What is a need and what is a want?

There's so much talk about  needs and wants.  Yet when people try to define the difference, it seems difficult to do like trying to catch the smoke off a campfire.  


I cannot define it for anyone else.  I do know that time, astrological events, age, and hormones can change needs and wants.  


The Uranus opposition seems to be a time when people feel insecure and need extra reassurance that they are not old, that they are still desirable, that they are still amazing (like they felt when they were younger).  Yet that need dissipates as the opposition ends.  So is it really a need or a temporary want? 


Very hard to say for sure.


The Chiron return (often coupled with the hormonal surges of menopause for women) is also a time of deep insecurity.  The women I have spoken to who (like myself ) are past that,   all say they went through a lot of insecurity then.  Just when their hormones are really high (and their libido is high to match) they are looking older and no longer able to get the male attention they so want.  Chiron also digs up lots of issues which can cause added insecurity until these issues are dealt with.  A lot of women who relied on their physical looks suddenly feel the loss as age creeps up on them and unless they developed their inner selves somewhere along the way, they feel a crisis of confidence and think they need someone (or several  someones) to pay more attention to them.  Many of these women had affairs with younger men or added men to their lives even though their partners were not happy about it.  Several of them, as the hormones died down and the Chiron return ended, wondered why they had done these actions and felt like they messed up the good thing they had.  Was theirs a need or a want if it was temporary and based on hormones and Chiron returning? 


Isn't it hard to know the answer to that?  It IS  hard and no one  can define it but the people going through it. Yet it is as they are going through it that they are least able to be objective about it.


All I know is, sometimes we confuse needs and wants to the point that we hurt ourselves and others.  That is when knowing the difference between these and the astrological (and hormonal) events can help.  Having someone past that time also helps; they can help us see that there is a time limit to the feelings ans that the feelings will be a lot less intense as time goes on.


If you know that feeling of insecurity is temporary (as it often is during the Uranus opposition and the Chiron return and menopause) then it would make sense to be cautious and not do drastic things which could harm yourself or another.  


A woman I knew turned 40 and left her family, took her young child with her, and went out of the country to a foreign one to have a mad affair with a married man.  It destroyed the whole family and burning her bridges like that made coming back home (when the boyfriend sent her away) so much harder.  What she felt was a need was fleeting;  after the Uranus opposition settled down, the intense desire (what she thought was a need) left her;  she realized the fall-out and has lived with deep regrets and the loss of relationships with two of her adult children.  

So it pays to think really hard about needs and wants during certain times of our lives.  The Saturn return (around ages 27-30), the Uranus opposition (around ages 38-42) and the Chiron return (around ages 50-51) all cause some feelings of change and insecurity (the latter two especially).  Menopause does as well for women.  It is wise to be very careful at those times and ask ourselves, "If this feeling passes, will I still want what I think I need?  Why do I think I need this at this time?"  If it is at any of those pivotal times, it would be best to proceed with caution.  Get opinions from people who are a few years older; they are not in the middle of the feelings and as such are a lot more objective.  

The attack on responsibility.

In some circles, there seems to be an attack on responsibility and accountability and commitment.  Why do I say that?  I say that because there are some places where people who are in committed relationships but who have desires outside those, are being encouraged to go-for-it and in essence, walk away from their vows, commitments and responsibilities. 

One paradigm that really needs to change is the one in which adult people think that they should be able to have everything they want or fulfill every desire that they have and justify it under the banner  "self-growth" or "self-work."   That's the mentality of a toddler.  Plain and simple.  

I am a married woman; my vows were freely made .  If later on I have a desire for another person, it is NOT ok to justify that and act on them just because doing so came from the fact that I changed over time.  People get hurt if partners do that.  Kids get hurt and they are innocents;  it is not "growing as an individual" if we act on desires we KNOW will harm and hurt our partners and kids.  It is irresponsible and downright selfish.  It is not ok to say "but he loves me so he should  let me do it to keep from hurting me."  That statement applies the other way as well; "I love him so I won't act on these feelings because I don't want to hurt him." 

Justifying indulging when you have  a prior commitment; let's call it what it is:  bullshitting yourself.  

People in committed relationships have a responsibility to one another.  They definitely have a responsibility to their children and they have a responsibility to themselves to live in integrity.  If I make a vow and later want to renege on that then my word is worth  nothing. 

I am not saying the feelings are bad;  they aren't.  Feelings are just that; feelings.  It is what we DO with them and about them that can be harmful or not.  Expressing those feelings and being honest with your partner is a good thing.  However, if your partner feels unhappy or would be deeply hurt if you acted on them, then don't act on them.  Same goes for your kids but even more so.  If you know your kids would be devastated if you stepped outside your commitments then why do that to them?  The old argument that if Mom's happy everyone is doesn't apply here; psychologists have asked kids in different age ranges and they are not thinking about what their parents want but what they NEED.  Kids NEED stability; changing things, especially when the partner doesn't want that change and would be hurt,  is not good for kids (see Judith Wallerstein's studies).  

In "Divorce Myths Uncovered"  it says:

     Cathy Meyer, who writes about marriage and family issues,   suggests that the happy parent-happy children idea  objectifies  children. "Unhappy parents fail to understand that, though they may be unhappy, their children are probably quite content and don't care if their parents don't get along as long as their family is together.   A child's happiness is not dependent on their parent's  happiness. A child's happiness stems from routine, having a home, two parents, friends to play with, school  activities to be involved in and being able to count on these things being constant day in and day out,"   Meyer writes.   (http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/divorce-myths-uncovered-1045.shtml).

Time to grow up, people.  If someone in a committed relationship chooses not to go outside their commitment, despite their desire to do so, their choice  should be valued and praised, not discouraged. 

Paradigm shift...but which one?

So many of us in the awareness of a change have known a change is needed but the question is; which paradigm WILL change?  There are several that need to change; that much is clear.


For example, a shift from an instant-gratification society to a long-term vision one would make a huge difference in how humans treat the earth, our children and one another.  Some Native cultures had that long-range vision and they did well until European conquerors came and converted them to a religion which places humans in dominion over everything else on the planet. 


Another paradigm shift would be from a capitalistic model of economic functioning which harkens back to the first paradigm listed above because of the desire for short-term gains at the expense of long-term resources.  The trouble is, we haven't come up with a model that works better than the Big Three;  Capitalism, Socialism and Communism (though the last one is a form of government like democracy is).  Some have taken socialism and mixed it with the democratic government and it works well for them  but there are still issues.  Maybe the new economic paradigm is something as yet undiscovered.


A third paradigm shift would be the one wherein humans shift their focus away from materialism and back to spiritualism.  Living with a smaller footprint to save the earth and feel connected to the earth and all the living things on it; including one another.  That would help us solve the climate change crisis.  If we value living things, we will not value showing off our "stuff" but rather helping one another. 


A fourth paradigm shift would be away from the controlled-female-fertility model to one in which sexuality of both genders is sacred, not controlled,  and accepted in all the forms it takes.  That would include heterosexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, bisexuality, monogamy, transgendered sexuality, queer sexuality and all of the variants in-between as long as  the participants are not harmed and children are protected.  It would also include women being openly sexual and not shamed for that.  Males would have to negotiate child-bearing with women instead of trying to control their fertility  and then being angry that women won't "put out."  If you control something then you cannot fault the thing for remaining in that control.


A fifth paradigm shift may be one in which human beings stop dividing ourselves along racial, gender, sexuality, nationality, culture lines and instead, gather into groups for a more communal way of living.  That might affect how we govern ourselves as well;  instead of nation states we may form tribal or connected groups which in turn connect with other groups forming large webs.




Which paradigm will change?  That's a hard call and it could be one or more that changes.  What is inportant is that we help birth it in compassion. 

Mesh connectivity; no more ISP's needed and no way to stop us now!

I just finished reading a fantastic article in Scientific American about mesh connectivity.  It was in the March 2012 edition.

This is about having an internet web that cannot be shut down like Mubarak's Egyptian government  shut down of ISPs last year.  It is called "Freedom Box" and it is being developed right now.  The website is here:


http://freedomboxfoundation.org/faq/index.en.html


People can donate to them on Kickstarter.  


Eventually, you can have a Freedom Box and they are working to make it part of your phone or other device.  It is based on free software and free connectivity between other people's boxes.  If the government wants to shut down the internet, people would still be able to connect via these Freedom Boxes and still organize.  In other words, free speech would be maintained!  


This is the future of freedom for The People.  I will support them on Kickstarter.  

In Praise of Len Wallick's astrology

Recently, I ordered an astrology reading  from Len Wallick, an astrologer who regularly posts on  an astrology blog.   I wanted to share with you the things I found most amazing about Len and his reading.


First, Len uses his own interpretations for several areas of the chart.  These are interpretations based on his own, careful study of astrology and his finely tuned intuition.  They are new, different,  and cutting edge.  I was amazed at how well his own interpretations could ferret out nuances of my chart that were typically not visible using traditional astrological interpretations.  


Second, Len's work was extraordinary; I could see the time and thought and scrutiny he took in doing my chart/s.  He doesn't gloss over things but brings out depth and hidden issues and healing things I have never seen before.  His attention to detail and intuition are not like any other reading I have ever had.


Third, Len knows his boundaries and sticks to them.  These days, a lot of astrologers don't just read the charts, they act as counselors, therapists, or even psychologists for their clients.  That would be great  if they had the formal training for that but many do not. Len made it a point to do just the astrology and not any therapy or psychology.  As he said, he isn't a therapist or psychologist so he was not going to cross that boundary.  I admire him for that because it is so easy for astrologers to mix those things up.  Doing so without the requisite training can be damaging to clients. Len is very careful to do no harm.  

Fourth, Len is very up to date on all the centaur planets and asteroids and space points.  He often uses his own interpretations for the later-discovered heavenly bodies and these interpretations are atypical but perfect for understanding a person's chart.  


Fifth, Len was equally at home doing the natal chart, transits, and the progressed chart.  He is knowledgeable about all things astrological.   He flows when he talks and he explained the technical or interpretive parts so well that my reading was also a lesson in astrology.  That was an added bonus the other astrologers I have had didn't include.



Last, I could see that Len didn't have a slant or agenda while reading my chart.  I have had other astrologers put their own slant on things to the point that some of the readings didn't fit my life at all.  Len didn't do that;  instead he remained very objective in his reading. He didn't hide difficult things nor did he use fear or negativity to interpret things.  Instead he used his own gentle hand and compassion as well as his keen mind and intuition.  My reading felt like it fit ME, not Len or anyone else. 


If you want an astrological reading unlike any other that includes excellence, integrity,  value, and fantastic service, contact Len Wallick at   lenwallick (at) gmail (dot) com.  

You will be glad you did.  

What I believe.....

I am happily married and pro-monogamy and pro-poly and whatever other kind of relating people want to do (gay marriage, bi, trans gender, queer,  whatever).  I wish  all were done responsibly.  

I am also someone who thinks that people don't have to cheat or fulfill every desire because indulging ourselves is a sign of immaturity;  maturity comes with the realization that we cannot always have everything we want and sometimes it is better for us if we don't.  

I think that "responsibility" and "accountability" and "commitment" are NOT bad words. 

I  think we have to take other people's feelings  and needs into consideration when making relationship decisions.

I believe that we have to "work on ourselves" but that we should do it while helping others. 

I believe that integrity means trying to answer people in a timely manner when they ask questions; not leave them hanging.  

I believe that integrity also includes being honest as much as possible unless doing so is hurtful and destructive.

I believe that playing games with people is wrong.  There's no decent justification for doing it.  

I believe that what is good for me  can be bad for another and my wants do not supersede another's needs.

I believe that if you make a vow, you should stick to it.  If you feel you cannot, you should be honest about that BUT you should take into account how your not sticking to it affects those who have little or no agency (children for example) and really think of your responsibilities before just doing what you want.  

If you make children...raise them.  Don't expect teachers, clergy, counselors, or extended family to do it for you.

I believe feelings are not bad...what we do about them can be either good or bad.  

I believe that  actions should match words as much as possible and that this is also part of being in integrity.

I believe that compassion  is a better thing to spread around than anger.

I believe that what we do comes back to us.

I believe  we should be the change we want to see and spread kindness whenever possible.

I believe that shame is both good and bad. It is bad when it is put on you to limit you from being the best you can be but it is good when it limits you from doing something which may harm you or another. 

I believe guilt is both good and bad as well.  Good when it makes you think about what you may have done to harm yourself, the planet, or  another.  It is good if it  teaches you to right the wrongs you have done.  It is bad when it stifles your ability to move forward in doing the good you can do for yourself and others. 

I do not believe "anything goes."  That's an immature way of thinking; children think like that and it is irresponsible too.    There have to be some limits (Saturn) or we become the weeds which choke the garden.

The Hopi talk about balance in all things...I believe that and hope others will as well. 

I believe the old paradigm which glorifies competition over cooperation and superiority over equality needs to change.  

I believe the Women's Movement has brought some good to women but a lot of bad as well.  While it allowed women to be what men are, it devalued the traditional feminine roles of house wife and mother.  It also helped foster the narcissism many women seem to have  today.

I believe men should be allowed to BE men (and they get to define that, not women) and they should have all-male enclaves they can go to at times.  Women need to stop intruding on everything men do.

I  believe women should be allowed to have the sex they want, when they want without being labelled "slut" or "whore."  I believe that controlling women's sexuality should stop.  NOW.   If men want to know they are supporting their own genetic offspring, they need to negotiate that with the women they are with.  

I believe the U.S. is on the downward slide like all other civilizations were at one time and it is a result of not learning the lessons about greed and power and control.

That's enough for the day. 

Any questions?  Feel free to comment below. 

Change is good...within a foundation of right behavior.

I have been reading about narcissism in this society.  I have also been listening to and reading various people who are working to help all of us grow and change during this Uranus-Pluto  square that is affecting everyone.  As usual, I have realized that in the effort to help others, some of the messages are missing important details that I feel would be helpful.


One such message is about shame.  It is true that all of us have had shame drilled into us from childhood onward and that some of it is unhealthy for our personal growth.  However, to counter that the light workers who are out there now are telling everyone to work on getting rid of the shame.  They keep saying that shame is bad, that shame is harmful to us, that  we must stop allowing shame to be a part of our lives. The problem as I see it is this:  if narcissism is an epidemic in our culture (and several authors, psychologists and others have said it is) that message is missing an important part.  


It IS important to stop feeling the shame that holds us back from realising our full selves BUT it isn't a good idea to get rid of all shame entirely.  Some shame is necessary to keep us doing what we should as a being among other beings.  For example, the shareholders and CEO of BP should have shame for what they did to the Gulf of Mexico in their drive for profits.  A person should feel shame if they indulge their desires to the point that it breaks up their marriage or another's marriage.  These are just two examples of how shame can be a good tool to deter behavior which harms ourselves or another. 

So while we should look at the shame we feel in our lives and dig through it (Pluto), we should not be sending the message that all shame is bad for us;  it isn't.   Shame serves as a gatekeeper (Capricorn) so that people don't do things which could harm themselves or others. 

Another message I am hearing that is coming from some light-workers is about working on and accepting our shadows.  It is a great idea to work on accepting the shadow side of ourselves but again, it isn't a great idea to use that work to justify acting on our shadow  desires. 

It is especially important to love yourself and  look at and accept your shadow (Pluto)  but a good idea to not indulge it.    Too many light-workers are telling people to accept and love their shadow selves without adding that  important part.  Too many people are using the "I am accepting my shadow" excuse to justify behaviors which are destructive and harmful.  There must be a clarification so that people understand what accepting your shadow really means; loving yourself despite the unacceptable parts you find within while still remaining in the foundations  (Capricorn) of integrity and compassion for yourself and others. 


The last message I am seeing which disturbs me is the biggest one and which has been ongoing since the last Uranus-Pluto aspect (which was a conjunction).  That is the "work on yourself " message.  I agree that we must work on ourselves (Aries)  but since the 1960's, we have been working on ourselves (self-actualization, self-improvement, self-work)  so much that often it is to the exclusion of working on helping our fellow human beings.  The message needs to change.  The message needs to be "work on yourself while you work to help others."  That is a more balanced message.  That is less about "me, me, me,"  (which may have added to the narcissism we are experiencing today and the so-called "Me generation") and more about US (Uranus).  

If we are going to be light-workers to birth the new paradigms we know are coming, we need to make sure we send the right message. We need to make sure people work on freeing themselves of the chains which hold them back while still remembering the healthy parameters in which to live. 

In other words, we can  transform (Pluto) within limits (Capricorn) while embracing the sudden changes and awakenings (Uranus) which are blossoming within all of us (Aries).  That is the message I am sending and one I hope to see more light-workers send as well.