Falling...falling....falling.....

Falling, falling, falling.....

into that deep well of pain,

into that quiet and tearful place,

into that emotional pain that is sharp and fierce and intense.

I am breathless, unheard, unimportant. 

I no longer feel the deep welling of compassion;
it is buried under an avalanche of  hate, indifference,  greed, selfishness, stupidity……

a limbo of  not knowing who I can be.

Compassion was breath for me, life, my essence.

It is still there but it is now smothered

under the dissonance of selfish,  mean, greedy, indifferent  people.

I  have no patience anymore.

No compassion for sycophants.

No patience for stupidity.

No time for  pettiness and discord.

No heart for  games or posturings.

No ear or mind  for  mean, uncaring, selfish people.

No  more of myself to give to people too busy

pushing and herding for position and voice.

No more of my soul to give to people who would

take and take and take until there's nothing left .

No more heart for the emotional vampires in life.

No more of any of me for those who cast aside caring people.

I suffer no fools, no willful ignorance, no hate, no greed.  Life is too short for all that drivel.

Where, oh where are the kind people, the smart people, the unafraid people who are open to new ideas,  new information,  new discoveries?

Where, oh where are the people who are not intimidated by smart people?

Where, oh where are the people who are not threatened by  intense, energetic, passionate people?

Where, oh where are the people who are not afraid of  people who are "different?"  Not the known "different" but the unknown "different?"

Where, oh where are the people who desire cooperation,  helping, sharing,  loving, giving, lifting up others?

Where oh where are the people who value knowledge, cherish wisdom, desire the voice of reason and experience?

Where, oh where are the compassionate healers, the givers,  the helpers, the listeners, the learners who are unafraid to learn?

Where, oh where are the people  who value and act with reciprocation, with giving back to others that which was given to them?

I  feel like I have lost myself.  

That self who was willing,

who was infinitely compassionate and patient,

who was a giver without reservation,

who loved deeply, broadly, passionately.

I feel like my wisdom, my compassion,

my love, my caring, my giving, my passion

has been tapped out, thrown away, trampled, used.
I am peopled out.
My faith in humanity seems gone.

I know there are good people.  My mind knows that.  I know they reside in my neighborhood,   in my area, in my town.  I just can't seem to connect with them. They don't want new friends,  new "different" people like me.  I don't fit in, I cannot speak their cultural language very well.

I have too many cultures inside me.

Sometimes being strong  and giving   hurts.

Sometimes being strong  and giving means being alone....always alone.

Sometimes being the strong, giving one means being taken for granted.

Sometimes being the strong, giving  one means needing time to  just fall apart,  time to disintegrate into tears and  curl up in a ball.

Sometimes being the strong, giving  one means being needy for once.

Strong, giving  people  need  compassion, too; need a space to be weak just for a while,  need time to  be vulnerable.

I am so tired and done with people.
Not just because of Trump;  this has been a long time coming. 
The cuddle hormone has left me since menopause and I feel a sorrow, a rage, a deadness in me.

This is the dark closet of my being;
leave me to it for a while.

I need this time for myself.