brother's wedding (that brother passed away  in 2008), my wedding, my younger brother's wedding, and my older brother's funeral.  He has seen his only grandchildren a handful of times and only two of those times were because he made the efort to see them.  When he calls me, she interjects into his conversation with me over and over as though she resents even the small amount of time he is giving to me  about once a month.  I don't make any demands on him or his wife or their time.  I have never even seen the home they live in because they never invite me and when I asked long ago  if I can visit (because I thought I should let him see his grandkids) the excuse is always "she is not well....we just don't know if she will be up to a visit"  yet my sister-in-law visited a few weeks ago on a whim and was welcomed with open arms.  If it wouldn't hurt my grandmother (whom I love beyond imagining) I would just stop dealing with him at all because of the hurt.  I would have been better off if he had never told me. Then I could have my illusion that I wasn't going to get anything anyway and that would not have been so painful.  I guess I should be grateful.  After all,  his money is a poor substitute for what I really wanted from him; his time and love.

Why can't I just let this go?  I thought I could...for months since he told me I just wrote it off  reminding myself I knew he would never give me anything anyway and I should be thankful that he even wants to give me anything at all.  Somehow today it hit me all over again and the hurt slammed into me like a wrecking ball into my heart:  he values her son more than he values me or his grandkids.   I need a thicker heart-wall.  :::sigh::::  

I don't tell him because it would not do any good.  I have told him before how much he hurt me and he apologized but didn't do anything to change his behavior so it is a waste of my time to even try.  Having to deal with him is like scraping  a raw wound sometimes.  Both my parents say they love me but their actions are often not matching their words.  One wants to have all my attention like an emotional vampire and the other is so stingy with his time that I feel abandoned.  My compassionate mind knows they are just imperfect people, but the needy little kid they abadoned so cavalierly many years ago when they divorced...twice, dragging me and my siblings through their personal, self-centered agendas, still feels that abandonment.

::::emotional rant font off::::

The best thing is...my parents have taught me what NOT to be to my kids.  I hope I am doing a  better job than they did.  My kids say I do but who knows how they will feel when they leave home someday and get other input.