Solstice

Winter Solstice is coming. 

You can feel it in the darkness, the slow turning of the earth, the silence of night.

There will also be a lunar eclipse on that day as well. 

It will truly be the night to welcome back the light. 

The fire will burn brightly and the night sky will be luminous with stars. 

As the Wheel of the Year turns and the beginning of the season of winter comes again, it is time to revel in the returning of the light.  Yet light is symbolic of more than just the life-giving sun;  light is symbolic of  knowledge,  awareness and intuition.  Our society has fallen into the darkness of conservative hate,  closed-mindedness,  and fear.  Even as the sun returns, we must bring the return of sanity and reason and compassion in our society; we must shine the light of these in everything we do.  Spread the light of knowledge and honesty, caring for one another as we struggle for change.

Bring back the light and shine it into the dark spaces we all fear most; our love, our sexuality, our feelings, our relationship with our planet,  and the living things and people on it. 

Let us welcome the return of the Light.

Friends

A very sweet person today told me that friendship isn't just about doing the things we most often think of as friend-things.  He said friendship is also about sharing things with one another; things we don't share with just anyone.  I had thought that friendship meant knowing each other's phone numbers or going out for coffee or ringing each other up every so often.  The problem is, I have people I care about and feel close to that I don't do those things with.  I don't have their phone  number or their address, I don't go out for coffee because they live far away and I don't just ring them up for a chat either because I know they are way too busy for chatting.  Yet I feel close to them and know stuff about them (and they know stuff about me) that only a friend would know. 

Friendship is a mysterious thing for me because I moved around so much all my life that I was never able to make and keep friends.  The internet has also blurred the definitions of friendship because it allows us to share our most intimate secrets with people we may never meet in person.  Are these people friends?  Even if they don't always be there when we need support or love?  Apparently they are friends, just a different type that is based on geographical distance and an intimacy via words.

The friend that told me this today is not far away but we don't spend a lot of time together.  Yet when he was in his most vulnerable moments, I was there to hold his heart in my gentle hands, with love, acceptance,  and comfort.  Today he held my troubled and vulnerable heart in his gentle hands and offerd me love, acceptance and comfort and I am thankful for him.  I love him because he is my friend.

Thanks, Mike.

The quiet void

There are so many times when I am glad that I have the ability to write what I think and feel so easily.  This is not exactly one of them. Especially when it comes to sharing with others;  I share and I share and I share but often, I get no response back to let me know if what I shared was meaningful to anyone else.  No one who writes,  writes in a vaccuum; most people I know who write do so to help, share, express themselves and they hope to make a difference to someone. 

The lack of response always makes me doubt myself.  Maybe I write too much and it is too overwhelming. Maybe people are too busy to respond or too busy to read what I write.   Maybe I write things no one likes to read.  Maybe I write things that make people feel uncomfortable.  Or maybe the truth is that I write things that engender no feelings at all;  the  indifference from others  is this huge, quiet  void.  It is like an artist who paints their heart and soul out on canvas only to be ignored completely.  It is very difficult to keep painting if it only means something to the painter.   Even a negative reaction is preferrable; at least it acknowledges what I have put out there.  I don't expect everyone to like what I write. 

Whatever it is, I want to write and feel compelled to write but I think I will  keep it hidden, as though it were some disease to be kept secret.  It hurts to keep it secret because it is part of me and when it is ignored, I feel ignored;  I feel like that part of me is a part no one else wants to experience.  I feel like I have nothing to offer from that deepest well of my intuition and feeling.  Why does this matter so much lately? I hate feeling this needy.

Maybe it is a self esteem thing that I need to work on. ::::sigh::::

Sexual intimacy

All my life I have heard and read that women find intimacy in romance and men find intimacy in sex.  I used to feel bad because  as a woman, I seemed to be twisted around so that I found intimacy in both.  None of the women I talked to or had friendships with ever said they craved sex when they craved intimacy.  I felt weird, odd, and abnormal.  Was I part male? Did I have a male brain?  My problems with irregular menses and infertility and even having dreams in which I was the man making love to a woman all made me wonder.  I am also so logical like men are said to be;  I hate shopping and dislike a lot of the typically feminine things most women revel in like girls' nights out.   Yet in direct proportion to all that;  I have always been deeply feminine, deeply romantic, happily submissive.  On one hand, I used to openly initiate sexual encounters but once in the bedroom, I became a willing, active, inventive,  but very submissive participant.


I was raised that for women to say they want sex is to be too demanding;  my experience in relationships with men showed me that many men say they want a demanding woman but when faced with one, they get terrified that they will not be able to "perform"  to her satisfaction.  I got really good at not asking for sex or saying I wanted it; even my husband in the early part of our marriage had denied me when I openly asked to the point where I never initiated anymore.    I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago;  I was wanting sex and intimacy with my husband but was afraid to ask for it.  I got up the courage to ask for it and somehow he sensed that this was a huge leap on my part into deep waters and he complied.  It was amazing and close and memorable; every inch of our bodies was touching in the front.  He  seemed to be more willing because he said it didn't feel like a demand but more like a vulnerable request.  Where open demands got me refusal, an honest vulnerable request got me some of the best sex I have had in a long time. 


It is time for me to speak out and say that  some women also find intimacy in sex.  As I work hard week after week, eventually I need to connect with my husband and not just by talking;  I want to touch him, hold him, have sex with him, feel him deep inside me.    I need that deep connection sex gives and the vulnerability we share in it.  Something tells me there are far more women like me than ever admit it.  Instead, too many women make men feel bad because they (men) want sex for intimacy while women want cuddling and romance.  Well men like cuddling and romance and talking too;  my husband is proof of that.  After being so busy week after week that we haven't had much time for each other, he and I take time for slow and emotional sex and cuddling and talking. 


For the most part, I am a very self-sufficient person and I operate in confidence.  Yet there are times when I feel emotionally needy and vulnerable and he knows that making love to me is exactly what I need at those times.  I am a kinesthetic person;  I need touch to feel secure. 


Ladies,  it is time to be open about what we really feel and need.  Be honest about sexuality.  It is a lot better when we are honest with ourselves and others. We just might actually save some young adult the shame and fear that I  went through because I didn't know that I was not alone in my feelings. It is OK for women to like sex, to crave it for intimacy, to enjoy it and to actively ask  for it.

Secret thoughts

I have chosen monogamy.  I like the security of it, the comfort of it and the feeling of belonging it carries.  Many people choose it and never think twice about it. 


Yet I am aware that there is a side to me that is not so monogamous.  There is a part of me that physically responds sexually  to some men and even some women.  I know this and I don't act on it for several reasons; the foremost one is the vow I made to someone who means the world to me.  He would feel betrayed were I to allow the physical reactions to be acted out.  The second reason is because I don't want the risk of disease; if I got something it could shorten my life and the kids need me and my husband  could get it from me which could harm him.  The third reason is because acting on these responses would cause my children pain and fear.  I know that because when I was a child and my parents divorced, any person they brought into their lives affected me and my siblings profoundly either by their absence of caring or because we grew attached to them only to see them leave.  That kind of instability is not good for kids.  The fourth reason is because I don't like the complications another relationship (or even casual sex) would bring to my life, even if I were being open about it.  When I think of what it would entail to actually  go out and act on the physical responses I have, I am just not willing to deal with the mess that would create for everyone in the family.  What if the other person was demanding of my time too much?  What if they were jealous of my husband?  What if they tried to molest my kids?  It just isn't worth dealing with all that.  Fifth reason would be that acting out these responses might cause harm to the other person or their family (if they have one) and I will not do that either.


My knowledge of this physical response to the sexuality of others makes me have a rather wide area of space that I keep people out of;  I don't like hugging men that much even if they are friends. I don't even like hugging women in case there's a sexuality about it.   It is partly because I was molested twice; once as a child and once as a teen.  It is also partly because I fear my own response to the physical contact;  I learned with my first sexual encounter just how strong touch is for me.  I caved so fast the first time anyone touched me in a caring, caressing way that I fear it except with my husband (who I can allow myself to be sexual with) and my kids (who I don't feel sexual with at all, just loving and protective) and my immediate family (Mom, Dad, brother).  Some would say having that fear  is unhealthy;  that I should face it and let myself feel the responses and act on them. I disagree;  I did all that for about three years and though it was very pleasurable, it held no lasting relationships for me and I need close relationships. 


Instead, I see the responses I have as healthy and normal but not something to be indulged just because they exist.  After all, I also LOVE and have great pleasure in eating chocolate but I cannot indulge in that because it causes me unhealthy weight gain and digestive issues. That weight gain affects my family too; I cannot do the things I want to do with them if I am too heavy,  such as hiking and taking walks.  So I don't eat chocolate except under very rare and specific circumstances.  The same could be said of sex;  I love having sex but I only indulge in it within the close, loving relationship I have with my husband  because then it doesn't have the bad consequences for others or myself.


I don't feel guilty about the responses I have either.  My body is a sexual one and very attuned to that;  it is this attunement that makes my relationship with my husband so pleasurable and close.  He and I have talked about our physical sexual responses to others;  neither of us acts on them nor do we make each other feel bad about having them.  That kind of honesty is healthy.