I have chosen monogamy. I like the security of it, the comfort of it and the feeling of belonging it carries. Many people choose it and never think twice about it.
Yet I am aware that there is a side to me that is not so monogamous. There is a part of me that physically responds sexually to some men and even some women. I know this and I don't act on it for several reasons; the foremost one is the vow I made to someone who means the world to me. He would feel betrayed were I to allow the physical reactions to be acted out. The second reason is because I don't want the risk of disease; if I got something it could shorten my life and the kids need me and my husband could get it from me which could harm him. The third reason is because acting on these responses would cause my children pain and fear. I know that because when I was a child and my parents divorced, any person they brought into their lives affected me and my siblings profoundly either by their absence of caring or because we grew attached to them only to see them leave. That kind of instability is not good for kids. The fourth reason is because I don't like the complications another relationship (or even casual sex) would bring to my life, even if I were being open about it. When I think of what it would entail to actually go out and act on the physical responses I have, I am just not willing to deal with the mess that would create for everyone in the family. What if the other person was demanding of my time too much? What if they were jealous of my husband? What if they tried to molest my kids? It just isn't worth dealing with all that. Fifth reason would be that acting out these responses might cause harm to the other person or their family (if they have one) and I will not do that either.
My knowledge of this physical response to the sexuality of others makes me have a rather wide area of space that I keep people out of; I don't like hugging men that much even if they are friends. I don't even like hugging women in case there's a sexuality about it. It is partly because I was molested twice; once as a child and once as a teen. It is also partly because I fear my own response to the physical contact; I learned with my first sexual encounter just how strong touch is for me. I caved so fast the first time anyone touched me in a caring, caressing way that I fear it except with my husband (who I can allow myself to be sexual with) and my kids (who I don't feel sexual with at all, just loving and protective) and my immediate family (Mom, Dad, brother). Some would say having that fear is unhealthy; that I should face it and let myself feel the responses and act on them. I disagree; I did all that for about three years and though it was very pleasurable, it held no lasting relationships for me and I need close relationships.
Instead, I see the responses I have as healthy and normal but not something to be indulged just because they exist. After all, I also LOVE and have great pleasure in eating chocolate but I cannot indulge in that because it causes me unhealthy weight gain and digestive issues. That weight gain affects my family too; I cannot do the things I want to do with them if I am too heavy, such as hiking and taking walks. So I don't eat chocolate except under very rare and specific circumstances. The same could be said of sex; I love having sex but I only indulge in it within the close, loving relationship I have with my husband because then it doesn't have the bad consequences for others or myself.
I don't feel guilty about the responses I have either. My body is a sexual one and very attuned to that; it is this attunement that makes my relationship with my husband so pleasurable and close. He and I have talked about our physical sexual responses to others; neither of us acts on them nor do we make each other feel bad about having them. That kind of honesty is healthy.
Yet I am aware that there is a side to me that is not so monogamous. There is a part of me that physically responds sexually to some men and even some women. I know this and I don't act on it for several reasons; the foremost one is the vow I made to someone who means the world to me. He would feel betrayed were I to allow the physical reactions to be acted out. The second reason is because I don't want the risk of disease; if I got something it could shorten my life and the kids need me and my husband could get it from me which could harm him. The third reason is because acting on these responses would cause my children pain and fear. I know that because when I was a child and my parents divorced, any person they brought into their lives affected me and my siblings profoundly either by their absence of caring or because we grew attached to them only to see them leave. That kind of instability is not good for kids. The fourth reason is because I don't like the complications another relationship (or even casual sex) would bring to my life, even if I were being open about it. When I think of what it would entail to actually go out and act on the physical responses I have, I am just not willing to deal with the mess that would create for everyone in the family. What if the other person was demanding of my time too much? What if they were jealous of my husband? What if they tried to molest my kids? It just isn't worth dealing with all that. Fifth reason would be that acting out these responses might cause harm to the other person or their family (if they have one) and I will not do that either.
My knowledge of this physical response to the sexuality of others makes me have a rather wide area of space that I keep people out of; I don't like hugging men that much even if they are friends. I don't even like hugging women in case there's a sexuality about it. It is partly because I was molested twice; once as a child and once as a teen. It is also partly because I fear my own response to the physical contact; I learned with my first sexual encounter just how strong touch is for me. I caved so fast the first time anyone touched me in a caring, caressing way that I fear it except with my husband (who I can allow myself to be sexual with) and my kids (who I don't feel sexual with at all, just loving and protective) and my immediate family (Mom, Dad, brother). Some would say having that fear is unhealthy; that I should face it and let myself feel the responses and act on them. I disagree; I did all that for about three years and though it was very pleasurable, it held no lasting relationships for me and I need close relationships.
Instead, I see the responses I have as healthy and normal but not something to be indulged just because they exist. After all, I also LOVE and have great pleasure in eating chocolate but I cannot indulge in that because it causes me unhealthy weight gain and digestive issues. That weight gain affects my family too; I cannot do the things I want to do with them if I am too heavy, such as hiking and taking walks. So I don't eat chocolate except under very rare and specific circumstances. The same could be said of sex; I love having sex but I only indulge in it within the close, loving relationship I have with my husband because then it doesn't have the bad consequences for others or myself.
I don't feel guilty about the responses I have either. My body is a sexual one and very attuned to that; it is this attunement that makes my relationship with my husband so pleasurable and close. He and I have talked about our physical sexual responses to others; neither of us acts on them nor do we make each other feel bad about having them. That kind of honesty is healthy.
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