The light goes on....

The other day I was reading about narcissism.  I began to read about it because I was curious as to how it operates in my life and others' lives.  I came upon a site that listed symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I was horrified to realize that both my parents and my older brother fit most of the listed character traits.  I also found a website for daughters of NPD mothers and the long characteristic descriptions were hauntingly familiar;  my mother was exactly like so many of them.  

The list is here:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requires excessive admiration or attention
• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
• Displays an inherent selfishness
• Separates their children into scapegoats and golden child and triangulates their relationships to go only through the parent 
•  
Most of these represent my mother and a lot of them my father and brother.  It is when the affects on the child are listed that things got very disturbing.  I was the scapegoat for my mother so she trained me to supply her with attention, parent her, be her emotional support, see myself as worthless compared to her, and doubt my own intuitions.  I had no privacy, no boundaries, my mother competed with me sexually when I was a young adult, still treats me like the less-than child in the family in so many little ways.  The disorder is so difficult for most outsiders to see that the child is not believed by most people when they try to explain it. It causes very low self esteem, self doubt, enmeshment with the parent, lack of boundaries, relationshop problems and physical problems.  

As I saw my life finally in black and white on the screen and my intuitions  and feelings finally validated I began to cry deep wrenching sobs of relief.  I wasn't crazy or wrong after all.  I wasn't making things up, causing trouble, projecting, or being a bitch.  Instead,  because of the therapy I had been to, I had started to be independent and see her problem but had no name to call it.  And now that I am caring for my dad, I see it in him as well though he was less around to be as destructive as she was.  I also see it in my older brother who also shaped my view of myself. I also see it in my husband's mother and his younger sister who is his mother's golden child.  His dad seems to be an enabler.   

No wonder I felt so safe with my husband;  he was the first person to believe me when I told him about my mother.  I also believed him when he described his mother.  Our mothers display the list differently but they both had enough of the symptoms and characteristics that he and I were damaged.  And our families continue the abuse; he and I have felt like the unloved ones in both families.  

Now I have to work on achieving a sense of self.  I am stopping contact with my mother because the freedom that will allow me and my family sounds wonderful.  I cannot stop contact with my dad yet but I am working on doing that as well.  

I also need to realize that the needy part of me is still there and in need of scrutiny and work.  How to balance this when I have a family and a soon-to-be very busy schedule is going to be difficult.  At least I know where to start and that my life will get better and better as the days and weeks roll on.