Limbo

It dawned on me yesterday that I have been in school for TEN years. No wonder I am feeling tired, listless, burned out. I wanted to write but I feel like no one will ever want to read it. I posted something recently in 3 places and in 2 of the places, people kind of jumped on me for it. It was information sharing and agreeing with the other posters. Only one out of three seemed to "get" what I was saying but even they had a negative response (not aimed at me though) about it.

This is why I sometimes think my name should have been Cassandra. I am also feeling older, unable to DO things I so wanted to do. Mostly things like using the knowledge and experience I have to be helpful to others. The thing is, it isn't because I can't do them but because if I do them, other people disregard them or actively attack me over them. No one wants information; not even helpful information, anymore. No one wants wisdom or experience; at least not from me. ::::::sigh:::::

In every job I have done, I gave and gave and was so kind  to everyone; always allowing them space to vent, being compassionate to them, never taking them personally when they would snap at me, always  validating them and their feelings.  Yet I was the one that got fired or let go.  The company would keep the whining ones, the non-productive ones, the crass ones, the troublemakers and dissonant ones but they would let me go despite my hard work and compassion and peacemaking efforts.  In all the years I worked outside the home, I never worked longer than 2 and a half years.  Perhaps my being a third culture person, raised in several cultures, made them feel uncomfortable.  Perhaps I was not petty enough, not greedy enough, not grasping enough, not  back-biting enough.  Perhaps they just feared my non-American ways of cooperating instead of competing.  I do not belong in my birth country and I felt it (and still feel it) every day. 

It feels deflating to have so much to offer and nowhere to offer it. To have a lot of energy but no one feels comfortable being around it. To have such helpful knowledge and experience and no one to hand it off to in order to help sucks. It is like watching someone being in pain and not having any way to alleviate it but only because the one in pain rejects the alleviation I have. I am an empath and the worst thing for an empath is to feel pain and not be able to do anything to try to alleviate it.

Every effort to make friends here (IRL) goes nowhere. People are just not interested. Even trying online hasn't worked. And I notice that I feel too old and tired to make the huge effort I used to in order to make friends; since menopause I have so little patience for the bullshit people do in relationships. I see it and have no energy or desire to deal with it.

So I feel like I am in limbo.  It is depressing. People are depressing. I used to love helping people but lately I am just tired. Tired of the onslaught, tired of the stupidity, tired of the pettiness, tired of the bullshittery, tired of the ignorance, tired of the meanness.

I am tired and fed up. Sorry to be a Debbie downer but it is what it is. I can't always be the up one for others; I have my down days and lately there have been a lot of them.

I need to leave this country;  I have no means to do so but if I had, I would take my family and go.