I have heard some say that monogamy must always be an imbalanced relationship where people deny themselves their real selves for games and power plays. Or that if one is monogamous; they are somehow denying some part of themselves. Here’s why for some these things are just not so.
Though I slept around a lot in my twenties, whenever I had a relationship with someone, I stopped wanting anyone else. This was not because of my partner’s jealousy or possessiveness or out of some sort of feeling that I owed him that; it stemmed from the fact that sleeping around and feeling deep attachment and love for a person are very different things for me. This is not to imply that poly people are that way because they just want to sleep around; it has to do with the nature of relating. When sleeping around, my feelings were not that involved; that’s not to say I didn’t have a deep empathic and compassionate intimacy with the men I slept with because I did. It means I didn’t have that very intricate connection that happens whenever I am in a love relationship with someone.
Love relationships have so much more depth and complexity than the sleeping around relationships do; this is why I am monogamous. I feel that I am not wired for more than one complex, sexual, love relationship at a time. I am sure that some people are wired for that but I am just not one of them. The idea of having to deal with a deep and elaborate relationship with more than one person sounds like more work than I want to deal with. Now that I have children, I have different relationships with them but these are also complex and require a lot of emotional and mental work on my part; I don’t have any more room in me for adding another person with their needs, wants, quirks, and all the compromise and emotional work that would take. Deep loving relationships are complicated at times and I have to say it; I just don’t want to be more involved than I already am in the one intimate relationship. It is taking a lifetime to understand myself and my husband and that’s enough for me. It is as simple as some people prefer chocolate and some prefer vanilla.
So next time a poly oriented person comes across someone like me that prefers being monogamous, I hope they understand that it isn’t about game playing, subjugation, suppression of our desires or anything like that. A lot of monogamous people just don’t want to do the work it takes to relate to more than one person at a time. We have enough complexity in our lives and prefer dealing with only one person.
Though I slept around a lot in my twenties, whenever I had a relationship with someone, I stopped wanting anyone else. This was not because of my partner’s jealousy or possessiveness or out of some sort of feeling that I owed him that; it stemmed from the fact that sleeping around and feeling deep attachment and love for a person are very different things for me. This is not to imply that poly people are that way because they just want to sleep around; it has to do with the nature of relating. When sleeping around, my feelings were not that involved; that’s not to say I didn’t have a deep empathic and compassionate intimacy with the men I slept with because I did. It means I didn’t have that very intricate connection that happens whenever I am in a love relationship with someone.
Love relationships have so much more depth and complexity than the sleeping around relationships do; this is why I am monogamous. I feel that I am not wired for more than one complex, sexual, love relationship at a time. I am sure that some people are wired for that but I am just not one of them. The idea of having to deal with a deep and elaborate relationship with more than one person sounds like more work than I want to deal with. Now that I have children, I have different relationships with them but these are also complex and require a lot of emotional and mental work on my part; I don’t have any more room in me for adding another person with their needs, wants, quirks, and all the compromise and emotional work that would take. Deep loving relationships are complicated at times and I have to say it; I just don’t want to be more involved than I already am in the one intimate relationship. It is taking a lifetime to understand myself and my husband and that’s enough for me. It is as simple as some people prefer chocolate and some prefer vanilla.
So next time a poly oriented person comes across someone like me that prefers being monogamous, I hope they understand that it isn’t about game playing, subjugation, suppression of our desires or anything like that. A lot of monogamous people just don’t want to do the work it takes to relate to more than one person at a time. We have enough complexity in our lives and prefer dealing with only one person.
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