Monday, April 12, 2010

Why is it....

that I cannot just enjoy being the mother of my children like I so want to do?  I long to have carefree days with hours to spend with my kids, exploring life, doing the housekeeping and homemaker stuff that I was able to do before.   When I had my daughters, I had some years of doing all that and I LOVED every minute of it.  Then I had to work at home as an apartment manager and I felt that year I shortchanged myself, my husband and my kids most of all just to keep a roof over our heads. 


Now that I have another young child at home (my son) along with the three now-teenagers daughters, I have to work again because of the economic reality of my husband being laid off.  Instead of working outside the home on someone else's schedule with only a paycheck to show for it, I went back to school to get a degree.  This brings in student loan money and grants to live on and I take online classes in order to be more available to my kids.  Yet just like that year that I was managing apartments, these classes are taking up to 30 hours a week or more of my time.  I am again shortchanging myself, my husband and worst of all, my kids AGAIN. 


I just want to be able to take the time to plan and cook wonderful meals for them instead of always feeling rushed and behind.  I want to enjoy spending time homeschooling my kids instead of feeling like I can only do a little; barely enough to get by.  I want to be a full-time mother and housewife but instead I am forced to be those part -time. 


I know many people will tell me to suck it up and stop complaining but this is my blog and the place where I can vent my innermost feelings.  I have felt called to a career in mothering and housewifely arts just like a priest is called to be a priest or a doctor is called to heal people.  Why can't I be what I am meant to be 100 percent? 


I miss those days of just being Mom and homekeeper.  My kids never get enough of my time now and I miss having that time with them.  My oldest two will be 18 this year.....time waits for no one to get financially stable and kids keep growing no matter what we have to do. 


Being a housewife and mother is such a joy to me that I feel the loss of being  unable to devote myself to it full time. 


I wish my husband could get a teaching job with just enough that I could stop needing the student aid to live on so I could go down to part time classes.  I wish I could quit taking classes altogether.  I love learning but on a slower pace so my kids don't have to live without my time and attention.