:::emotional rant font on:::::Today I had the usual long mental list of what I should be doing: making lessons for my son, working on my online assignments for my classes, getting the mail out, writing a thank you note, writing my credit union board in the hopes they wouldn't close the local branch and more. Instead, I find myself having crying jags. It comes from a deep wound from my past that has resurfaced.
I was always the empathic kid that didn't ask for anything..the youngest child until I was 12 and then the middle child and only girl. I am the classic guilted daughter. Last year, my father informed me that if his wife passes on before him, he will give me half of everything he has when he goes and the other half would go to her son. Her son is already the executor if his will. Her son has no children; I have my father's only acknowledged four grandchildren (I say acknowledged because he adopted my younger half-brother but refuses to call him son now that he is grown). That means my kids, his only grand kids will get less than what her son gets because he would get half of my Dad's money and property plus the nice big chunk executors get (and my grandmother said that it will be a sizable chunk). In essence, her son will get more than his own flesh and blood only daughter. God that hurts. It isn't the first time my dad has hurt me. This hurts far more than it would have were I childless. I don't care for myself, I care because I have four children and between my grandmother (his mom) and my dad, there will be a sizable inheritance.
I know why he is doing this...it is to please his wife. The same wife that is so unwilling to share him that he missed my older brother's wedding (that brother passed away in 2008), my wedding, my younger brother's wedding, and my older brother's funeral. He has seen his only grandchildren a handful of times and only two of those times were because he made the efort to see them. When he calls me, she interjects into his conversation with me over and over as though she resents even the small amount of time he is giving to me about once a month. I don't make any demands on him or his wife or their time. I have never even seen the home they live in because they never invite me and when I asked long ago if I can visit (because I thought I should let him see his grandkids) the excuse is always "she is not well....we just don't know if she will be up to a visit" yet my sister-in-law visited a few weeks ago on a whim and was welcomed with open arms. If it wouldn't hurt my grandmother (whom I love beyond imagining) I would just stop dealing with him at all because of the hurt. I would have been better off if he had never told me. Then I could have my illusion that I wasn't going to get anything anyway and that would not have been so painful. I guess I should be grateful. After all, his money is a poor substitute for what I really wanted from him; his time and love.
Why can't I just let this go? I thought I could...for months since he told me I just wrote it off reminding myself I knew he would never give me anything anyway and I should be thankful that he even wants to give me anything at all. Somehow today it hit me all over again and the hurt slammed into me like a wrecking ball into my heart: he values her son more than he values me or his grandkids. I need a thicker heart-wall. :::sigh::::
I don't tell him because it would not do any good. I have told him before how much he hurt me and he apologized but didn't do anything to change his behavior so it is a waste of my time to even try. Having to deal with him is like scraping a raw wound sometimes. Both my parents say they love me but their actions are often not matching their words. One wants to have all my attention like an emotional vampire and the other is so stingy with his time that I feel abandoned. My compassionate mind knows they are just imperfect people, but the needy little kid they abadoned so cavalierly many years ago when they divorced...twice, dragging me and my siblings through their personal, self-centered agendas, still feels that abandonment.
::::emotional rant font off::::
The best thing is...my parents have taught me what NOT to be to my kids. I hope I am doing a better job than they did. My kids say I do but who knows how they will feel when they leave home someday and get other input.
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1 comment:
F her--- just show up.
I did that with my step grandmother- just started showing up. It hurt the first few times to get a door in the face by my grandfather- but slowly SHE was answering the door. It took five years- but we became quite close. It was worth it.
My sister was afraid of my dad. She let that fear control their relationship. Such a shame.Are you doing the same thing?
Aren't you glad you invited "us' to your blog-lol.
Hugs from Kansas
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